Monday, 31 August 2015

Letting Myself Into You

I am with you, Sir,
though I am bothered with the "love" word.

I am
as I am being with you.

I hope this is a worthwhile
once-in-a-lifetime experience.
I learn so much from our interaction
and will always be.

PS: one day I will tell you
about this vulnerability.
when I am ready.
if I were ready.

Friday, 28 August 2015

Talking About You with Fr. Hardi

absolutely! *grin*
I met Fr. Hardi unintended today.
I didn't expect to meet him, my very first spiritual trainer,
since I planned another things to do in campus.
he saw me and greeted, I smiled widely to him
and asked whether he is in the middle of doing something.
luckily, Fr. Hardi said he is not busy hence I book his time.
I want to share him a good news.
I was going to tell him that I re-gained the meaningfulness of my life!
Fr. Hardi is the first person that I came when I was confused
about what I was missing in this life.
I really like the way Fr. Hardi could make this world seems a lot better.

after finishing my business, I rushed to Fr. Hardi office.
the idea of talking with him makes me impatient.
I really want to know what kind of insight I would get
from him today. woot woot woot!

Fr. Hardi smile genuinely as he heard that I got back
what was lost in myself.
I told him I could feel the meaningfulness of the Eucharist
and I love Him more since I could feel He is really never leave me
and always listens to whatever I talk to Him.
I also told Fr. Hardi there is someone who helps me
finding back what I was losing (yeah, it is you!).
I supposed Fr. Hardi doesn't know you so I just told
him there is someone, I didn't mention your name.

there are some interesting responses from Fr. Hardi
towards what just has happened to me.
I even took a note in front of him because I don't want
to miss a thing from what he said. hahahaha.

first, he wondered since I gained my life lesson insight
through you and by being with you, what will be happened
if one day you were gone.
will I be lost again?
will the meaningfulness I have got will be fading?
his question doesn't take me aback.
you asked it before, did you?

I said, firmly, I won't lose what I have found because
this gratitude towards Him feels more pervasive
than everything I have ever felt before.
I think what I gained this time is not such an impermanent idea.
this is a life insight which have changed the way
I believe how things happen in this world.

Fr. Hardi said, then, there are differences between
what a person gained with being someone
and what a person gained through someone.

he gave me an example.
a person couldn't be called as having truly repentance
if he only do it because he felt guilty towards other.
his repentance will be temporary because it is not internally driven.
it is the being of other that makes that person moves to do something.
this case would be different if that person repent because
he feels sorry, genuinely, not because the presence of other person.
the repentance would be more meaningful because it is done
not only for other person but also for himself.

at that time I really got Fr. Hardi's point.
I remember the talk with you, about this stuff.
you once asked me
so you let me go from your life
and then I should stop giving you inspirations?
answering your question, I said
"inspiration, for me, stay on my mind.
it won't go anywhere because it is already
become my new paradigm, to live life differently".
you replied, "well then I'm always be here to be your wizard".
I didn't ask, actually, but you made your own promise. yeay!

"always be here to be your wizard"
Bilbo-and-Gandalf-in-Calvin-and-Hobbes taken from here
second, talking about new paradigm,
Fr. Hardi then told me about something that is called "renewal".
he mentioned a quotation I once repeated to him
when we attended a mass in Tegal, in Lena's new home.
the new-home-blessing mass was led by Fr. Sukmo.
for it is about a new home, I assumed Fr. Sukmo
would talk about Lena's family or blessings or gratitude,
stuffs related to it. unexpectedly, Fr. Sukmo, who noticed
that there were a group of Lena's friends came from Jakarta,
he said something I will never forget
perjumpaan membawa perubahan
(Fr. Sukmo, 24/7/13, Tegal)
the "renewal" thing that was mentioned by Fr. Hardi,
related so much with what Fr. Sukmo said.
Fr. Hardi told me, then, every encounter will always
have even a slight possibility to renew our selves.
any renewal is possible.

he gave me an example.
he has an attitude towards female smokers.
one day, he met a female smoker who are so kind.
this encounter, Fr. Hardi believe, could renew his attitude
towards female smokers in general.
if he met another female smoker, he would remember
that kind female smoker and change the way he behave
to female smoker.
well, this is called as attitude change process in social psychology.

Fr. Hardi added, once a renewal happened,
it will stay in our selves
until another renewal is going to be happened.
I guess this is the way Theologian explain
why people are changing during their life.

I think this renewal thing is what happened to me
when I re-know you, dear Mr. Wizard.
knowledge about you makes me able to
change some attitudes and beliefs I have owned for years.
I hope this new sets of attitudes and beliefs won't go anywhere,
won't be renewed in the future,
because I truly like the way they make myself a better person.

I will never want to be the other me
than I am today, under the influence of you wizardry.
third, the most interesting topic Fr. Hardi told me
was about St. Thomas Aquinas' spiritual direction.
"keterarahan" or direction, as it literal meaning,
is the things we can use to direct our life.
Fr. Hardi's daily observations lead him to an apprehension.
he is sad to get the fact that most people live their life direct less.
they tend to live day by day, got nothing, and okay with it.
in Fr. Hardi's opinion, this kind of life is the indication of drought.
people can free themselves from drought by doing "keterarahan"
spiritual exercise.

he said, originally there are 3 types of spiritual directions,
kindness, righteousness, and beauty.
he added one, which is existence,
because he said there is a slight difference between
kindness and existence.
Fr. Hardi explained to me that existence is related
with something more specific like abortion, adoption,
self-worth, and any other things that is about human being
while kindness is more about gratitude, mercy, generosity, and so on.

he gave me an illustration how a spiritually directed person
live his daily life, direct-fully.
if someone was moved to clean his room,
washing up dishes as soon as he finished eating,
and doing any other chores because he feels there is no beauty
in messy things, this person is having beauty direction.
if someone stopped talking because he realized
that his words would cause pain for others
this person is having kindness direction.
Fr. Hardi told me about the other examples,
but I think those two examples I wrote above are clear enough.

He gives me you,
to make me be a better me
than I was yesterday.
you helps me direct my life, for sure.
found this image here.
I am glad I was impulsively booked Fr. Hardi time to talk with me.
I learned much from our short conversation.
thanks a bunch, dearest Father, you will always be my spiritual role model.

