Wednesday, 23 December 2015

In The Middle of The Big City

How Far is Far by Alvin Tresselt,
illustrated by Ward Brackett (1964)
picture borrowed from here.

what if
a star needs a light
a helper needs a hand to hold
a human needs a name
a Stella needs a goal
a me needs a you

picture borrowed from here.

I enjoy eating cookies,
or biscuits if you are an American.
I love the cracking sound as I bite it.
I love its crunchiness.
I love its slight sweetness.

aside from those attractions of cookies,
I like cookies so much because of
the instant happiness a cookie can give for me.

would you be my cookie?

Saturday, 19 December 2015

Strong Confusing Feelings

I find it quite therapeutic to write things down
esp. when there are some things happened
which are related with feelings,
the hardest mental state to describe perfectly.
just like what I do right now.

few hours ago, my online radio program coordinator
send an announcement in WhatsApp group. a surprising one.
he said our program is going to be replaced.
at first, I don't even get the idea of replacement.
I thought it is only the concept for January 2016 which is changed.
I was once shared the idea what if we broadcast topics
about difficulties of being a good Catholics.
my coordinator was okay with the idea.
out of sudden, he brought the shocking news.
no more Manajemen Hati (MH) program in our online radio.

I am upset. it feels like what I've done all these time
from September to really right now, seems useless.
by January 2016, there will be any traces of my work.
there will be a totally new program.
my coordinator still thinking about the title of the new program.

at the same time, I do also relieve.
in spite of the fact that I enjoy scratching concepts,
preparing the substances for MH,
loving the whole preparation process (even though there is nothing
inside my mind which is useful enough to make the MH topics
interesting and deep to be shared), but still
I have to put extra effort, google more, read more, discuss more
in order to make myself having more understanding about this new holy things.
geez, the never-read-bible-nor-Catholic-articles person like me
is the one who behind the MH program.
this fact sounds like a joke, but that was what happened for about 3 months.
some part of myself cheer up for the smell of freedom.

these two strong feelings makes me feel unpleasant.
I feel happy yet sad.
comfortable yet disappointed.
challenged yet incompetent.
optimist yet ineffectual.

I talked to my mom, who has listened to my program, about my upset.
she listened MH only once and it is enough to make her
complained to me about the superficial talk I was saying in MH.
I do agree with her point. I think I have fixed MH good enough
but in the end MH was discontinued.

when she knew MH is going to be stopped in 2016
and there is a new program for me,
she laughed and offered me cookies.
it was the most unexpected response from her.
she told me it is better to enjoy the cookies
rather than thinking about the radio matter over and over.
yeah, she gave me the cookies while still saying
"why don't you hear my feedback?"
but still, her laugh makes me feels happier.

well, the green tea cookies taste good enough.
I feel better after eat almost all of them alone :P
now it is being discussed by some people in the WhatsApp group
about what things we should do next, after MH transformation.
I don't give a damn.
I think what I need now is filling myself with positive thoughts.
just like in Star Wars movie
(which I watched yesterday, for the very first time. ever.)
we need the good and bad to keep the force balance.
I need good thoughts to endure the bad overcome my mind.
and also good music.

thanks to Michael Buble Christmas album
which helps me a lot to bring the good mood back.

inspired from Hello Happiness
an Ajahn Brahm book I found in your room.

I am not a quitter.
in fact, quit is not a word in my vocabulary.
this event successfuly makes me sick I even think about quitting.
at the same time, I remember the why.

people said once you know the why
it will be easier to know the how.
I think I need to find the how by myself.

Friday, 18 December 2015

Last Minute Reading

Eleanor & Park by Rainbow Rowell
sometimes I read a book just because of the nice cover
or the simple and intriguing title.
Eleanor & Park is one of the example.
I decided to read it shortly after I saw the simple cover
and I wonder what is going on between E & P
until their story could be turned into a novel.

I am curious with E & P story
just because both of the main characters
are facing their back towards us, the reader.

somehow the cover reminds me with my favorite
romance story of all time, 500 Days of Summer.

The Smiths
connects protagonists everywhere.
I am not an avid reader
but I do enjoy reading.
I am not trying to make a review
of this heart-touching-sweet-and-lovely story.
this post is for sharing my impression
of Rowell's best selling novel.

I spent 4 days to finish this book.
it took so many hours of me wondering about many things
because of the way Rowell telling the story in her darling novel.
I think and reflect about the parents function in children life;
about the essence of loving and being loved;
about the needs to accept our selves;
about the ugly truths we have to face as we live
and how we adapt to them.

