Saturday, 10 February 2018

Kamu Candu

sakit yang indah.
foto dari sini.

hari ini menjadi hari pertama gw merayakan Ekaristi
tanpa keberadaannya di sebelah.
ada yang hilang, tentu saja.
terutama tiba saat saling memberikan salam damai.
sentuhan lembutnya yang hangat di puncak kepala, hilang.

senyum getir terpajang di muka gw
ketika kotbah hari ini adalah tentang persiapan diri
dalam rangka memasuki masa pra-paskah.
tahun 2018 menjadi tahun yang kurang menguntungkan
bagi penyandang minoritas ganda: cina katolik.
tidak hanya hari kasih sayang berbarengan dengan hari wajib pantang-puasa.
tetapi juga hari tahun baru cina bersamaan dengan hari anjuran pantang.

kegetiran dalam senyum gw bukan karena gw sedih tidak bisa puas-puas
merayakan tahun baru cina makan babi,
tapi karena hari kasih sayang yang berbarengan dengan Rabu Abu.
bukan, bukan karena gw tidak mempunyai siapa-siapa untuk gw sayangi.
gw senyum getir karena membayangkan membakar bunga,
yang menjadi hadiah tipikal 14 Februari,
daripada daun palem kering yang dijadikan abu.
ekspresi ekstrem yang terlintas di kepala gw sebagai bentuk kehampaan.

ya, hampa.
gw merasa hampa, hingga rasanya setiap bangun tidur,
sejak hari kami bersepakat,
gw tidak pernah merasa tidur dengan cukup.
letih dan mengantuk menjadi kondisi jiwa gw setiap hari.

gw tidak merasa senang.
gw juga tidak merasa sedih.
perasaan "biasa saja" yang sesungguhnya, mungkin seperti ini rasanya.
benar-benar biasa, seperti tidak ada excitement dalam hari yang gw lalui.

pada hari itu,
hari kami bersepakat untuk tidak melanjutkan hubungan kami,
mata gw sama sekali tidak meneteskan air.
langit yang bahkan menjadi wakil gw saat itu.
hujan entah bagaimana awalnya, tiba-tiba turun dan membasahi perpisahan kami.

pada hari ini,
seolah mata gw menjadi Katulampa yang dipersalahkan untuk banjir Jakarta.
gw benar-benar ingin menangis sejadi-jadinya,
semampunya mata gw bisa mengeluarkan air,
semampunya tubuh gw sanggup meluapkan perasaan tak terucap.

di saat seperti ini,
betapa gw sangat berharap bisa bertemu Beruang,
menangis berderai-derai,
beringus sesenggukan,
memeluk erat-erat.
hanya karena satu hal,
dia Beruang gw.

foto dari sini.
kuingin waktu biarlah berhenti di sini
agar senantiasa tak kunjung engkau pergi
seperti malam menanti esok pagi...

Danilla, Ada Di Sana


ironisnya, di saat gw merindukan Beruang,
di saat yang sama gw sadar rindu itu tidak baik untuk gw.
gw merasa seperti menjadi seorang pecandu taubat.
pecandu itu tahu candunya tidak baik
tapi ia tidak bisa tidak menginginkannya.

tiga hal tidak baik yang berpotensi buruk bagi gw kala rindu menyerang.

satu,
saat-saat rindu mampu membuat gw rentan melakukan kebodohan
yang bisa berujung pada penyesalan.
variasi kebodohannya cukup besar, mulai dari yang paling murah
semacam meminta sembarang orang memberikan free hug,
sampai yang mengganggu kesejahteraan mental orang lain,
seperti mengemis-ngemis untuk telepon orang, berceloteh tidak karuan di telepon.

dua,
saat-saat rindu mampu membuat gw menjadi manusia penelan ludah sendiri.
gw merasa telah dengan benar meminta kepadanya untuk tidak bertemu,
tidak melakukan rutinitas masa lalu, dan tidak sering berkabar dalam waktu dekat.
permintaan untuk membatalkan kesepakatan di atas hanya akan membuat gw gagal
dalam upaya menjauhkan diri darinya. relapse kalau istilah rehab-nya.

tiga,
saat-saat rindu mampu membuat gw menciptakan ilusi 
atau bisa lebih lazim disebut harapan palsu, bahasa kekiniannya.
awalan "seandainya kami, ...",
atau "seandainya dia, ...", atau yang paling parah "seandainya gw, ..."
benar-benar berbahaya jika dilanjutkan menjadi kalimat yang utuh.
misalnya,
"seandainya kami tidak bersepakat untuk berakhir",
"seandainya dia menunjukkan usaha lebih",
"seandainya gw masih memberikan waktu".
faktanya, pengandaian itu hanya fantasi dan tidak ada manusia wajar
yang menciptakan fantasi menyedihkan bukan?
semua hal yang ada dalam imajinasi, tentu akan tampak indah.

kesimpulannya,
hari ini gw bisa sungguh merasakan
bagaimana perjuangannya craving in one hand
while knowing I shouldn't crave for it, in the other hand.
gw pikir gw berpeluang gila kalau enggak kuat-kuat mental.