I guess the conclusion of my talk with Fr. Hardi
is this quotes from St. Augustine
(Fr. Hardi is the one who told me, anyway).
kodrat membutuhkan rahmat.
(St. Augustine through Fr. Hardi, 2015).
thanks to you, who became my chatting topic with Fr. Hardi ;)
picture from here

Wednesday, 26 August 2015

Your Fan Service

thanks for the illustration, Boum Badaboum
today supposed to be not a perfect day.
I woke up dizzily, I got sore throat, I lost my voice.
those things supposed to be the best things to ruin my day,
but, unexpectedly, I am very okay with those shits.
I told you I lost my voice and
I laughed with the way you commented on my misfortune.
yeah, I have to learn to reduce my tendency to talk with everyone I met.

I was looking forward to this day
because today is the day when I got the book
that was supposed to be your present.
I thought I am going to meet you just to give the book
but you, as full of surprise as always,
told me there is an action movie, The Man from U.N.C.L.E,
released today. so I said let's watch it, happily.

you doubted I have any interest in action movie.
yup, honestly, action is really not my genre.
I even can't recall any action movie I have ever watched.
nevertheless, I am eager to give it a try to watch
any action movie with you!
for sure, I am so excited to try.

besides analyzing myself,
I have another hobby which is self-experiment.
I'd like to know what will I do
if I am in a situation that is uncommonly happened to me.
such as watching action movie at a cinema,
well, I won't do it if that's not you, who ask me to join.

few days ago I have already watched a movie that I like
with a person that I like. it supposed to be double positives,
but not as what I expected to be happened,
the movie is good but I don't emotionally involved with it.
this is something rarely happened, esp. when I watched Disney's.

now I am going to test another hypothesis,
what if I watch a movie that I don't like with a person that I like.
the outcome is supposed to be neutral because the negative
meets the positive. well, learning from the past experience
with Disney's Inside Out, I don't think the outcome
could be easily predicted like that.
I really want to know what is going to be happened.
let us watch action movie!!!

no, I am not doing any guesstimate.
this testing won't cause any harmful impact.
picture from here
thing turns out not as what I thought,
well, yeah, it is you, the unpredictable.
you told me you got wrong schedule so you asked me
what if we just find something to eat.
at that time I don't think about anything.
I just feel okay, really okay with whatever that was going on,
since my intention to meet you is to give your "real" present.
somehow, I could feel you have a slight guilty because
of the movie watching cancellation that you made.

I have told you this truth by text and I mean it.
I ever wondered what would it be
if we spend some hours together,
just chit-chatting and doing nothing.
luckily, it just happened! yeay!
thanks a lot to you for being a "bad-planner" today.
our two hours of doing nothing was not
that awkward as I thought would be
even though what I wanted to do together
was the thing you are not into
and what you wanted to do sounded easy I was not interested.
this fact makes me smile and feels silly.

by the way, I can't wait to challenge you
with the nano block competition.
let us see who is worse at assembling stuffs. hahahaha.
the deal is you have to pick any nano block model for me
and I also do the same. each of us will take it as a gift afterwards.
I am thinking about the punishment for whoever sucker.
or should we do this without any punishment?
how about reward for the less sucker? hahahaha.

as an idol, I think you have such a good fan service.
I do really appreciate the way you touch my forehead,
while saying something that is related with little star.
the way you pulled the hood of my jacket,
while trying to guess why I tried to go home.
the way you ticked my head softly,
to remind me about respect towards mother.
the way you grasp my left hand
when you talked about The Legend of Condor Heroes books.
(yeah, my comment was so dumb at that time
but it makes you grab my hand, yeay!)
and the best thing is when you put your hand on my shoulder
as you walked me to the nearest TransJakarta station.

I was nervous at that time, for sure.
my heart like trying its best to skip a beat
and my mind crazily makes my mouth talking about
how a person we both know, trying to read people's mind
with touching their shoulder.
somehow I relieved you ended your touch by the time
I started talking about  that person.
however now I think I was stupid for stopping you holding me.

anyway, I really appreciate your tenderness.
I got homework from our today interaction
that is: to love mom and be more obedient to her as well.
thanks to you for making my day so perfect.

what if  my heart turned out to be bottomless?
the cute picture taken from here

Sunday, 23 August 2015

A "You" Week

there is no such thing as coincidence.
when things turn out to be happened,
it is meant to be happened.

I saw these stuffs from my social media accounts.
I got the first one from LINE.

she is Nia, a proud INFJ, just like you.
I like the way she sees the world.

I read it and smile widely.
I think our unintended meeting
through social media comment section
is something that is too good to be true for me.
I am on the process to accept that I deserve
this super joyful experience
I have never had during more than 20 years
I live in this world.

not long after seeing Nia's LINE status
I tweeted my gratitude towards you and
there is my friend who replied on it.

she is Cantika. I like her quirkiness style!
yup yup yup yup yup
you are the best airport crew I have ever known!
thanks Cantika for your reply,
I am going to make sure this good crew gets your compliment.

Saturday, 22 August 2015

You Are A Wizard

even though you are my current trending topic,
(I mean, you will be the topic of my writing)
but this morning I asked you, just for fun,
whether you have any topic for me to be written.
unpredictably, as always, you ordered one.
I thought you would say no. hahaha.
well, now I have a homework to do *sigh happily*

you wanted to be described as a wizard.
how about a lizard? hahaha, kidding.

I laughed as I read your request.
while I do my activities today,
I am thinking about what I am going to write
because your wizardry is having some relations
with "my little secret".
considering what you told me yesterday
that you wanted to let the guilty feeling
be my private secret, I have to find another way
to describe you as a wizard.

taken from Merriam-Webster Dictionary

I wonder if you choose the word "wizard" carefully or not.
I searched the meaning of "wizard" synonyms and it turns out
that the other synonyms don't have such a good meaning as "wizard" word.

wizard, a person who has magical powers.
I believe that magic is a mystery.
thing that is once called magical, tend to be indescribable
or has no way to be explained logically.
this fact makes me not really sure,
if these things could be called as magic power
or something you just know (your super knowledge? hahaha)
  1. you know how to make people interested on you
  2. you know how to make people enthusiast with your text
  3. you know how to sound cool people will be so into you
  4. you know how to disclose yourself casually
  5. you know how to make yourself always on my mind although you are not around
anyway, I think magic relates with surprises.
you have that magical power too!
you gave me many surprises with things you said to me.
well then again,
the ambiguity happens between being unpredictable vs magical. hahahha.