I snapshot some parts of Rowell's pleasing novel,
which makes me stop reading for a while,
to digest her dearly yet mind blowing sentences.

this is page is crazy! super sweet and precisely describe
how it feels to be far away and near a person we like so much.
this is my very favorite page
I am happy when reading the whole sentences in this page.
extremely wonderful work, Rowell.
I love you and your strong feelings.

you are my favorite person of all time.
I do use this kind of sentence to say how I like a person so much.
geez Rowell, you robbed my heart.

this is really cute, the way Eleanor describes Park gradually.
at first she said that cliche word, kind,
luckily in the end, she said you make me feel like a cannibal
which I think appealing and unusual.

I ran out of words to say how darling this part is.
I've never really missed anybody but you.
this sentence I have used a lot.

another maximum cuteness part.
well, I think Rowell really good at capturing
the cheesiness of first love
while at the same time she reminds us
about the way a person can be so fond of another one.
the best part is, Rowell does this not in dramatic exaggerate manner.

serendipity, the nicest thing in the universe had ever done for her.
I smile shamefully at this part.
the thought, that universe has something to do
with all those coincident meeting with the favorite person,
can be still happen when we are grown-up.
somehow I really impressed with Rowell ability
to capture every little details and typical feelings
of a human, who feels love and being loved.
I wonder Rowell is a highly self-conscious person.

I never thought someone can be able to know
he would like a song before he has heard it.
I can't imagine how does this thing happen,
not until Rowell used this kind of analogy
to tell how it feels to like someone so much
when we just barely know him.
I think it is just the same like me liking this book
before I read any text in it.
I like this book as soon as I read the title.
I like you as soon as I know your name.

what a touchy part.
I re-read these sentences for some times
and somehow I think human memories
can't be that good and reliable enough
to keep the sensation we would to feel repeatedly. huft.

sigh. at this point I think Rowell
was ever visiting my mind.
trying not to care, but cannot.
nothing else matter when you like me back.
I don't like you (but I do crazily into you!)

I feel the urge to squeeze Park's dad
at the moment I read this part.
that is why you like her.
yeah, when we make someone
as our most favorite person on Earth,
never forget the very first reason
why we like that person :')
people might change, but I believe
there is that one quality of a person
which won't change no matter what.
I usually call it as virtue.
even in the cruelest human beings,
everyone has one, hasn't it?

your mother is sorry.
this sentence hit me.
I wonder how many Asian adults
who has ever said sorry to their offspring.
moreover, I never imagine
there might be parents who say sorry.
this is something beyond my imagination.
I think Park's Asian parents be able to apologize
because Rowell, the author, is not Asian.
she might hardly know exactly
how an Asian parents behave.

I laugh as I read the last sentence.
I enjoy Rowell's way to portray precisely
the intense feeling in humorous if-clause-sentence.
she is super witty.

yeah, I strongly agree with Rowell's point here.
there are things or person or events which won't make
our discomfort feels better,
but it is alright rather than our feelings getting worse.

the interaction between E & P
shows me how a person who is madly deeply in love
automatically can accept the partner for whoever s/he is.
this is not an easy thing to do, esp. when we know a person
for quite long time when there is no more stages on the mystery play.
reading this part, it seems like I was reminded to try my best
practice what I preached, loving unconditionally,
whether to my family, or even strangers.

the most famous quotable sentence of E & P.
she looks like art.
thanks Rowell, for making every woman in the world
feels precious in their subjective uniqueness.

it is always our choice to choose
if we want to leave of stay
in any kind of relationship.
I believe those who deserve "the stay"
is always a worth the choice person.

to sum up, I might say E & P is the best book I've read in 2015.
lucky me to read this book at the end of the year,
the perfect time for me to reflect what I've done through
this one whole year.
what an eye-opening and mind blowing book.
Rainbow Rowell is on my favorite author list.

Monday, 14 December 2015

An Extraordinary Training

read the article about this "baopu" comic by Yao Xiao
intrigued me to write this post.
recently I involved, coincidentally,
in a therapeutic training for teens.
the concept was great, I can't resist not to say yes immediately
when my friend asked me to join the training team.
there is a training for the trainer,
since this is not just an ordinary training
for several reasons

1. the training initiator is a senior psychologist.
2. she has a lot of individual clients.
3. her clients' children will be the participant of this training.
4. the aim of the training is to give knowledge about self-awareness.
5. not only psychological stuffs that were taught, but also spiritual things.

related with the "baopu" comic above,
I remember one of many materials that were given by the psychologist
during training for trainer session.
we were taught to use virtuous language to talk,
not just for the sake of the training itself.
she asked us to use it in our daily life.

at first I thought virtuous language is the same with
basic counselling class I was once got in college.
most of the principles are quite similar.
fortunately there is something new from this virtuous language.
I got this when the psychologist told us to see
the virtue everyone has which, unfortunately,
located behind the unfortunate event.

