Monday, 28 September 2015

Goodness in Sadness

good article from psychology today: the benefit of sadness

I am in the middle of my sadness.
I am sad because I can't help you.
I am sad because I think I cause you in trouble.
I am sad because I feel I am not understanding enough.

I try my best to cope with my sadness.
I ask you whether there is something I can help
and you said it's better for me to stay quiet.
I believe you know this will torture me so bad,
but I do it anyway, because I want to make you feel better.
though I am not so sure my silent can fix anything.
I decided to trust you.

I was writing for a script for my online radio activity which I'm volunteered in,
when I found that helpful article in Psychology Today.
well, reading it and remembering Inside Out movies,
makes me grateful because I can feel sad and okay with it.

thanks for the lesson, dear you.
I think I will always learn new things from our interaction.
maybe until one day we have to stop the way it is right now
and live separately, peacefully, yet wisely.
maybe, if the day would come,
in spite of the fact I wish it won't.

staring at the beautiful flower she just picked,
she doesn't know what to do afterwards.
one thing she knows for sure,
she wants to keep the beauty of the flower
lasts forever.

Sunday, 27 September 2015

Teach Me To Listen

last year status and I remember it today.
this is the link to the article.
Teach me to listen, O God,
to those nearest me, my family, my friends, my co-workers.
Help me to be aware that no matter what words I hear, the message is,
“Accept the person I am. Listen to me.”
Teach me to listen, my caring God,
to those far from me– the whisper of the hopeless, the plea of the forgotten, the cry of the anguished.
Teach me to listen, O God my Mother, to myself. Help me to be less afraid to trust the voice inside — in the deepest part of me.
Teach me to listen, Holy Spirit, for your voice — in busyness and in boredom, in certainty and doubt, in noise and in silence.
Teach me, Lord, to listen. Amen.
– John Veltri, S.J. (1933 – 2008)
Canadian spiritual director and expert guide for those presenting the Spiritual Exercises

Saturday, 26 September 2015

Talking With You

picture taken from here.

I still can't move on from our last meeting.
I woke up this morning,
remember the term you said to describe me.
unconsciously blank
it always makes me smile widely.
what a phrase you have!
there is no such thing as it is *laugh*

a friend on my observation site once told me
that I am the type of person who tend to have difficulty in moving on.
yeah, I enjoy myself with memories,
mementos and stuffs that is retained past.
I realized this is not a good habit.
I am trying to reduce it but I can't help my nature.
I think I need to put more effort to stop this unhealthy practice.

my difficulty in moving on proved by the fact
that I am thinking for days,
about what you have told me.
that is because you are admiring me.
you said it when I said to you
"it is funny to know that my heart beats more relaxed
when we meet face-to-face rather than we text to each other.
I supposed it will rumble heavily if I met you in person".

I don't believe your judgement that I am admiring you.
this strong feeling I have towards you
I believe is something more than just an admiration.
I triggered to seek more about "butterflies in tummy" phenomenon
which happens a lot to most people who meet their favorite person.

one day I read an article that is trying to explain
what is really happening inside our stomach when
there are "butterflies in tummy".
simply said, it is our mechanism to make our selves more aware
when something which is possible to threat us is near.

I think I don't feel it because I don't need anything
to enable myself fight or flight, when you are around me.
you are far from threat definition
since I feel safe and secure, peaceful and happy.
even when I watched an emotional movie
like Inside Out with you, I am so calm I don't cry.

unexpectedly, you are that interesting I can't explain my own feeling.

Tuesday, 15 September 2015

Bohm Family, Your First Choice

I used to join film festival with my college friends
or with my brother, but since they are so busy lately,
I think it will be fun to try watching any film on the event with you.
I asked you to accompany me attending German Cinema,
and lucky me, you accepted.
well, I tried to avoid documentary genre but you chose it.
there we go, watching Bohm Family.

great cinematography, touchy story line, I like it!
Die Bohms or Concrete Love
it was a NICE documentary film. I watch Eagle's Documentary Awards movie
on Metro TV but I've never watched such a good documentary movie like this.
you are good at choosing! hahahaha, thanks for your choice.
(yeah, you told me to watch foreign documentary films)

I won't write any review about the movie
because I have a more urgent issue here.
as we were waiting for the Goethe's auditorium to be opened
we talked a lot, I was so happy talking with you that much! hahahaha.
there were so many interesting topics we discussed, such as

1. what is the difference between a clear status relationships and a blurry one.
"ketika ada status, usaha untuk mempertahankan pun semakin besar"

2. what do you think about my living diary.
"bawel, dewasa, perhatian, sedikit kekanakan"

3. are you describing my diary or me.
"your diary, who is similar to you"

4. I am going to make you meet my living diary.
"wah gw harus siap-siap diberondong pertanyaan nih".

5. how do you know my living diary is similar to me.
"get along together, highly similarities".

6. what is trust, actually. why do some people could trust other easily.
"ibaratnya lu kasih kertas ke orang lain, siap enggak lu ketika
kertas itu balik ke lu dalam keadaan lecek?"

7. oh! I really hate wrinkled paper. please take it for you, don't ever return
it back to me if the paper happened to be wrinkled.
"ya lu kan enggak tahu kenapa tu kertas bisa lecek.
bisa aja pas lu kasih kertasnya tu orang lagi enggak bawa map
terus dia naik kereta, desek-desekan, dan lecek kertasnya"

8. wow, they are already queuing. there is still 15 mins left.
"I enjoy waiting".
whaaat. why.
"karena ketika menunggu, lu bisa memikirkan banyak hal".

I wish we could always talk like this.
it is quite fun and entertaining.