wizard, a person who is very good at something.
I won't relate this ability with those magical thingy
because I know you are very good at being considerate.
you said you have that kind of intuition which enable you
to "just know" what is going on.
I used to believe it, but to some degree, I disagree.
I believe your intuition is something that was learned.
I don't know perhaps you got it from the way your parents nurturing you,
or your interaction with your uncle,
or your life experiences. there are many ways to learn.
besides, you have said to me that you use your heart
more frequent than you mind.
I think this is what makes you a wizard,
a person who is very good at noticing feelings.

the wizard version of you? hahaha.
picture taken from here

23.08.15, 05:51 AM

I woke up unintentionally and don't know what to do.
then I re-read my description about your wizardry.
as I read it, I realized there is an important magical power you have
but I missed to write them down yesterday.
so here it is, the sequel part of your wizardry!

illustration taken from here
that is you, the tall gray wizard holding a lamp.
his pose looks like he is trying to explain something,
a guru telling new thing that is hard to be understood by his student.

the one, next to you, is me. standing there silently with blank stare.
she was looking at something. she looks but she doesn't see.
something was missing on her life.
everything she saw could be meaningful, but still,
she could tell there was something in herself that was lost.

she passed her daily life ordinarily. nothing special on her days.
she was functioning well although there wasn't
any drive on herself to spend a day fully.
there is nothing different for her,
Monday is Tuesday,
Tuesday is Wednesday, and so on.
days passed fast with her doing nothing meaningful.

she thinks it was happened because she was having a blurry goal.
she was trying to figure out what she wanted to do with her life.
sadly, in the end, when the goal was known,
the feelings of lost had remained on her.

she did her best to get the answer of her emptiness.
it had never happened before because she used to live her life
to its fullest. she used to know what she wants.

she dedicates 2015 as her self-exploration year because
she is afraid she won't be able to find herself again.
she talked to many people she thought would be able to help.
she wished there were somethings that were said by them which could
make her realize about what was she looking for.
unluckily, their opinions were not enough.
there were even suggestions for her to refine her spiritual calling,
it was something that had never come to her mind, even the slightest one.
she knew it was nothing related with that kind of stuff.
the problem was she didn't know what was it about.
she gave up, then she accepted the fact
that the emptiness wouldn't go anywhere.

one day, she decided to ignore this missing thing.
she believes if it is meant to be found, it will be.
in spite of the fact she was broken because of her emptiness,
she keeps talking to her God, who she knows is the only one
that will always be there for her.
she has this faith although she developed an assumption
that attending a mass in a church is only a religious ritual.
she got nothing every time she joined a mass at that time.

months passed after she made her decision to let herself
befriended with her emptiness.
she thought she could be a good friend
with this new-unpleasant-friend.
just as she started to think about that terrible possibility,
someone shows some magics on her.

she considered magic was something people could only find in
children bedtime stories. there is no such thing as magic
because everything supposed to be able to be explained plausibly.
at the time she felt herself a magic, she got new belief.
now she can say with confidence, there is magic in real world.

it is YOU,
the wizard who could make the magic happens!
picture taken from here
she was so glad she could feel the magic.
her life was more fulfilled than before,
she is able to feel happiness everyday,
gratitude every moment,
and meaningfulness every week.
she knows she is now the one
who she used to know.
an enthusiastic and optimistic human.
she could live her life meaningfully
like the life she always knows.

it is quite hard to describe how
she really thankful because she is allowed
to interact with that kind of wizard,
who has magic in himself but wants to be someone else.
one thing she knows is her encounter with this wizard
couldn't be a coincidence. there are some life lessons
she has already learned while she continues her adventure
in this wicked world.

this wizard is not Gandalf from Lord of The Ring
because Gandalf won't lead her to find her contentment.
Gandalf only care for the ring and Frodo Baggins.

picture taken from here
this wizard is not Albus Dumbledore from Harry Potter series
because Dumbledore doesn't know her well, unlike this wizard.

when Dumbledore meets Gandalf.
comic taken from here
this wizard is not Merlin, that famous old man in many tales,
because this wizard even has a tendency to avoid crowd.

Merlin is too mainstream...
this wizard is very significant for her.
his magic could fill some part of her emptiness, little by little.
she feels so happy she won't demand anything
for she has already got much.


Friday, 21 August 2015

The Unpredictable You

you and your unpredictability.
yesterday I joined 40th days memorial service of my SHS friends' deceased mom.
the mass has given me an insight that
the most precious legacy parents could give to their children is only faith.
so, the children supposed to keep it carefully throughout life.
this thing makes me more thankful to my parents for baptizing me since I was born.

I was chatting ridiculously with my friends while texting with you.
it was an okay until that moment when you, shockingly,
asked me about "my little secret".
I was really surprised you know about it.

I was speechless, reluctantly I replied your text, asking you
about what did you know.
I was curious about what you think you knew
and since you brought up the topic, I wanted to know what you wanted
by bringing up that stuff out of the blue.
do you want to make a comparison?
do you want to know more about my past?
do you want to know what was on my mind
so I could misbehave to other person?
I was trying to figure out what you wanted at that time.

I asked and you answered.
I can feel, somehow, you replied to all of my questions calmly.
on the beginning I feel there was nothing you hid from me.
you told me what and how you knew "my little secret".
there was no doubt but that the longer we talked over this thing,
the more I sense you didn't answer my question clearly.
in the end, I didn't try to guess what was you motivation
by starting such a conversation because you asked me
Do you like him?
Why guilty?
actually, this "my little secret" is my very personal issue.
I tend to repressed it to the bottom of my consciousness,
tried my best to forget it while I wish time would heal
and God will blessed a heartache I was made.
the repression of "my little secret" is not without reason.
that kind of experience was such a pain for me
(yeah, you got a clue how I felt when you read this).

I don't really get it that my lack of emotional awareness is an issue.
not until I have to face that "little secret" experience.
seriously, it really took me some time to deal with what I feel
at that time because there was nothing joyful there.
it were only anger, sad, and disappointment back then.

I felt no joy at that moment for I value our relationship
so much I don't want to change the way it is.
somehow I could see that we,
being an 11-used-to-be-inseparable pals,
were going to be friends who are growing old together.
but disappointingly, that idea was only on my mind.

