Thursday, 17 November 2016

Everybody Hurts, So Does I

Beautiful illustration taken from here.
Yeah, I am such a problematic person.
Your concern has wakening myself up.
Yesterday I met my senior, a psychologist and a lecturer in our alma mater.
I was naively thought our meeting agenda will only about discussion over
my topic for RRI (Radio of Republic Indonesia) broadcasting.
Unfortunately it turns out to be psychology counseling he mischievously slipped in
between our conversation.

Without my consent, he told me everything he thinks he knows about me.
He said I am such a thinking person with lack of affection awareness.
That's why I have difficulty to be emotionally attached
with every human being outside myself.
That's why I tend to ridicule emotion, which is felt by me or other person.
That's why I don't trust people easily.

He said I have such a thick defense mechanism, using rationalization and intellectualization.
That's why I become such an overthink person.
That's why I am not able to affect well, unlike majority human beings.
That's why I don't buy any damn things he said.

I was shocked yet interested by his analysis about me.
What he said is everything I don't believe.
It is hard for me to believe I am such a very broken person.

He suggested me to seek for professional help.
I said there is no urgency for it, but that's the moment he become effing annoying.

"That's tend to be the symptoms of personality disorder, Stel.
You think you don't need any help, but your surrounding complains a lot."
I have a lot of interpersonal conflicts with others.
My mother, my father, some of my friends, my co-workers, and still counting.
At first I thought it is common, since I naively rest the case to miscommunication.
But as I ruminate what he said and how he shows his concern on me consistently,
I re-evaluate his inconvenient judgement about me.

No I think I need a help from psychologist.
Thanks for the wake up call, Wid.
You are sucks.

Wednesday, 5 October 2016

First Meeting on A New Place

the whole team.
sixteen hearts who are struggling everyday
to deliver small good things in Jakarta.

Pak Ir has never failed me.
few years ago in a dissemination of research results
which was held by Center of Societal Development of my alma mater,
I realized how mesmerizing his talks could affect the audience.
Pak Ir at that time talked about the youngest Nobel winner,
Malala Yousafzai. The way he put emotions into what he said
is totally amazing.
It is hard for you not to agree with whatever Pak Ir's stance.

The same experience was happened today.
I lied to my current boss, saying I was sick so that I could
join the first meeting of my-soon-to-be workplace.
I decided to quit my current job in a social market consultant
as soon as I saw the opportunity to be the program manager of
this my-soon-to-be workplace.

I was so eager to join this very first meeting, because
1. I want to hear what Pak Ir going to say. His talks tend to be captivating.
2. I want to know who are there I am going to work with.
will they be as cool as Kanya? will they be boring? will they be weird?

no expectation. I was just being there to listen.

the fact is, the things Pak Ir said has successfully made me anxious
yet excited to begin my new journey in a local NGO with private donors.
I believe the nature of this organization will be totally different from,
let say, Kal*anamitra or K*pal Perempuan, since this organization
is really independent. no grant, no "customïzed" concerns.

I took a note of some Pak Ir's insightful talks.
"Dunia ini enggak adil. Ada orang yang setiap hari tidur seperti di hotel, ada orang yang seumur hidup boro-boro bisa sehari tidur di hotel. Itu fakta yang harus kita terima. Oleh karena alasan itu juga, kita berguna untuk membuat kesempatan agar semua orang bisa punya kesempatan tidur di hotel. Tapi bukan berarti kita mengambil pahitnya hidup dari anak itu. Kalau pahitnya hidup anak itu kita ambil, kita juga mengambil kesempatan tidur di hotel dari anak itu."

"Begitu seorang anak masuk ke sebuah institusi, angkanya jadi 2 banding 1. Pengeluarannya 2 untuk institusi, 1 untuk anak."

"Hidup kita sehari 24 jam, kalau kita mau menolong orang dan sudah tidak sanggup, yang bisa dilakukan adalah menambah orang. Bukan overstretch diri kita."

I just hope I can bear whatever coming towards me in the future.
sometimes I think I am crazy to create such a difficulties for myself
by letting myself join this kind of social organization >.<

things I have to learn hard
1. Know which responsibilities should I take and which one I have to delegate.
2. Beware of the savior-syndrome of a social worker.