the "baopu" comic, I could say,
illustrates nicely about how virtuous language
supposed to be implied in everyday life.
instead of saying sorry, which usually lead to negative thoughts,
it is better to say thank you, which automatically makes us
think about positiveness in everything.

this new concept hit me hard.
I am now still on my way to habituate myself
with this kind of (troublesome yet very positive) language.
just like "baopu", I prefer to say sorry instead of thank you
when it comes to something which is related to my bad habit.
being late, being forgetful, being talkative,
being rude, being unemphatic, being lazy, and so on.

it is more likely for me to say
"I am really sorry for being late, I am such a mess"
than saying "thank you for your patience";
"I am sorry, I totally forgot where I put that thing"
than saying "thank you for your trust";
"I am sorry I think I talk too much"
than saying "thank you for being my ears";
"My apology, I don't mean what I said"
than saying "thank you for your consideration";
"I am sorry for ignoring your feeling"
than saying "thank you for your tolerance";
"I am sorry I delayed the work so it is passed the due date"
than saying "thank you for your kindness".

it is not easy at all, for me, to learn this new habit.
I have to be aware of what merit someone has done to me.
using virtue language makes our selves more observable
to every goodness we received from other person.

by saying thank you instead of sorry,
we shift our attention more to other person/people virtues
rather than focus on our flaws.
this kind of habit is good to train our selves
acknowledge others kindness better than mentioning
our negativeness.

by saying thank you instead of sorry,
we will be easier to see goodness in everything.
this habit changes our attitude to see every event in our lives,
whether it is an ordinary or a special one.
I believe by getting used to virtuous language,
everyone could has a better mental state
and better quality of life.
this way of talking translates gratitude
into a simple-doable action

the goodness of this training is not only happened
in the pre-training process.
I am also amazed when every parents was given
an enveloped letter.

what a thoughtful letter! I wonder if my parents ever read this one.

the existence of the virtuous language and
the post-training letter for parents
really make me satisfied with my involvement
in this one of a kind training.
thank you Ma'am psychologist, for letting me join
this insightful yet joyful event.

Friday, 11 December 2015

Postgrad Plans

thanks for the picture.
I searched some places to continue my higher education journey.
I am not interested in studying in Indonesia
because I need new experience and
more exposure to wilder academic world.
as I seek information about psychology master degrees programs,
I found this super duper fascinating major!
unluckily, it is in Cambridge,
the second oldest university in the English-speaking world.

shot from here.

the major is so perfect.
it covers social psychology and also developmental aspects of human!
both of them are my interest.
unfortunately, as I read the requirement,
well, I create new belief instantly:
human may dream as high as he can
as long as it is within his limit

I found the alternatives for social and developmental psychology major
besides the one which is offered
by Cambridge, the high-ranked University.
it is in Cyprus, New York (NYU Steindhardt),
or New York (NSSR, PHd Program).
those are in NY seem interesting, esp. NYU Steindhardt.
but I prefer to seek more information and requirements needed
to join well-known University.

*continue googling

Monday, 30 November 2015

The Flashback

original post is here

I remember I watched Inside Out
and there are some thoughts that haven't been answered.
I can make the question but then
I can't think of the answer at that time.
I think now I know the answer of my own question.

Bing Bong is not real. it is only on Riley's mind.
just like what I felt at that time,
my imagination about you, is only on my mind.

the disappointment I have felt
really made me sad and drove me to make a promise to myself.
I have to do something to keep my self-worth stays high.

this is not even a goodbye.
no farewell, nothing to be said to end the closure.
you think you are only friend.
for me, you are my wizard, my "Om",
my recent source of happiness.
I don't know if those words mean nothing.
I don't call people at random.
I invent nicknames to those who are close enough with me.
even though the "Om" is not relevant anymore,
but still you used to be my "Om".

I realize, we barely know each other.
also there is not enough patience and bravery
to give it more chances and more time
to understand each of our selves deeper.

farewell and goodbye is not necessary,
since there is no string attached.

29 March 2016
1:21 PM

I tried to do handstands for you
I tried to do headstands for you
Every time I fell on you yeah every time I fell
I tried to do handstands for you
But every time I fell for you
I'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue
For you

I tried to do handstands for you
I tried to do headstands for you
Every time I fell on you yeah every time I fell
I tried to do handstands for you but every time I fell for you
I'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue
For you ooo ...
For you ooo ...
So black and blue ooo ...
For you ooo

I grabbed some frozen strawberries so I could ice your bruising knees
But frozen things they all unfreeze and now I taste like
All those frozen strawberries I used to chill your bruising knees,
Hot July ain't good to me
I'm pink and black and blue
(for you)

I got bruises on my knees for you
And grass stains on my knees for you
Got holes in my new jeans for you
Got pink and black and blue
Got bruises on my knees for you
And grass stains on my knees for you
Got holes in my new jeans for you
Got pink and black and blue
For you ooo ...
For you ooo ....
So black and blue ooo ...
For you ooo ...