I was so bad at managing myself back then.
instead of trying to understand other people way of thinking,
I used words to abuse people I thought deserve.
I was mean and heartless yet inconsiderate to what other
people might feel when they heard the words I used.
I was able to ignore people, totally avoid the interaction with them
when I think they have no goodness in their selves
or they are just uninteresting for me.
I was such a mess.

how do I finally know I was so bad back then.
first, after my encounter with that "little secret" moment of life,
I realize that I was effing wicked. that guilty feeling after
I ignored some texts from "my little secret"
won't never go. the most frustrating thing is when I meet or just see
that person, the guilty feeling is really over me. not to mention
I also ashamed for my bad behavior on the past.

second, it is you. your consideration towards other people
really slap me on the face hardly.
it feels like now I play the role as "my little secret"
and He wants to teach me how I supposed to behave
back then (yeah, you play the role as me-supposed-to-be, hahahaha).
I do learn a lot from you, how to behave to other person normally.
not wickedly, nastily, haughtily, and those other words of
childish behaviors. oh boy, you have no clue at all how much
lesson learned I gain from our interaction.

that's why I always say you are such a blessed on my life.
that's why I am always happy by the way you respond
to anything I do to you.
that's why I say I won't demand anything from you,
I think I got too much from you, a new perspective of life.

the interaction with you makes me really aware
that we, humans, are instrument of God's love.
what else can I demand?

your unpredictability
really makes me so into you.

7:35 PM

I asked you whether you are still curious with my guilty feeling.
and you said it "nope. fear not".
I reassured you by asking one more time
if you were really serious about your decision.
you said that let my guilty feeling be my secret.

well, actually I have done some preparation to bring this thing up.
since you said I can keep this thing as my own secret,
oh my, you make me like you more more more more and more!

Thursday, 20 August 2015

Santa Perawan Maria Diangkat Ke Surga

diambil dari sini
gw bukan tipe manusia yang rajin berdoa.
gw berdoa hanya ketika gw merasa butuh.
meski demikian, gw merasa cukup interaktif denganNya
sepanjang hari di dalam pikiran gw.

hari ini, tidak biasanya, tanpa ada apa-apa,
gw terdorong untuk berdoa di pagi hari.
ketika gw kebangun sekitar jam 5an,
gw tiba-tiba mau berdoa tapi tidak tahu
apa yang mau didoakan.

akhirnya gw ambil buku renungan tahun 2013
yang memang gw simpan karena gw menyukai doa-doa di dalam buku itu.
buku ini tergeletak begitu saja di kamar gw,
nyokap yang dulu meletakkannya.
sepertinya gw enggak akan menyentuh buku itu
kalau enggak berada di saat seperti ini.
manusia itu memang enggak akan mencari
kalau enggak merasa butuh ya. hahaha.

gw baca buku itu dan terhenti pada sebuah doa yang menarik.
doa itu adalah doa dari St. Theresia Kanak-Kanak Yesus.
judulnya Aku Adalah Alat CintaMu, ya Tuhan.
Tuhan yang tercinta,
Engkau tak pernah menyuruh aku mengerjakan
sesuatu yang tak mungkin aku kerjakan.
Lebih daripada yang dapat aku lihat
tentang diriku sendiri,
Engkau dapat melihat lebih jelas
betapa lemah dan tak sempurnanya diriku ini.

Maka, jika Engkau meminta aku untuk
mencintai saudara-saudaraku
seperti Engkau sendiri telah mencintai mereka,
itu berarti Engkau sendirilah yang mencintai mereka
lewat diriku dan dalam diriku.

Kau sendiri tahu ya Tuhan,
tak mungkin ada cara lain untuk mencintai mereka
selain dengan cara yang demikian itu.
Memang takkan ada perintah baru:
"Kasihilah satu sama lain,
seperti Aku telah mengasihi kamu",
jika Engkau tak menganugerahkan rahmatMu kepadaku
untuk mengerjakan perintah itu.

Kau ingin mencintai semua orang, ya Tuhan,
lewat aku dan di dalam aku.
Silakanlah Kau mengerjakan keinginanMu itu
dalam diriku dan lewat aku,
supaya benar terbuktilah cintaMu.

- St. Theresia Kanak-Kanak Yesus
setelah mendoakan doa itu,
gw seperti mendapat hidayah.
gw merasa bahwa menjadi alat cintaNya
bisa dilakukan dengan cara yang sangat sederhana.
sesederhana memberikan tanggapan yang baik terhadap orang lain.

kemudian gw berpikir,
bahwa kamu adalah alatNya yang sedang
Dia pakai untuk mencintai gw.
bukan, bukan kamu yang cinta gw, tapi Dia, yang sudah mencintai gw
bahkan sebelum gw tercipta di dunia ini.
ya, kalau kamu cinta gw juga enggak nolak kok,
lebih senang lagi malah. hahahaha.

gw merasa begitu dicintai karena
Ia membolehkan kita bertemu.
dengan berjumpa kembali dengan kamu,
gw belajar tentang perasaan,
mengembangkan empati,
cara baru untuk memandang dan menyikapi dunia,
dan yang terpenting adalah untuk mencintai tanpa berekspektasi.

tanpa kuasaNya, gw yakin
kita tidak mungkin berjumpa.
tanpa kuasaNya, gw pun yakin tidak akan bisa belajar
meski telah melalui berbagai pengalaman hidup yang variatif.
kemudian gw berpikir mengapa kamu yang
Ia kirim untuk menjadi alatNya mencintai gw.
gw rasa gw bisa sedikit menalarnya.

gw mengembangkan keyakinan,
melalui berbagai perjumpaan dengan manusia yang lain,
bahwa apa yang Ia berikan tidak mungkin melebihi
daripada apa yang seseorang bisa terima.
ada banyak bentuk pemberianNya,
kemalangan atau keberuntungan, dan segala macam variasinya.
segala pemberianNya, apapun itu,
gw percaya senantiasa diterima setiap orang dengan porsi yang disesuaikan.

diambil dari sini

gw meyakini bahwa kamu telah diberi sesuatu dengan porsi yang sesuai.
kamu telah merasakan pemberianNya dan sekarang apa yang kamu
dapatkan di masa lalu itu berguna bagi orang lain, yaitu gw.
pertimbangan kamu terhadap orang lain,
cara kamu memperlakukan orang lain,
kebijaksanaan kamu dalam bersikap,
dan kepekaan kamu dalam memperhatikan orang lain,
menurut gw adalah semua pemberian dariNya.

sebagaimana yang gw sampaikan di sini,
gw menganggap kamu sudah one step ahead of me.
kamu sudah diberi sehingga sekarang kamu bisa memberi.
gw yang sekarang merasa ada dalam tahap diberi,
suatu hari gw harap gw bisa ikut memberi seperti yang sekarang
sudah kamu lakukan.

