Sunday, 18 October 2015

The Wake Up Call

"jujur aja ya, gw uda capek nanggepin lu"
Oct 14th 2015. 10:30 PM.
those words are not mean.
that is what you feel, I believed it.
poor me, they turn into hurtful words
since they don't sound as they are.
you said it, I believe it, and you don't mean it.
I know you know I am able to say f-word out loud, shamelessly.
you are f.

don't ever say meaningless words to me.
please don't.
it is believed and written over many sites on the internet
that a man words are nothing to compare to his actions.
it is more acceptable for a man to say "I hate you"
and behave contrarily rather than a man saying
"I like you" and act in other way.
many sources believe such thing on the internet,
for me, this is insensible and such a moronic idea.

I am a believer, you know that I tend to believe people easily.
well, even if you don't know, you was once said to me
that I have such a trust issue. you see me as a full-of-trust person.
though it is unfortunately wrong, but you have the opinion.

I choose cautiously whom I trust.
I am not that kind of person who has capability to trust people mindlessly.
perhaps this post will able to remind you what I believe about you.
I believe you are a good person. unfortunately, I am wrong.

your words which are not aligned with your actions, really perplex me.
I try to understand, I try hard.
you won't be able to count how much time and energy I have spent
to read everything I could get on the internet,
only to understand your effing inconsistent behaviors.

I care for you
and it doesn't mean you can do whatever you want.
I learn a lot from you
and it doesn't mean you are better than me.
I am grateful for our interaction
and it doesn't mean you can take me for granted.
I am happy with you
and it doesn't mean you can treat me
like I am a stranded iguana, craving for affection.

I am into who you are,
that's why I stay.
thanks a lot for the saying.

I can tolerate everything you do.
but not when you make me feel less worthy.
playing hard to get is okay.
just don't play with someone's self-concept.
I strongly agree with Mahatma Gandhi's saying
"you can't change how people treat you
or what they say about you.
all you can do is change how you react to it."

well, now I choose to feel sad and worthless.

a post which is a good writing here, really amazed me.
she, who happens to be my living diary since I re-know you,
wrote that post and makes me realize some things.

1. I am proven to be really into you, even in her eyes.

2. it is proven that your presence has
a strong positive impact in my life.

3. I am facing the real version of you.

4. I am in the middle of seeking reasons to stay.

5. after all this time, I am happy with the ideal self of you.

your inconsistency really makes me feel sorry.
I am sorry for being real,
for being myself,
for being Stella.

I don't want to be in this situation.
mixing up my feeling of being wanted and unwanted at the same time.
I do understand when someone try to deal with a broken person,
there is a risk to be cut by the shattered pieces of the broken person.

the thing is, this is your way to behave.
"nothing left to be said" is your answer
when I was trying to understand you more
by asking "do you have anything to say?"

Friday, 2 October 2015

Things I Have Learned From You

I thought I have said it to you,
what lessons I have learned from our interaction.
I don't really remember it, anyway,
so I decided to write it down in full version.
hold yourself, this is long.

I wrote this post in two parts,
the first one is about
how I perceived everything about you,
and the second part is about
how I applied what I've perceived.
the application is about upgrading
my beliefs and life values.

I use quotes to make points,
because they help me a lot
to simplify the idea of what I'm going to write.
yeah, you know, I am not that effective in using words.

here it is, lessons that Stella has learned
from you, the Om, the wizard, the magic,
the Joy, the object of my affection,
the pick-up line target, the cat, the fish,
the meaning of Stella's current happiness.

you in my perception

yeah, you know how jerk I could be
when it comes to feeling-related-matter...
I can't thank you more, I do really thank you
for this most precious lesson, ever.
I will lost my count if I try to enumerate
how many times I said you are
such a considerate person.
you respect other, esp. their feelings.
this attitude of you really makes me like you
and I do learn a lot from this.
super thank you to show me how to behave
properly towards other human, Sir.

it could be possible someone's changing
because their minds have opened, couldn't it?
*Keane's song plays in my head*
I hope you remember the moment
you showed me your childhood photos,
how I really amazed to see the way you are changing.
you are such a lovely little boy
who seems to be cheerful and full of curiosity.
he is, the one in the photograph,
looks like the kind of little boy
I know would bring happiness for anyone
who is around him.

the way you treat me, somehow, reveal your truly are.
I see, I listen, I know your
kindness, gentleness, warmth, and sincerity.
you are a well-mannered man
who, unfortunately, wrapped yourself
in a childish, bad-tempered, and self-distancing behavior
to secure yourself from
the damnedly-wicked-yet-beautiful world.

I feel deeply rueful.
the moment I realized this,
is the moment I know I want to
make this little boy goes back to be the one
he used to be.