Bruises by Chairlift

thanks for the effort,
text me out of the blue,
popping up some memories,
but still frozen strawberries won't enough
for July is too hot.

Saturday, 28 November 2015

Out of The Blue

this lovely picture borrowed from here.

I am in the middle of the night,
doing my usual task, typing.
as I regain my old habit, listening to the radio,
one of the song that is played makes me stop for a while.
at first I enjoy the song because I like Ellie Goulding.
I think and listen carefully to the lyrics.
then there is something drives me to write this post.

How Long Will I Love You
Ellie Goulding
How long will I love you?
As long as stars are above you
And longer, if I can.
How long will I need you?
As long as the seasons need to
Follow their plan.

How long will I be with you?
As long as the sea is bound to
Wash upon the sand.
How long will I want you?
As long as you want me to
And longer by far.
How long will I hold you?
As long as your father told you,
As long as you can.
How long will I give to you?
As long as I live through you
However long you say.
How long will I love you?
As long as stars are above you
And longer, if I may.

We're all traveling through time together
Every day of our lives.
All we can do is do our best
To relish this remarkable ride.

star is one of celestial bodies which I like the most.
besides of the fact my name is derived from it,
I like stars because they have interesting facts.
every information about stars always amazed me.

one of the most unforgettable fact I know about star
is that there are so many stars out there in the universe.
Sun is one of them. it is the nearest star from the Earth.
Sun's splendid usage as inspiration
for countless artists, poets, songwriters, etc,
doesn't make it counted as big stars.
Sun is just one of little stars in the sky.
there are many other bigger and brighter stars
out of our galaxy.

stars, unlike the other celestial bodies, can produce light.
stars have gravitation. this explains why planets
in our solar system rotating around the Sun.
stars attract other things in the space
and the frictions among them
makes the heat around star very high.
actually star is a sphere of very hot gas called plasma
which gathered because of the star's own gravity.

stars form in large gases areas.
star's gravity attracts more and more gases
and then form thicker molecular gases cloud.
the core of the stars keep radiate energy.
the radiation involves much gases like hydrogen, oxygen, and carbon.
different ingredients of the fusion which makes the stars vary in
shapes, colors, and masses. every star is unique.

on the average, lifespan of stars are usually
between 1 and 10 billion years old.
some stars may even be nearly 13.8 billion years old.
this is fantastic and when I heard the lyric of Goulding's song,
"how long will I love you? as long as stars are above you"
I feel touched though it is overly exaggerated.
the lyric doesn't stop there, it is still added
"and longer if I can".
this hyperbolic lyric is lovely.

is there anyone out there asking me
"how long blablabla"
I will answer it, in humorous way,
"as long as the stars are above us".

stars are interesting, aren't they?
they are like humans.
everyone is a star for their other halves.

Monday, 16 November 2015

Woe is Me

I do like this song. the music sounds catchy on my ear.
I like this part of the lyrics
are we all lost stars trying to light up the dark?
the words show perfectly what I felt few months ago.

today I hear the song and carefully listening to the lyrics.
I found another part of the song which hit me.

cupid demands back his arrow,
that sounds as if cupid is a computation device
which able to take back when giving act is already done.

well, maybe this could be happened...
everything can be happened on Earth, right?

illustration borrowed from here.
I prefer cupid taken back his arrows
rather than I can't see clearly.

Thursday, 12 November 2015

A New Beginning

just the way it is.
edited the picture from here.
yesterday was the very first day after these few months,
no text from each of us during the whole day.
I was so busy yet I don't really know what to say to you.
apparently, yesterday was over and our daily routines
seems ended.

I just realize this few hours later
and I wonder if
1. I ran out of words,
2. or out of topics to be said to you,
3. or there is nothing thrilling to be talked anymore,
4. or I don't have much energy to make an effort,
5. or I just don't want to bother you
with all my bugging behaviors.

I found this saying on my Pinterest pin homepage.
somehow I think Pinterest just know my situation.

breathe. trust. let go. see what happens.
picture taken from here.
yes, I have plenty plans for us.
zentaglingdoodling, crafting.
visiting art events (ranges from visual arts exhibitions,
art performances, plays, concerts, to poetry readings).
joining independent cinema fests
or perhaps any interesting workshops.
attending weekend mass in Jakarta churches.
chitchatting in your favorite coffee shop
or maybe trying some interesting coffee shops.
playing games (video or board games,
trampolinelaser game, arcade games, you name it).
filling trivia questions about each of us.
reading books or picking book to be read by each other
while eating desserts.
wandering around some places we've never explored before
(Kota, or PIK, or Blok M, Jakarta parks, or elsewhere).
bicycling at the beach, seeing fishes, going to a zoo.
exploring Jakarta and take a lot of street photos.

well, not to mention those usual hanging out activities, e.g
watching movies,
eating lunch or dinner or just enjoying meals,
doing Jakarta short culinary trips.