Ia saja percaya denganmu
sehingga menggunakan kamu sebagai alatNya.
apalagi gw?

You Turned Me Inside Out

I can't be eager more to watch this movie
and thank God you are okay to accompany me!
thanks to you.

I don't really enjoy watching movies at a cinema.
first, the sound was so loud sometimes it hurts my ears.
second, I can't watch the movie over and over again,
as it played, I can neither rewind nor pause it.
third, I tend to feel the velvet chair is dirty because everyone
sits there and lean back.
four, I have to be bothered to seek a movie-watching-companion because
I like to talk about interesting scene from the movie I am watching.
five, I don't see any benefit for me from watching movie at a cinema.
well, in conclusion, going to cinema is not my thingy.

besides I am not that type of movie-goers,
I also don't give a damn to the latest movie on screen.
moreover, if I have an interesting movie that I really want to watch to
I'd prefer to watch it later, maybe a week or two weeks after it's premiere.
I do that just because I hate queuing for getting ticket.

but yesterday was so different.
I feel happy there is a cinema, because it makes me able to watch Inside Out
with you, object of my affection.
it was happened so fast yesterday morning.
we texted as usual and I was triggered to ask you accompany me
watching this movie I really want to watch!
just by reading the synopsis and I know I would like the movie instantly.
and the best thing is, you just say yes. THANK YOU!

you said I supposed to be the one who take the tickets stubs.
well, okay then. I took a photo of them and put them on my agenda.
thanks for the mementos.
the idea we are going to watch the movie together makes my day brighter.
I was so enthusiast to meet you, besides the fact that the day before yesterday
you have been through a difficult day (which turns out it was just a prank. hahahaha).
by the way, one scary thing I discovered yesterday:
I spent money carelessly when I am happy. oh gosh, this is horrible.
I bought a bowl of dessert without asking about the portion choices available.
although in the end I was managed to finish up the large portion of the dessert,
I know that mindless behavior was not me. I am not that type of person.
well, again, I learn something about myself because of our interaction.

yesterday you talked a lot about your job while I don't know what to say to you.
I realize it always happens to me. I don't talk much in our meeting.
I think my brain is going numb as I am with you, physically.
your effort to share your work experience somehow makes me think
that is your way to kill the awkward moment as I am quieter when we are together.
actually there are so many things I'd like to talk to you,
but I don't know where and how to start without sounding like a nagging person.
I know you are such a considerate person, well I guess this is just my issue.

the funny thing is my heart feels so calm when you are around.
it beats normally, yeah sometimes it beats heavily, but never as crazy as
that moment when I read your unpredictable texts.
you on the text tend to play with my heart excessively rather than
you on a face-to-face meeting. the way you said
all those what -if statements.
can't wait to see you.
could burn my chest badly.
my heart could beat so hard I am afraid it would explode.
I think it is me being unable to manage myself.
I am too excited with yourself.
well, I supposed I am in the process of learning
how to train my illogical heart so it could behave in cooler way.

you said how my heart works is the effect of me admiring you.
on the other hand, (by reading this) you said I am in love
with the "you", subject of my writing.
okay, you have fed my overthink-mind.
are you my real Joy or are just my imaginary Bing Bong?
who are you on myself?
now, I am totally scared of human brain and human heart.
human, oh, human, be simpler please.

Sunday, 16 August 2015

Your Flu Birthday

I am intentionally left the wrapping paper blank.
it shows what is on my mind when
you said something to me unexpectedly.

honestly, I am really looking forward to meeting you today.
it is not only because I am eager to attend the English mass,
but also because I know today is your 25th birthday *yeay!*
but since you are sick, I have to deal a little longer
with my longing-for-you feeling.
it is an okay with me, because I do enjoy this process of learning.
I supposed to get an A for learning diligently. hahaha.

I know today is your birthday,
I just don't say a thing about it from this morning because
I am going to pretend I don't know today is your born day.
it will be more surprising if I don't say anything and just give you a present.
unfortunately I can't do it because you are sick and
we are not going to meet today.

I have a present for you which I wrapped happily.
for heaven's sake, wrapping a gift is an unpleasant activity for me.
surprisingly, I managed to wrap it, presentable enough,
and I was pleased when I wrapped the gift.
I can't wait to hear your opinion about the present.

well, if I were you, I might feel irritated for having flu on my birthday.
for me, birthday is always a day which happens to be happier than
the other ordinary day. the flu will ruin the happiness, I guess...
I hope you don't have the same unreasonable irritability as mine,
just enjoy your silver birthday and get well real soon :)

by the way, I am glad you postponed our plan.
it shows you have a consideration about your own health.
that is the most important thing right now.

dear flu viruses,
please be good to my dear one.

20/8/15. 6:52 AM

I gave you the present yesterday. I saw you were smiling
even though, as I predicted, you said you already have the book.
I laughed, it was too predicted.
because actually I was intended to give you the autobiography of Coelho,
your favorite author of all time.
but I didn't believe my first intuition and I decided to take the
Albom's Call From Heaven as your present.

I promised to exchange the book, this is not a big deal.
but the way you react at that time, was totally lovely.
first of all you said thank you and mentioned the wrapping paper.
and then you said how you were not into ribbon and gave me an advice
for not using any ribbon when it is related to a present that is intended for you.
you asked my permission for not keeping the ribbon.
I laughed hard, because I was not going to ask you
to keep the ribbon since it only has a decorative function.
anyway, I am the one who like ribbon and always want to be able to tie one
for my dear. I am so glad you are okay to be my object of affection,
it makes me feel I can tie you more ribbon-decorated-presents. hahahaha, just kidding.
next time, no ribbon.
(like I am going to give you another present? hahahaha, you are so confident)

I remember your very fast response when you saw the gift.
you told me you didn't have it yet.
luckily, I didn't believe you.
oh my, you really try your best not to hurt my feeling, dear.
it is okay to say you had it already,
since I value honesty more than anything in this world.

oh! and when I asked you about the idea of either exchanging the book
or you just want to keep the book although you already have it,
somehow I know you would consider the effort I am going to do if
you choose the first option.
I would make a respond like you if I were you at that time.
this makes me more and more and more and more like you, dear.
we can be so similar yet so different.

