Sunday, 7 September 2014

Rain on The Parade

taken from here

well, I admit that I am not the kind of girl
who everyone will notice as she walks into a room.
I don't have that looks to be wanted by everyone,
also I don't give a damn to fashion thingy.
some people I've known even still trying to figure out
either I am a boy or a girl.

I can talk so blatant people will regret befriended with me.
in some situations I have a nerve to raise my voice.
I could tell someone an ugly truth and I feel terrible after telling it.
but somehow I am able to be sensitive I even can't stand myself.

it's not everyday someone would come to me
and say that I am interesting.
thus I am really appreciate whoever calls me that way.
since I don't really see myself such as an interesting person.

it feels incredible too, to know there is someone out there
who likes me that much.
it happens to me that I am easily flattered and get blushed,
so I wonder those are what happened when I know
there is you who brave enough to drop your feelings on me.

thank you.
I do understand what you've come through
to speak out those hard-to-say-but-has-beautiful-meaning-sentences
such as, "Stella you are interesting and I like you"
thank you for the image
yes, I do know there is a thing called human rights
for everyone to say anything they want to say.
I do know also that I have a privilege whether
I want to hear it or not,
whether I want to give it a damn or not.

currently, I am overwhelmed with guilty.
I usually use my mind rather than my feeling.
I am feelings ignorant kind of person,
but this guilty feeling really drag me into some level
when I finally decided to learn more about feelings.

I typed "love quotes" in the Pinterest search bar.
these are what I found.
those quotes really describes what it feels
when you are with someone you like the most.
not only those, I am also looking for another inspirational quotes.
I typed "risk of love" so I get the idea what its like
when you are being the one who risks your feeling
and your expectation when you are telling someone
about what you really feel deep inside your heart.
thanks for the quotes
this sounds like I haven't like someone before.
however, there is a guy at that time whom I had crush on.
he was sure waking up butterflies in my tummy
when he was around.
I felt this years ago,
now it's even hard for me to recall
the sensation I once felt when I fell for someone.
I guess my brain doesn't retain much information about
feelings and body sensations.

it comes to me, those quotes say things
which are very far from
what I feel when I am with you.
honestly, it's never been that happy,
not even a slightest one, when I see you around.
I barely know things about you.
I think we don't really know each other, actually.
found the quote here
although I use my mind more often than my feelings,
I still have feelings for sure.
I realized I was so mean and rude and unemphatic
at that time when I heard
those hard-to-say-but-has-beautiful-meaning-sentences.
believe me, those stupid words I said
were not as mean as it sounded.
I just didn't really get the content
of the message I was told.

the things that were said was so contradict.
I don't know if it is just me or the intention
of that message telling was to make me confused.
whatever it is, that moment has made me
more realize that we have too many differences
and so few things we share in common.

I might take a risk to give it a try for us.
getting closer and perhaps one day
I will be able to give as much as I get.
this consideration has to be stopped at some points, however.
besides of the uncertainty of the message I received,
it comes to me a thought that this is not right
and it will only cause much more pain
if I try to enforce us getting along together.

thanks to Bella for the quotes.
by the way,
I realize there is a parade that was ruined
when I share this thought publicly.

I am sorry if this post contain some things
which would hurt.
I have never meant to humiliate also.
I am just hoping this text will be easier to be understood,
rather than we talk.

thank you so much for all the effort and the courage.
I do really appreciate it, but let's live our life independently.
I hope there will be someone out there who is fitter for you.
may God always bless you, dear.