I do enjoy my time that was spent with you.
I feel happy and I like to spend more time.
should I thank you for the time you have spent on me?
or shall we spend more time?

I don't know if I have to ask this,
it is pretty clear without I have to say it out loud, isn't it?
"there are things you don't have to ask, Stella"
your words stop me from doing things I used to do the most:
asking and confirming.

Sunday, 1 November 2015

I Am Picking Mushrooms

"ej bekot" in Latvian means "go pick mushrooms".
the idiom was used to express
"go away" or "leave me alone"
I smile bitterly to see my blog posts decreased significantly.
I wrote so much in August, nearly everyday I thought I was able to
post a writing here, now it even only one post in October.
today is November, I hope I have more time and willingness
to write something here, like I was in August.

I think about the cause, "why do I produce so little post?".
I am still texting with you everyday,
though it is not as intense as it was in August.
I am still have free time,
though it is not as plenty as it was in August.
I am still happy to know the idea of us going to meet,
though it is not as joyful as it was in August.
I am still confused with myself, with my feelings,
though it is not as carefree as I was in August.
I am still trying to understand you,
though it is not much I do as I did my best in August.

I am sad, because I don't feel happy like I used to be.
it feels like everyday my happiness is decreased.
I was tremendously happy back then,
interestingly, it is even hard for me to recall
the traces of my previous super-happy-feelings.

I think I need to pick mushrooms.
while picking mushrooms, I can re-evaluate,
re-assure, re-assess, re-thinking about myself.
"what did happen to me?"
"what is it that makes me be like this?"
"what can I do to help me from being like this?"

thank you for the borrowed picture.
our talk made it clearer.
I feel ashamed of myself.
thanks for you.

...and now I am more confused
what am I supposed to do
since I think I am the one who is not
accepting you for whoever you are.
I am not that unconditional like what I believe I am.

Sunday, 18 October 2015

The Wake Up Call

"jujur aja ya, gw uda capek nanggepin lu"
Oct 14th 2015. 10:30 PM.
those words are not mean.
that is what you feel, I believed it.
poor me, they turn into hurtful words
since they don't sound as they are.
you said it, I believe it, and you don't mean it.
I know you know I am able to say f-word out loud, shamelessly.
you are f.

don't ever say meaningless words to me.
please don't.
it is believed and written over many sites on the internet
that a man words are nothing to compare to his actions.
it is more acceptable for a man to say "I hate you"
and behave contrarily rather than a man saying
"I like you" and act in other way.
many sources believe such thing on the internet,
for me, this is insensible and such a moronic idea.

I am a believer, you know that I tend to believe people easily.
well, even if you don't know, you was once said to me
that I have such a trust issue. you see me as a full-of-trust person.
though it is unfortunately wrong, but you have the opinion.

I choose cautiously whom I trust.
I am not that kind of person who has capability to trust people mindlessly.
perhaps this post will able to remind you what I believe about you.
I believe you are a good person. unfortunately, I am wrong.

your words which are not aligned with your actions, really perplex me.
I try to understand, I try hard.
you won't be able to count how much time and energy I have spent
to read everything I could get on the internet,
only to understand your effing inconsistent behaviors.

I care for you
and it doesn't mean you can do whatever you want.
I learn a lot from you
and it doesn't mean you are better than me.
I am grateful for our interaction
and it doesn't mean you can take me for granted.
I am happy with you
and it doesn't mean you can treat me
like I am a stranded iguana, craving for affection.

I am into who you are,
that's why I stay.
thanks a lot for the saying.

I can tolerate everything you do.
but not when you make me feel less worthy.
playing hard to get is okay.
just don't play with someone's self-concept.
I strongly agree with Mahatma Gandhi's saying
"you can't change how people treat you
or what they say about you.
all you can do is change how you react to it."

well, now I choose to feel sad and worthless.

a post which is a good writing here, really amazed me.
she, who happens to be my living diary since I re-know you,
wrote that post and makes me realize some things.

1. I am proven to be really into you, even in her eyes.

2. it is proven that your presence has
a strong positive impact in my life.

3. I am facing the real version of you.

4. I am in the middle of seeking reasons to stay.

5. after all this time, I am happy with the ideal self of you.

your inconsistency really makes me feel sorry.
I am sorry for being real,
for being myself,
for being Stella.