I'll give you the Coelho autobiography asap.
can't wait to see you again!

26/8/15. 10:38 PM

whoaaa! I have never imagined how happy you are to receive
your "real" present. geez, I am blissful to see how happy you are.
I can't be more joyful when you showed me that you posted
the present on your Path account, as soon as you received it.
the caption (which I forgot the exact words) is
She knows *blablabla don't really remember* 

the cutest thing is that moment when you showed me
your manager left a comment which said
"do you know her *blablabla, again I don't really remember* ".

I smile so wide as I recalling this moment.
you just did it so casual I envy you.
well, please tell your manager that your fans
is a no-demand-supplier who won't bother stuff like
"do you know something about her in return?".
that's not how my affection works, Sir.

I am really glad my present is good for you.
hope you got something else, besides my affection, from it.
enjoy reading, dear!

Friday, 14 August 2015

The Purpose of Your Life

thanks for the picture
we talked about stuffs,
but often ends up in an unresolved argument.
you have your point, I have mine.
our topic yesterday was purpose of life.

I have thought my life purpose deeply
while I was in the middle of processing graduation.
nearly one year has been passed after my graduation.
as I grow older each month, I found a lot of new life experiences
which makes me think there is only ourselves
we can depend on when we go through this whole life process.
I developed a belief that it always our selves first before others.
how could a person care to other if he is the one that needed to be cared?

my dear, as you said your life purpose is
Being someone else's life reason sometimes could be the reason
I re-evaluate my opinion about my belief.
I know there are some people out there, besides you,
who care enough about the wellness of others.
they tend to sacrifice their own selves in order to make
other people happier.

I think about this until I fell asleep.
as I woke up in the middle of the night like this,
I started to google some views of the life purpose.
I found the conclusion of our arguments,
we are not talking the same concept. hahahahaha.
please forgive my silliness, I thought about meaning
while you talked about purpose.

well said, Monsieur Shakespeare :)
you are one step ahead of me, I supposed.
since I am still figuring out what is my gift
and you are already give your gift away :')

by the way, because I know it would be great for you to know
that your absence and presence both mean something to someone,
I will let you know this.

your presence is so meaningful to me.
it has given me life lessons, in positive ways.
I learn more about myself through you.
I know more about human feelings by being with you.
I develop more positive habits in my daily life after we were talking again.
I re-gain my spirit to live day by day happily just by thinking of you.
I happen to smile a lot by reading your response to my tease.
I start to re-explore the meaningfulness of an Eucharistic ceremony.
I feel I become a better Stella after we started such an interaction.

Confucius said there are three methods people may learn wisdom.
by reflection, which is noblest,
by imitation, which is easiest,
and by experience, which is the bitterest.
I believe God grant me the latest method to learn wisdom.
through you, I earn some new insights of life.
I feel the bitterness of learning, gratefully.
I have to admit this learning experience was bitter.

I found myself hard to sleep well.
in the end of the day, sometimes I feel exhausted for no apparent reason.
occasionally there are thumps on my chest which are unpleasant yet fun.
not to mention there is a crazy craving feeling, wanting your name
appear on the notification bar on the screen of my phone.
I can't get things done as effective as I used to be, there are so many things
on my head and my heart. it feels like I become a hanged computer
because of the inadequate RAM capacity. hahahaha.

I think I might unable to bear this torture
but as I feel the bitterness, I also get the sweetness.
I feel the pain and the joy simultaneously which sometimes
makes me unable to think clearly about what I really feel.
then I decided to just keep silence and enjoy each day with you around.
just silence, this is what you told me to do :)
I am a good student, aren't I? hahahaha.

as I discover the absence of you is a driving-me-crazy experience,
I learned two things
1. you are meaningful, at least for me.
2. I am able to deal with and enjoy this missing-you feeling.
I got the #1 thing by being true to myself.
I got the #2 thing by reading this helpful article.
by read it, I am able to distinguish between the lonely feeling
and an empty feeling. I am sure I was not lonely, I was empty.
since you have filled the emptiness, now I think I am quite fulfilled,
well at least not that empty as I was before.

after all, it is always grateful that flowing over me,
I thank God you found me. yup, YOU are the one who found me.
anyway, is this post good enough to make your life feel more purposeful?
*big grin*

I believe you are one of those good people :)

Thursday, 13 August 2015

Sepatu Berlampu

foto sepatu anak berlampu dari sini
obrolan dengan seorang teman membuat gw
membahas tentang sepatu berlampu yang dipakai oleh anak2.
sepatu berlampu menurut gw adalah sepatu "wajib" jaman anak2.
sepatu itu memiliki lampu LED di bagian solnya
sehingga ketika dipakai untuk berjalan, lampu akan menyala
dan sol sepatu akan berkedip-kedip.

gw waktu kecil melihat sepatu tersebut sebagai hal yang keren.
anggapan gw bahwa sepatu berlampu itu keren, tidak pernah sirna.
sekarang pun kalau gw melihat ada anak kecil pakai sepatu berlampu,
gw akan dengan spontan bilang "wah sepatu kamu keren ya".

gw rasa hal ini bisa terjadi karena gw
enggak pernah memiliki sepatu berlampu itu.
gw, waktu kecil, menginginkan sepatu berlampu
tapi tidak dibelikan nyokap, menurutnya sepatu itu norak.

gw membahas anggapan gw bahwa sepatu berlampu itu keren
dan teman gw bilang itu sepatu enggak ada keren-kerennya.
anggapan teman gw bahwa sepatu berlampu enggak keren
terbentuk ketika dia memiliki sendiri sepatu berlampu.
menurutnya, sepatu berlampu hanya keren jika dipakai oleh orang lain.
pemakaian sepatu berlampu oleh diri sendiri hanya membuat diri
merasa berlebihan, norak, dsb, kata teman gw yang pernah memilikinya.

gw berpikir, perasaan yang sama bisa diaplikasikan juga ke hal lain,
misalnya rasa rindu atas keberadaan seseorang dalam hidup orang lain.
rasa rindu hanya tampak manis dan menggemaskan
jika terjadi pada orang lain.

rindu tidak seindah itu jika dirasakan oleh diri sendiri.

