Friday, 21 August 2015

The Unpredictable You

you and your unpredictability.
yesterday I joined 40th days memorial service of my SHS friends' deceased mom.
the mass has given me an insight that
the most precious legacy parents could give to their children is only faith.
so, the children supposed to keep it carefully throughout life.
this thing makes me more thankful to my parents for baptizing me since I was born.

I was chatting ridiculously with my friends while texting with you.
it was an okay until that moment when you, shockingly,
asked me about "my little secret".
I was really surprised you know about it.

I was speechless, reluctantly I replied your text, asking you
about what did you know.
I was curious about what you think you knew
and since you brought up the topic, I wanted to know what you wanted
by bringing up that stuff out of the blue.
do you want to make a comparison?
do you want to know more about my past?
do you want to know what was on my mind
so I could misbehave to other person?
I was trying to figure out what you wanted at that time.

I asked and you answered.
I can feel, somehow, you replied to all of my questions calmly.
on the beginning I feel there was nothing you hid from me.
you told me what and how you knew "my little secret".
there was no doubt but that the longer we talked over this thing,
the more I sense you didn't answer my question clearly.
in the end, I didn't try to guess what was you motivation
by starting such a conversation because you asked me
Do you like him?
Why guilty?
actually, this "my little secret" is my very personal issue.
I tend to repressed it to the bottom of my consciousness,
tried my best to forget it while I wish time would heal
and God will blessed a heartache I was made.
the repression of "my little secret" is not without reason.
that kind of experience was such a pain for me
(yeah, you got a clue how I felt when you read this).

I don't really get it that my lack of emotional awareness is an issue.
not until I have to face that "little secret" experience.
seriously, it really took me some time to deal with what I feel
at that time because there was nothing joyful there.
it were only anger, sad, and disappointment back then.

I felt no joy at that moment for I value our relationship
so much I don't want to change the way it is.
somehow I could see that we,
being an 11-used-to-be-inseparable pals,
were going to be friends who are growing old together.
but disappointingly, that idea was only on my mind.

I was so bad at managing myself back then.
instead of trying to understand other people way of thinking,
I used words to abuse people I thought deserve.
I was mean and heartless yet inconsiderate to what other
people might feel when they heard the words I used.
I was able to ignore people, totally avoid the interaction with them
when I think they have no goodness in their selves
or they are just uninteresting for me.
I was such a mess.

how do I finally know I was so bad back then.
first, after my encounter with that "little secret" moment of life,
I realize that I was effing wicked. that guilty feeling after
I ignored some texts from "my little secret"
won't never go. the most frustrating thing is when I meet or just see
that person, the guilty feeling is really over me. not to mention
I also ashamed for my bad behavior on the past.

second, it is you. your consideration towards other people
really slap me on the face hardly.
it feels like now I play the role as "my little secret"
and He wants to teach me how I supposed to behave
back then (yeah, you play the role as me-supposed-to-be, hahahaha).
I do learn a lot from you, how to behave to other person normally.
not wickedly, nastily, haughtily, and those other words of
childish behaviors. oh boy, you have no clue at all how much
lesson learned I gain from our interaction.

that's why I always say you are such a blessed on my life.
that's why I am always happy by the way you respond
to anything I do to you.
that's why I say I won't demand anything from you,
I think I got too much from you, a new perspective of life.

the interaction with you makes me really aware
that we, humans, are instrument of God's love.
what else can I demand?

your unpredictability
really makes me so into you.

7:35 PM

I asked you whether you are still curious with my guilty feeling.
and you said it "nope. fear not".
I reassured you by asking one more time
if you were really serious about your decision.
you said that let my guilty feeling be my secret.

well, actually I have done some preparation to bring this thing up.
since you said I can keep this thing as my own secret,
oh my, you make me like you more more more more and more!