I don't want to be in this situation.
mixing up my feeling of being wanted and unwanted at the same time.
I do understand when someone try to deal with a broken person,
there is a risk to be cut by the shattered pieces of the broken person.

the thing is, this is your way to behave.
"nothing left to be said" is your answer
when I was trying to understand you more
by asking "do you have anything to say?"

Friday, 2 October 2015

Things I Have Learned From You

I thought I have said it to you,
what lessons I have learned from our interaction.
I don't really remember it, anyway,
so I decided to write it down in full version.
hold yourself, this is long.

I wrote this post in two parts,
the first one is about
how I perceived everything about you,
and the second part is about
how I applied what I've perceived.
the application is about upgrading
my beliefs and life values.

I use quotes to make points,
because they help me a lot
to simplify the idea of what I'm going to write.
yeah, you know, I am not that effective in using words.

here it is, lessons that Stella has learned
from you, the Om, the wizard, the magic,
the Joy, the object of my affection,
the pick-up line target, the cat, the fish,
the meaning of Stella's current happiness.

you in my perception

yeah, you know how jerk I could be
when it comes to feeling-related-matter...
I can't thank you more, I do really thank you
for this most precious lesson, ever.
I will lost my count if I try to enumerate
how many times I said you are
such a considerate person.
you respect other, esp. their feelings.
this attitude of you really makes me like you
and I do learn a lot from this.
super thank you to show me how to behave
properly towards other human, Sir.

it could be possible someone's changing
because their minds have opened, couldn't it?
*Keane's song plays in my head*
I hope you remember the moment
you showed me your childhood photos,
how I really amazed to see the way you are changing.
you are such a lovely little boy
who seems to be cheerful and full of curiosity.
he is, the one in the photograph,
looks like the kind of little boy
I know would bring happiness for anyone
who is around him.

the way you treat me, somehow, reveal your truly are.
I see, I listen, I know your
kindness, gentleness, warmth, and sincerity.
you are a well-mannered man
who, unfortunately, wrapped yourself
in a childish, bad-tempered, and self-distancing behavior
to secure yourself from
the damnedly-wicked-yet-beautiful world.

I feel deeply rueful.
the moment I realized this,
is the moment I know I want to
make this little boy goes back to be the one
he used to be.

I asked you, one day,
"why do you like taking photos?"
you said
"I capture the moment, not person"
you say to me, lately, that you want to be a photographer.
I have visited your Instagram account.
as I scroll through it,
I don't really put my attention
about things you were captured.
it took me longer to read the caption
instead of seeing the photo
because that is how I know
the meaning of the photos for you :)
you are really an affectionate guy.

expectation and disappointment
are related to each other
and able to lead us
to the same hell, called heartache.
I can recall it clearly, the way you always remind me
"don't set any expectation, Stell", or,
"you have set your expectation".
I appreciate it, the way you often reminds me
about things I tend to forget.

anyway, it is such a human nature to make an expectation,
no matter how small it is, isn't it?
I try my best not to set any, but of course,
it is such a difficult-but-not-impossible task.
somehow I think what is more to be matter is
about how to deal with the unmet expectation.
I can imagine how hard it is to cope with the fact
that we are hurt by the person we THOUGHT
(yeah, this is the expectation! ugh!)
won't ever hurt us.

I guess this is the reason, you told me that
you don't make a promise but you will try your best
to fulfill the promise people make with you.
yeah, new understanding about you
can only makes me like you more.

"temperament, temperament, temperament"
that is the way you always use to call yourself.
while you really believe yourself as a temperament person,
I can't see you the way you see yourself.
I am the one who is emotional since I could use
the same tone in the middle of re-telling
the experience which makes me angry.
anyway, I really like the way you give me sign
to lower my voice when I, unconsciously,
raise my tone. your sign successfully makes me
more chill afterwards. thank you.

I think you are calm and having such a good self-control.
I know it from the way you prefer to say nothing at all
rather than talk it out loud when you are mad.
(maybe you are trying not to hurt people with your words
when you are angry? CMIIW)
I know it from the way you smoke only when you are
in a full-of-highly-pressure-you-can't-stand-it-anymore situation.
well, since I believe I am not really good at controlling myself,
I try to be better after knowing you can do it.
yeah, self-challenge is my favorite thing.
I am on cloud nine when you are around
while you don't feel the same way.
however, you are still willing to be around me,
as you said "while there is still a chance to do good".
I tell you, occasionally, for taking care of yourself
instead of you are trying your best to always be there for others.
I say I mean it but I don't think you really get my point.
this is not about me, dear, I say this for you in general.
for I believe, there is a reason in every action
and you must have such a strong reason
to do things you don't like over and over again.
I think you try your best to make everyone happy,
although it means you have to giving yourself up.
I think you can call yourself a survivor.
you has saved yourself
from your own negative thoughts.
I know a little about things you have been through.
you told me some, vaguely, and I decided not to ask anything
for I believe I am not capable enough
to console you when my questions, unintentionally,
make you recall some pains from the past.