Wednesday, 12 August 2015

No Other Brother

I know there will be always a person
that would console me anytime I am down

I was in a very good mood yesterday.
it happened only before I met my friend, joined the discussion about
the measurement of job satisfaction.
the discussion was really such a mess. a mood disaster, for sure.
I was so frustrated, I feel myself totally dumb.
I can't make any good item for the measurement,
I don't give any contribution to the discussion,
I felt like a waste and so sorry for my friend.

then I asked my brother if he could pick me up.
I was crying as I saw him, I really need his console.
I hugged him and he rubbed my shoulder and my back.
I cry harder, I felt pity about myself being dumb and maudlin.
he laughed as I cried and then offered to treat me desserts.
he tried his best to make his sentimental sister felt better,
but I was broken I don't even have an appetite to eat desserts,
the food I like the most.

I can't say a word, I am sorry and glad for having you as my brother.
I won't hope for you to feel the same way for having me,
since I am just a hare-brained stubborn annoying sister.

thank you universe.
please keep him safe and blessed anywhere, anytime he go.

thank you parents

Tuesday, 11 August 2015

Seeing The World Differently

illustration taken from here
it is interesting, to know that I am able to develop a new point of view,
a new way of thinking, just by experiencing a new self-exploration.

by really knowing some particular things,
for example observing the development of elderly relationships,
someone enable to change the way reality is perceived.

I have changed some perspectives,
especially when I listening to songs on the radio.
thanks to you, dear sweet encounter.

Sunday, 9 August 2015

Dear My Intuitive Friend

thanks for making me feel being understood :')

I was on the way back home from Bandung today,
when my friend called me.
I usually sleep and turning off my phone when I was
on the way of a long trip (any trip which is took more than 2 hours).

as I arrived at home, I called him back.
and this funny and sentimental conversation happened.

"Halo? Lw tadi telepon gw? Ada apa sayang?"
"Aduh gw lemes denger lw ngomong kayak gitu, ilang nih apa yang mau gw omongin *ngakak*" 
*ngakak* "Hahahaha, ada apa lw telepon?"
"(menyampaikan urusan yang mau dibahas)... Eh Stell lw kenapa deh?"

I said to him I am okay. I said I was just being so sentimental
about things that just happened to me lately,
related to my grandparents visit to Jakarta.
then I asked him, why he asked whether I am okay or not
and he said it sounded there is something happened with my emotion.
he said I was brokenhearted. hahahahaha.

well, I just like the intuition of this friend of mine.
he just know without I have to say something.
thanks for your concern, my dear friend,
but you are so silly yet untrustable
I will keep my deepest thought to myself. right now.

The Need To Change

the wise answer comes from the question
"is it needed to change ourselves for some people?"

I have to compromise.
it is hard, but I believe on my reliable self,
I can handle myself and other people with care.

I just have to learn more about
  1. Stabilizing my enthusiasm over simple things.
  2. as I learned about self-disclosure, I learned that I can't always bringing up topics about things I am interested in to everyone. I already knew that everyone is not as interested as I am to know other people's life. I enjoy knowing people and I ought to remind myself, "this thing is only attractive to you, Stella".
  3. Still about my enthusiasm over simple things.
    I have to learn how to bind my enthusiasm securely. reveal it only to people who have the same interest with me. sometimes I think I am just too expressive. there is a tendency inside myself to show the world what I really feel. I talk blatantly, sometimes I forgot how my words would produce effects upon other people. I was once told by my friend, in an evaluative way, that I am such an authentic person. I was then took it as a compliment. now, I feel it is a doom. I am so authentic people might offended when talking with me. well, I guess this is a big homework for me to make myself more adjustable to other people.

after thinking for some time, well, in the end I asked my brother
and he gave me such a wise answer.
I even added my opinion to his wisdom response

"only change if it is good? good for whom?"

*brother silence*

"okay, for myself. always consider ourselves first
before anyone, right?"

*brother nodded*

so the matter is actually only one.
hold yourself, Stell, not everyone could handle you
unless your own self. hahhaha.
enjoy the process of changing, Stella.

I got this link this morning.
an 8-years-relationship-fighter friend of mine
shared this on my WhatsApp group.

Traits for Lasting Relationships

I really touched by the post.
the writers poured their thought perfectly well
and I could blend perfectly with the text.
I observed my grandparents over-50-years-relationships
for about a month, just before I read the post.
I can't agree more with the post, it is really true!

maybe there is some kind of differences
related to how Asian people show kindness and generosity
towards people the care and love.
but overall, the post is GOOD.

Wednesday, 5 August 2015

Another Restless Night

makes me forget about missing you
I develop a new habit to help me cope the
I listen to the radio in which it has
a sort of midnight playlist.
it really amazed me how the random songs
were able to catch my attention and somehow
the songs could reflect perfectly what I feel at that time.

for example, I really like the way Jamie Cullum's song,
Mind Trick, perfectly say it out loud what is the thing on my mind
and how was my feeling on Tuesday night (2/8)

I missed the opportunity
To get you babe
To stay with me.
Never thought, I'd regret
The excuses that I've made
Like a song, it will fade

If there's music in the night,
And it's really, really right,
It's the only thing I need.
It intoxicates your mind
All your troubles left behind
So come on and take my lead.
It's not just me who feels it
Music plays a mind trick
Watch me forget about missing you

So I put my feelings out to dry
Love, one day again,
I'll have to try.
Falling out, making up
It seems such a silly game
Why do I never gain?

If there's music in the night,
And it's really, really right,
It's the only thing ohh I need.
It intoxicates your mind
All your troubles left behind
So come on and take my lead.
It's not just me who feels it
Music plays a mind trick
Watch me forget about missing you

na na na's......

If there's music in the night,
And it's really, really right,
It's the only thing I need.
it intoxicates your mind
All your troubles left behind
So come on and take my lead.
it's not just me who feels it
music plays a mind trick
watch me forget about missing you

na na na's.... (watch me forget about missing you)
and then on Wednesday and Thursday (3 &4/8) I listened to
the same song, twice, on the same hour.
Robbie Williams, She's The One.