Wednesday, 2 September 2015

Naive and Idealist

thank you for the feedback.
"now you know what people know about you
but you don't know"
picture taken from here

I was told yesterday,
by my latest psychology friends
(I know them more after graduation,
I wonder where were they when I was in college)
the ugliest truth I have ever heard about myself.

I talked with them for hours.
we talked about random stuffs but the main topic
is about humans and their behavior.
our long talk lead us to the discussion about idealism.
at one point, I said I have unrealistically high standard
for everything I do.
somehow it makes me more motivated,
on the other hand it makes me frustrated.
instead of calling me as idealist,
they insisted that I am naive, unable to acknowledge the reality.

the way this conversation ends
makes me wonder about the difference between
being naive or idealist.
or maybe there is another term to call this kind of
'high standard' person?
faithful? hopeful? optimistic?

because as a 'high standard' person,
though I tend to be disappointed with the unchangeable condition,
I always try my best to make my surroundings meet my standard.
I am such a hopeful person then, aren't I?

Tuesday, 1 September 2015

Knowing You or Myself More?

the 1st book I borrowed from you, Mr. Kind.
it might help me to make the module.
picture can also be found here.
I was supposed to go to campus,
besides to meet you who kindly lend me the book above,
I had to meet my lecturer
to get her feedback about
things she asked me to help to organize.
shit happened. my observation subject was late
so I couldn't make it to arrive at campus on time.
in the end, I just met my lecturer for some minutes
because she had to leave soon.

I couldn't help the disappointment.
it felt like I did something useless.
as soon that negative thought came to my mind,
I remember I was going to meet you and feel happy instantly.

I didn't know what we were going to do
since I thought I was just going to borrow your book
and I had no plan subsequently.
yeah, maybe we can eat something afterwards.
somehow I forgot that you are the full of surprises wizard.
it was not a surprise if we just ate dinner together.
it IS a surprise when you said your little brother was going to join us.

I didn't mind at all with your brother companion.
I had little curiosity to know about your little brother
as soon as you said he was going to join us.
what he would talk about to a stranger when we meet and
I wondered if he was going to be as interesting as you.
my curiosity, unexpectedly, didn't make me nervous at all.
sometimes I got antsy if I had to meet someone for the very first time
without any prior notification. I didn't feel any anxiety this time, anyway.

I amazed myself because it was neither that awkward
nor difficult to talk with you while there is your brother around.
I thought I would be so quiet because I know nothing about him.
I thought we would run out of topic while I tried to make a conversation.
well, now I think I forgot how I would turn into an eager beaver
when I met a new person.

does it look eager? hahaha
picture taken from here
I thought you and your little brother had chose
any place for us to eat.
well, both of you were so "up to you" which finally
it was me who made the decision. I wanted to eat hamburger
and so there we were ended up.

you said Carl's Jr never fails you.
I didn't agree with you, however, because of the presence of you,
I think the burger pleased my taste buds more than usual.
lucky you, Carl's Jr, I filled the customer satisfaction survey happily
hence I rated all aspects quite high.

after spending some hours talking,
I think you have such an incredible little brother.
I have never met any younger siblings of my friends that was like him.
he is attentive and easy to be talked to,
not to mention his best feature I found out yesterday: his coolness.
he has a good attitude, he was so cool he could angry calmly.
he was not using any cursing words
to describe things that were unpleasant. I am envy him.
I have never been able to show my anger in cool way
like the one your little brother did. hahaha.
I saw both of you so similar yet different person.
super interesting!

another surprise was when you called your friend,
(Fani or Vani or Fanny or Vanie? hahahha, yeah you know who I mean)
at that time. I thought it would be a simple hello, but again,
what I thought would happen NOT going to be happened when you are around.
you introduced us and she didn't mind to join us.
I don't mind it either but at that time I was trying hard
to figure out what kind of person she is.
having no clue at all about a person makes me want to know more.
yeah, call me kepo.

she looks pretty and typical at first.
she asked what major I took at college and when she heard
I was a psychology student, she changed her sitting position
and mentioned things related with "ability to read people like a book".
I laughed to hear her response and tried my best to explain,
as usual, to make her knows more about psychology
(psychology is not just those stereotypes).

both of you talked about your co-workers
who I don't have any slight ideas of them.
I watched and listened to the talk and I enjoyed it.
you have a good relation with her and she is interested
to know more about her friends in her previous company.
both of you talked like best friends who haven't met for some years.

she is such an open person, I could see the way she talks
anything as it is, no pretension, and I like her instantly.
she was even able to talk about her past romantic relationships
which has been ended hardly. I was sorry for her as she talked about it.
you said she is the most pleasant person in your workplace.
I can't agree more with you, she is such a nice woman.

I feel happy, obviously, after spending hours to interact with you.
this time, I learn that I started to know myself not in the way I used to be
because every experience I had with you leads me
to a conclusion that I don't know myself that much,
as much as I thought I know about my own self.

lately I realize there are things I mistakenly predict,
esp. something that is related about my emotions and feelings,
and this is mostly occurred because the presence of you.
like when

  • I thought it would be awkward to spend some time with you talking and doing nothing.
  • I thought it would be awesome to combine favorite movies and favorite person together.
  • I thought it would be hard for me to get along with your little brother.
  • I thought it would be weird to be around with your friend because I barely know them.
  • I thought there would be a lot of butterflies on my tummy when you are around.

I watched his talk months ago but I just really get his point now.
his talk can be heard here
geez, I think this year is really my year of self-exploration.
I can't say anything besides thank you, to show you my gratitude.
thank you, Mr. Wizard-wants-to-be.

uhm, actually you are not special.
you are meaningful :)
picture taken from here