I think no matter how comprehensive I know,
I will always know nothing about your "battle"
because it was you who experienced it, not me.
that's why I can only call you, proudly, a survivor.
it is not everyone who can wear that term,
you have to be tough and strong to be able to be called that way.

as I read this fact
I feel like I want to hug you so tight.
this world could be beautiful, dear.
at first, I really don't get it when you say
"if it is not asked then it is not meant to be told".
I didn't get it but I try to understand why you hold
such a hard-to-understand belief like that.
I think now I know why.
you think people are just curious and not really care.
I can imagine why you hold this kind of belief.
you've been hurt by those who seem care but don't.

you told me
"setiap manusia tidak perlu dipahami seratus persen"
I got confused when you told me
for not trying to understand human a hundred percent.
that's not aligned with what I've been doing for 4 years.
I've learned about human, whole-fully, in college
in order to get thorough understanding about
this most-complex-creature-ever.

as I read the quote above, I think it becomes clear,
it's not that you don't want to be understood,
but you don't want other people to be bothered with yourself.
well, there is a reason for every action.
if there are some people out there
who want to be bothered with your journey,
they are supposed to be care enough, I guess.

so, is this the reason it bugged you so much
when I asked so many questions?
I am sorry, really...
I am not so sure you don't even understand
what's going on in your head.
I remember one day I asked what is on your mind
and you said "nothing. simply empty".
I tried to explain how you felt being empty
because there are too many thoughts in your head
until it feels hard to decide which one is supposed
to be thought first. you said I was right.
this shows me that you are not really have no idea
about things that is going on in your head.
you prefer to keep things for your own.

well, then, I think I know why
my too-much-detailed-questions disturbed you a lot.
I don't mean to torture you, it is just my tendency
to ask many things to a person I am interested. sorry.

here it is, the conclusion of those lessons-learned above
well, that's all what I have learned from you.
as a good student, things I am supposed to do
afterward is... *drum rolls*
applying what I have learned!

applying things that have been learned is not an easy task.
I am still trying to do it, because I want to be a good student.
as a wizard, you are going to feel good
if the hobbit getting smarter, right?

the application

empathy? considerate? kind?
thoughtful? solicitous?
labels are confusing, sometimes.
I have a tendency to make self-comparison.
I compare this and that of you to myself.
I found you are a good person with stories.
everyone has their stories.
I have mine, you have yours.

your behavior towards other,
which I say "full of consideration",
really amazed me until the moment I want to be
as considerate as you.
you know it quite well how I could behave so bad
towards other people.

I am trying to be a better version of me
because I know how happy it could be
to be treated properly as human with feelings in the heart.

now I think I can see everyone has been through
some stories in their life which makes them
whoever they are today.
my only task is giving myself a try to understand
and to accept whatever they are.
I would never know what they have been through
during their life.

maturity? being fully-functioning adult?
mental quality? grown-up?
full of experience?
I realize I could turn into such a childish person,
esp. when it comes to feelings-related matter.
I tend to be cold, heartless, and aloof
to anyone I know I won't get along with.
I think it is because I don't have such a big heart
to bear any possible hurt I might get from them.

all I can do is trying to be more understanding.
this doesn't mean I turn myself 180 degrees oppositely,
I am not Tom Cruise who does mission impossible,
well, I just can only reducing my tendency
to treat people inappropriately.
this is difficult, but I have a role model
(who is you, obvious enough).
I believe I can be better!

I have learned and liked this concept of
humanistic psychology.
I think  the real application of it is today,
when I have graduated from college.
I was told by a friend in college
that I am a person full of brain.
he said I do things in my life only by what I know
not by what I feel. I argue harshly with him at that time.
the encounter with you, somehow, makes me realize
and admit that I use my brain more than my heart.

the interaction with you and the reflection I've done
makes the basic concept of humanistic psychology,
which I like so much, feels so real and easy to be applied.
I am more hopeful and optimistic
when I meet any person nowadays.
instead of wanting to treat them the way they treated me,
I prefer to give myself a try to understand them more.
everyone has potency to be as good as they can be,
I remember it well the belief that was hold by Carl Rogers.