I was her she was me
We were one we were free
And if there's somebody calling me on
She's the one
If there's somebody calling me on
She's the one

We were young we were wrong
We were fine all along
If there's somebody calling me on
She's the one
When you get to where you wanna go
And you know the things you wanna know
You're smiling
When you said what you wanna say
And you know the way you wanna play
You'll be so high you'll be flying

Though the sea will be strong
I know we'll carry on
Cos if there's somebody calling me on
She's the one
If there's somebody calling me on
She's the one

When you get to where you wanna go
And you know the things you wanna know
You're smiling

When you said what you wanna say
And you know the way you wanna say it
You'll be so high you'll be flying

I was her she was me
We were one we were free
If there's somebody calling me on
She's the one
If there's somebody calling me on
She's the one

If there's somebody calling me on
She's the one
Yeah she's the one

If there's somebody calling me on
She's the one
She's the one

If there's somebody calling me on
She's the one
I always love radio.
this experience makes my list of
gets longer :)

thank God there is radio! hahahaha

11/8, 14:42

I am not a fans of Raisa, but I do like this song.
Raisa Adriana - Jatuh Hati
Ada ruang hatiku yang kau temukan
Sempat aku lupakan kini kau sentuh
Aku bukan jatuh cinta namun aku jatuh hati

Ku terpikat pada tuturmu, aku tersihir jiwamu
Terkagum pada pandangmu, caramu melihat dunia
Kuharap kau tahu bahwa ku terinspirasi hatimu
Ku tak harus memilikimu, tapi bolehkah ku selalu di dekatmu?

Ada ruang hatiku kini kau sentuh
Aku bukan jatuh cinta namun aku jatuh hati
Ku terpikat pada tuturmu, aku tersihir jiwamu
Terkagum pada pandangmu, caramu melihat dunia
Kuharap kau tahu bahwa ku terinspirasi hatimu
Ku tak harus memilikimu, tapi bolehkah ku selalu di dekatmu?

Katanya cinta, memang banyak bentuknya
Ku tahu pasti sungguh aku jatuh hati

Ku terpikat pada tuturmu, aku tersihir jiwamu
Terkagum pada pandangmu, caramu melihat dunia
Kuharap kau tahu bahwa ku terinspirasi hatimu
Ku tak harus memilikimu, tapi bolehkah ku selalu di dekatmu
Tapi bolehkah ku selalu di dekatmu

Sunday, 2 August 2015

The Tomato and The French Fries

I am such an ignorant person.
I rarely give a damn about me having conflicts
with some typical persons.
I tend to keep the conflict resolved asap and keep the distance with the person.
I thought it would such a waste of time and energy
for me trying to deal with a person not worth to be with.

few days lately I found it hard for me to get sleep immediately.
I believe there is something happened to me and I am still figuring out
what happened to me these recent days.
I wonder if there is a kind of conflict with anyone that makes feel uneasy
every night, everytime I am going to sleep.

I value everykind of relation with my friends and acquaintances.
this is an issue for me, therefore I put some effort to make some relations
deeper and have quality.
just like the one I face today, I think I need to make it work.
I am googling, trying to get some knowledge
to understand the nature of the other person
I am dealing with right now.

we might have different way of thinking.
I try to understand.
we might have some dissimilarities shared values.
I try to understand.
we might posses unreasonable unique habits.
I try to understand.
we might have our own fears.
I try to understand.

because it always the value of the relationship,
something that is so meaningful for me.
I won't give up to understand you.

this cute picture of romantic relationship between
tomato and french fries, somehow,
conclude all the things I said above about how I am going to understand
people around me :')

thanks for this lovely ilustration, frenchfries blog :D

3/8, 1:48 AM

I found these moving stuffs, written by one of the those people
I consider it as we-are-having-valuable-relationship.

I also found this well-written romantic experience in one of my acquaintances blog.
these two posts makes me feel more clever in terms of emotional management intelligent.

Saturday, 1 August 2015

Uneasy Night

in the middle of the night like this,
I decided to write down what I feel because I can't stand it anymore.
I feel uneasy, tremendously.

call me liar if I said "I don't know" if someone ask me
"what makes you feel uneasy right now?".
I know it precisely, the source of my restlessness.
I got what I gave around, one year later.

so, this is how it feels to be ignored
while you are in the middle of the need of
interaction with human being.

thanks for the ugly truth reminder
I used to ignore texts when I was in college.
besides it's because I have a lot of hectic days
through my last year campus life,
I also have a tendency to postpone text replying
while I am in the middle of doing something.
I prefer to text peacefully while I was doing nothing,
esp. when the texting process requires more than just typing effort.

now I was the one to be ignored.
I think I am going to die, waiting for the late reply.
thank God for the experience. this really teaches me to learn
to reduce such an annoying habit.

oh my, I still can't sleep!

3/8, 2:11 AM

I talked to Mogri, a stranger I've known from my frivolous social media.
he is 30-y.o guy, a freelance ilustrator,
and an ISFP type of person.
according to what he told me.
our way of thinking is so different
which makes me eager to know
his point of view about my uneasy feeling that I felt lately.

he is so cool and not judgmental.
I like talking with him although we barely know each other.
it feels like talking to Simisimi but in more serious yet casual
and understandable way (and it is human!).

he said to me some things I knew already.
I knew those things BUT the knowledge comes to me because of his words.
the concepts like
"take a break, calm down",
"go for it if you want to",
and the most important one...
"if it is meant to be, it will be"
were all things he said to me.

I used to think about life the same way like Mogri's.
but as I got uneasy (which I know later this could be happened
because I am in the PMS period-which-I-don't-really-believe-there-
is-such-a-thing-as-PMS) all of his words become a self-reminder for me.
I am living those concepts for long time,
but forget it all at once
as some negative feelings come over me.
this fact is lame yet funny.
I feel really grateful because Mogri, the stranger,
was there to hear me saying random stuffs.

this silly yet appreciated experience makes me thinking.

  • people need a huge memory capacity to keep all those stuffs (such as beliefs, values, promises, life principles, etc) kept well in their head, during their long life journey.
  • unfortunately the huge memory capacity is impossible. the fact that human memory is really limited makes it hard for human to remember every stuffs anytime on any occasions which happened in life.
  • therefore, people will need others to remind them (via quotes, talking, or by any other possible medias) on the right time, about those stuffs they think they know but often forgotten.
thanks for the reminder!

thanks for this reminder.