I asked you, one day,
"why do you like taking photos?"
you said
"I capture the moment, not person"
you say to me, lately, that you want to be a photographer.
I have visited your Instagram account.
as I scroll through it,
I don't really put my attention
about things you were captured.
it took me longer to read the caption
instead of seeing the photo
because that is how I know
the meaning of the photos for you :)
you are really an affectionate guy.

expectation and disappointment
are related to each other
and able to lead us
to the same hell, called heartache.
I can recall it clearly, the way you always remind me
"don't set any expectation, Stell", or,
"you have set your expectation".
I appreciate it, the way you often reminds me
about things I tend to forget.

anyway, it is such a human nature to make an expectation,
no matter how small it is, isn't it?
I try my best not to set any, but of course,
it is such a difficult-but-not-impossible task.
somehow I think what is more to be matter is
about how to deal with the unmet expectation.
I can imagine how hard it is to cope with the fact
that we are hurt by the person we THOUGHT
(yeah, this is the expectation! ugh!)
won't ever hurt us.

I guess this is the reason, you told me that
you don't make a promise but you will try your best
to fulfill the promise people make with you.
yeah, new understanding about you
can only makes me like you more.

"temperament, temperament, temperament"
that is the way you always use to call yourself.
while you really believe yourself as a temperament person,
I can't see you the way you see yourself.
I am the one who is emotional since I could use
the same tone in the middle of re-telling
the experience which makes me angry.
anyway, I really like the way you give me sign
to lower my voice when I, unconsciously,
raise my tone. your sign successfully makes me
more chill afterwards. thank you.

I think you are calm and having such a good self-control.
I know it from the way you prefer to say nothing at all
rather than talk it out loud when you are mad.
(maybe you are trying not to hurt people with your words
when you are angry? CMIIW)
I know it from the way you smoke only when you are
in a full-of-highly-pressure-you-can't-stand-it-anymore situation.
well, since I believe I am not really good at controlling myself,
I try to be better after knowing you can do it.
yeah, self-challenge is my favorite thing.
I am on cloud nine when you are around
while you don't feel the same way.
however, you are still willing to be around me,
as you said "while there is still a chance to do good".
I tell you, occasionally, for taking care of yourself
instead of you are trying your best to always be there for others.
I say I mean it but I don't think you really get my point.
this is not about me, dear, I say this for you in general.
for I believe, there is a reason in every action
and you must have such a strong reason
to do things you don't like over and over again.
I think you try your best to make everyone happy,
although it means you have to giving yourself up.
I think you can call yourself a survivor.
you has saved yourself
from your own negative thoughts.
I know a little about things you have been through.
you told me some, vaguely, and I decided not to ask anything
for I believe I am not capable enough
to console you when my questions, unintentionally,
make you recall some pains from the past.

I think no matter how comprehensive I know,
I will always know nothing about your "battle"
because it was you who experienced it, not me.
that's why I can only call you, proudly, a survivor.
it is not everyone who can wear that term,
you have to be tough and strong to be able to be called that way.

as I read this fact
I feel like I want to hug you so tight.
this world could be beautiful, dear.
at first, I really don't get it when you say
"if it is not asked then it is not meant to be told".
I didn't get it but I try to understand why you hold
such a hard-to-understand belief like that.
I think now I know why.
you think people are just curious and not really care.
I can imagine why you hold this kind of belief.
you've been hurt by those who seem care but don't.

you told me
"setiap manusia tidak perlu dipahami seratus persen"
I got confused when you told me
for not trying to understand human a hundred percent.
that's not aligned with what I've been doing for 4 years.
I've learned about human, whole-fully, in college
in order to get thorough understanding about
this most-complex-creature-ever.

as I read the quote above, I think it becomes clear,
it's not that you don't want to be understood,
but you don't want other people to be bothered with yourself.
well, there is a reason for every action.
if there are some people out there
who want to be bothered with your journey,
they are supposed to be care enough, I guess.

so, is this the reason it bugged you so much
when I asked so many questions?
I am sorry, really...
I am not so sure you don't even understand
what's going on in your head.
I remember one day I asked what is on your mind
and you said "nothing. simply empty".
I tried to explain how you felt being empty
because there are too many thoughts in your head
until it feels hard to decide which one is supposed
to be thought first. you said I was right.
this shows me that you are not really have no idea
about things that is going on in your head.
you prefer to keep things for your own.

well, then, I think I know why
my too-much-detailed-questions disturbed you a lot.
I don't mean to torture you, it is just my tendency
to ask many things to a person I am interested. sorry.

here it is, the conclusion of those lessons-learned above
well, that's all what I have learned from you.
as a good student, things I am supposed to do
afterward is... *drum rolls*
applying what I have learned!

applying things that have been learned is not an easy task.
I am still trying to do it, because I want to be a good student.
as a wizard, you are going to feel good
if the hobbit getting smarter, right?

the application

empathy? considerate? kind?
thoughtful? solicitous?
labels are confusing, sometimes.
I have a tendency to make self-comparison.
I compare this and that of you to myself.
I found you are a good person with stories.
everyone has their stories.
I have mine, you have yours.

your behavior towards other,
which I say "full of consideration",
really amazed me until the moment I want to be
as considerate as you.
you know it quite well how I could behave so bad
towards other people.