"we are all broken, that's how the light gets in"
- Ernest Hemingway
everyone has their own stories of life,
that's why people are always different to each other
even when they are identical twins.
I found this quotes and can't agree more.
isn't it impossible for a human to be never broken
during his journey in this world?

in spite of the fact that everyone has unique life stories,
I believe there must be a part in which
a person been through toughly like being down, hopeless, hurt,
harmed, tortured, damaged, and any other negative experience.
it is totally an okay to be at bad time, in my opinion.
the amount of bad times that everyone received
which shapes them they are today.
however, as a faithful person, I believe that we are given
as much as we could receive.
if someone give something more to us,
that means we are trusted to be able to receive it well,
doesn't it?

beautiful philosophy behind the Japanese way
to mend broken objects. they believe when
something's suffered damage and has history
it becomes more beautiful.
I buy into this Kintsukuroi concept so much!
things that are broken can be either
useless at all, OR, become more beautiful than ever.
it is our freedom, anyway, to choose how we are going to mend
everything inside us that has been broken by other people,
conscious unconsciously.

gold or silver is needed to repair a broken pottery
in order to make the broken become prettier.
obviously a broken pottery can't fix itself.
it needed a potter or any other person
to help lacquering the broken pottery.

this makes me think. I live my life only once,
why don't I fill it only with kindness towards
other people? esp. those who are in need of urgent help
because they have been broken badly.

I am not a fans of John Green (yet?)
but this words of him really hit me.
yeah, besides I turn into my old self
who is hopeful and optimistic,
I also grow my faith more and more to Him
who I believe never let us struggling alone.
the simplest instance is He is sending you
to enable me learning and reflecting more about His love.

I used to be a person who love to rush things.
I find it really enjoy when everything I have
happened according to my plan, fast, and efficient.
however, the interaction with you makes me realize
it is not always good to rush things.
(yeah, I learn this through composing the nano block!
thanks for the lesson......................)
times, in odd moments, could turn
illogical things into something that are make sense.
despite the fact that time is a bitch,
now I believe that being patience is essential.

I remember you told me that you enjoy waiting.
in waiting, you can do any other things
like thinking or do some reflections.
currently, I am trying to be more patient and tolerant.
I can understand that waiting could be such a good moment
to think about stuffs I never put my thought on.
probably, this is one of the reason which I realize just now,
I tend to enjoy our current "no label" relationship.
well, I think, not forcing any label on our relationship,
enables us to think more clearly.

I can be more aware that life is an irony with being patient.
not that I just realize it now, I know life is an irony,
but I know it cognitively. then I understand it well
how ironic life could be.

I wonder this later understanding which makes me seems
so naive and childish to address life. I haven't had
a comprehensive understanding of human's life
or perhaps, it can also be difficult for me to get
the whole life lessons because I can make myself happy
without the presence of sadness?
well, I think I have to figure this out.

being tremendously happy with you
encourages me to share my happiness with anyone,
esp. with you, the one who makes me realize
that we are all created to help Him put over and
disseminate His love among creatures.
if we are not making people's life better,
it might be we live our life wrong.

I remember our last conversation
after watching the Intern
"manakah yang menurut lw lebih baik dilakukan?
1. melakukan ke orang lain sebagaimana kita enggak mau diperlakukan.
2. melakukan ke orang lain apa yang mereka lakukan ke kita." 

"enggak dua-duanya. lakukan aja yang baik"
... and then I argue you with the idea of "what is good?"
I do it although I am agree with you~
because everyone has their scars
who will put band-aid on who?
people with no scar won't be tough. I strongly believe it.
with being wounded, we learn how to heal our selves.
with being wounded, we learn how to keep our selves safe.
with being wounded, we learn how it feels to be hurt and being in pain.
wounds grow people. you rocks, wound!
I used to keep myself free from any hurt that possible,
but now I realize there are so many things I could get by being hurt.
I feel like I don't have to worry anything.
whatever an experience might look bad,
in the end, it is only us who can turn it into something good.

you got my respect, dear kind people over the world,
esp. you, the wizard of my life.
how people behave towards each other, somehow,
reflect how they value themselves.
I believe kind people are brave because they are strong enough
to keep their heart warm in this vicious world.
I always keep on my mind, the words of Mother Teresa
"the good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. do good anyway.
give the world the best you have and it may never be enough.
give your best anyway.
for you see, in the end,
it is between you and God.
it was never between you and them anyway."
well, maybe I don't have such a humongous heart
which able to be a big nice eraser.
I am going to use my little-stupid-heart, anyway,
it is not much but it is all I have.
I asked you, one day, whether I bring so much happiness to you
like the way you do to me.
you said I don't have such an impact like that.
well, then, I am alright with it,
since I still can be the eraser
if you give me a permission
to stay in your pencil case, of course.
I like stationery so much,
I'd be happy to be someone's stationery!

broken persons are still human.
who are liked to be understood,
who are happy to be trusted,
who are glad to be accepted for whatever he is.

thank you for the lesson, dear you.
you gave me so much I have never wondered
I would get. thank you, I do really grateful.

images credit.