I wish I were pretty
I wish I were brave
If I owned this city
Then I'd make it behave

And if I were fearless
Then I'd speak my truth
And the world would hear this
That's what I wish I'd do, yeah

If my hands could open, you'd see
I'd take all these secrets in me
And I'd move and mold them to be
Something I'd set free

I want to darken in the skies
Open the floodgates up
I want to change my mind
I want to be enough
I want the water in my eyes
I want to cry until the end of time

I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down tonight

I hold on to worry so tight
It's safe in here right next to my heart
Who now shouts at the top of her voice
Let me go, let me out; this is not my choice

And I always felt it before
That the world was filled with much more
Than the drowning soul I've learned to be
I just need the rain to remind me

I want to darken in the skies
Open the floodgates up
I want to change my mind
I want to be enough
I want the water in my eyes
I want to cry until the end of time

I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down

I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down

I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down tonight

Sara Bareilles, Let The Rain


15 Feb 18

gw menyadari bahwa tulisan-tulisan maha sentimental seperti ini,
sangat berpotensi untuk gw tuangkan di masa-masa pra-menstrusasi
antara H-7 s.d H-1.

kondisi puncak galau biasanya terjadi saat H-3.
ya, tulisan di atas adalah salah satu bentuknya.

Thursday, 11 January 2018

Scattered

for him, it might be just a joke.
for me, it is not.

it's been 4 days after the day
I talk in super serious manner with him.
I thought I will be okay since I've spared lot of time,
during my new year holiday, to think about it thoroughly.
in fact, I feel my teardrops still fall
each time I think about the fact: I am going to lose my dearest human-shaped Bear.

he asked me to give him more time to be together until the end of the year.
I know it very well.
his request will only cause me some more pain,
because I stick with someone I care yet I can't own for ever.

I agreed with his wish, anyway.
I decided to let myself black and blue.

it hurts. losing his presence gradually;
skipping our daily habit slowly,
reducing his attention bit-by-bit.
how I do wish he just disappear all at once
so I don't have to experience such damned experience:
to witness my emotional support inclined moderately for 300 days ahead.

perhaps I deserve this since I know we can't be together,
but I was struggling to maintain our relationship.
my craving-for-someone-to-run-to act was unintentionally manage to
make him genuinely loves and cares me as I can feel his tenderness well.
I was such a bitch and now it's time for my penitence.

I do hate the fact I crave for my Bear.
his undivided attention.
his enthusiasm respond to my stories.
his warm hugs.
his loving touch.
his voice before I go to sleep.
his shoulders to cry on, which ironically to be those I cry for too.

I cry, quite much.
I also hate how mushy I am currently.
I don't want to meet him crying
but I do wish I am on his chest, hug him tight while crying as much as I want.
I do miss my Bear.
I've never missed someone as much until it hurts like this before.
I am f up.

everybody must say my story with Bear is stupid and ridiculous.
I am the initiator of the idea for us to discontinue our relation
but now I cry a river each time I remember we can't be together.

I don't know what is on his mind right now.
if I could opt it, I prefer not to know.
the way he describes how meaningful I am in his life,
the way he appreciates me,
the way he always willing to comfort me,
all of his genuine sweetness aches me very well.

not because I don't see his authentic care,
but because it feels so real, I don't think I deserve it.
I am not able to give him as much as what he gives me.
I don't feel right with this imbalance relation.

hundreds days I have to pass before he is going to let me go.
it doesn't mean I want to lose him,
but I can't stand how scattered I am to pass every day.
we keep talking to one and another just like nothing happened
but we both know it clearly that our togetherness is only temporary.

if my Bear is reading this post, I feel sorry for being extra sentimental.
the state he hates so much but I just can't help.
this is me. the very Stella he might even can't imagine
how I can be so broken to let my dearest human-shaped Bear, go away...

image borrowed from here.

You can take my heart for a walk on a beach,
you can take my heart for a little trip,
you can take my heart very close to your heart,
you can take my heart forever if you like
But not every heart,
belongs to any other,
You and I,
you and I
are meant to be
I'm the one for you
you're the one for me
you love me as much as I do
when you look at me
and we're skin to skin
I want you so,
please come in
And you love me more and more,
and my love grows up with you,
and you kiss me more and more
and I kiss you too
and I kiss you too!

If I take your heart,
I'll cherish it every day
If I take your heart,
I'll heal these old wounds
If I take your heart,
It's to make it happy
If I take your heart,
It's forever close to mine

But not every heart,
belongs to any other,
You and I,
you and I
are meant to be
I'm the one for you,
you're the one for me,
you love me as much as I do,
when you look at me
and we're skin to skin
I want you so,
please come in!
And you love me more and more
and my love grows up with you,

And you kiss me more and more,
and I kiss you too!
and I kiss you too!

I don't care,I don't care
if I'm again carried away
If you swear,if you swear
to give me your heart in return!

I don't care,I don't care
If I'm again carried away,
If you swear,if you swear
to give me your heart in return,
to give me your heart in return!
Soko, Take My Heart



Sunday
14th Jan
sometime around 11 PM
from http://blog.ohgigue.com
another joke, he said,
"instead of crying or self-pity,
it's better laughing."

dear Bear,
I wish you know how resent I am with your idea
to laugh at our bittersweet relation
rather than dropping tears over it.

I love crying more than laughing
when I have to lose someone I care about.
my tears has better ability to express unspoken feelings I experience.

I hope you are truly okay, as it seems like the way you laugh today.

let us stop, right now
shall we?