I am trying to be a better version of me
because I know how happy it could be
to be treated properly as human with feelings in the heart.

now I think I can see everyone has been through
some stories in their life which makes them
whoever they are today.
my only task is giving myself a try to understand
and to accept whatever they are.
I would never know what they have been through
during their life.

maturity? being fully-functioning adult?
mental quality? grown-up?
full of experience?
I realize I could turn into such a childish person,
esp. when it comes to feelings-related matter.
I tend to be cold, heartless, and aloof
to anyone I know I won't get along with.
I think it is because I don't have such a big heart
to bear any possible hurt I might get from them.

all I can do is trying to be more understanding.
this doesn't mean I turn myself 180 degrees oppositely,
I am not Tom Cruise who does mission impossible,
well, I just can only reducing my tendency
to treat people inappropriately.
this is difficult, but I have a role model
(who is you, obvious enough).
I believe I can be better!

I have learned and liked this concept of
humanistic psychology.
I think  the real application of it is today,
when I have graduated from college.
I was told by a friend in college
that I am a person full of brain.
he said I do things in my life only by what I know
not by what I feel. I argue harshly with him at that time.
the encounter with you, somehow, makes me realize
and admit that I use my brain more than my heart.

the interaction with you and the reflection I've done
makes the basic concept of humanistic psychology,
which I like so much, feels so real and easy to be applied.
I am more hopeful and optimistic
when I meet any person nowadays.
instead of wanting to treat them the way they treated me,
I prefer to give myself a try to understand them more.
everyone has potency to be as good as they can be,
I remember it well the belief that was hold by Carl Rogers.

"we are all broken, that's how the light gets in"
- Ernest Hemingway
everyone has their own stories of life,
that's why people are always different to each other
even when they are identical twins.
I found this quotes and can't agree more.
isn't it impossible for a human to be never broken
during his journey in this world?

in spite of the fact that everyone has unique life stories,
I believe there must be a part in which
a person been through toughly like being down, hopeless, hurt,
harmed, tortured, damaged, and any other negative experience.
it is totally an okay to be at bad time, in my opinion.
the amount of bad times that everyone received
which shapes them they are today.
however, as a faithful person, I believe that we are given
as much as we could receive.
if someone give something more to us,
that means we are trusted to be able to receive it well,
doesn't it?

beautiful philosophy behind the Japanese way
to mend broken objects. they believe when
something's suffered damage and has history
it becomes more beautiful.
I buy into this Kintsukuroi concept so much!
things that are broken can be either
useless at all, OR, become more beautiful than ever.
it is our freedom, anyway, to choose how we are going to mend
everything inside us that has been broken by other people,
conscious unconsciously.

gold or silver is needed to repair a broken pottery
in order to make the broken become prettier.
obviously a broken pottery can't fix itself.
it needed a potter or any other person
to help lacquering the broken pottery.

this makes me think. I live my life only once,
why don't I fill it only with kindness towards
other people? esp. those who are in need of urgent help
because they have been broken badly.

I am not a fans of John Green (yet?)
but this words of him really hit me.
yeah, besides I turn into my old self
who is hopeful and optimistic,
I also grow my faith more and more to Him
who I believe never let us struggling alone.
the simplest instance is He is sending you
to enable me learning and reflecting more about His love.

I used to be a person who love to rush things.
I find it really enjoy when everything I have
happened according to my plan, fast, and efficient.
however, the interaction with you makes me realize
it is not always good to rush things.
(yeah, I learn this through composing the nano block!
thanks for the lesson......................)
times, in odd moments, could turn
illogical things into something that are make sense.
despite the fact that time is a bitch,
now I believe that being patience is essential.

I remember you told me that you enjoy waiting.
in waiting, you can do any other things
like thinking or do some reflections.
currently, I am trying to be more patient and tolerant.
I can understand that waiting could be such a good moment
to think about stuffs I never put my thought on.
probably, this is one of the reason which I realize just now,
I tend to enjoy our current "no label" relationship.
well, I think, not forcing any label on our relationship,
enables us to think more clearly.

I can be more aware that life is an irony with being patient.
not that I just realize it now, I know life is an irony,
but I know it cognitively. then I understand it well
how ironic life could be.

I wonder this later understanding which makes me seems
so naive and childish to address life. I haven't had
a comprehensive understanding of human's life
or perhaps, it can also be difficult for me to get
the whole life lessons because I can make myself happy
without the presence of sadness?
well, I think I have to figure this out.

being tremendously happy with you
encourages me to share my happiness with anyone,
esp. with you, the one who makes me realize
that we are all created to help Him put over and
disseminate His love among creatures.
if we are not making people's life better,
it might be we live our life wrong.

I remember our last conversation
after watching the Intern
"manakah yang menurut lw lebih baik dilakukan?
1. melakukan ke orang lain sebagaimana kita enggak mau diperlakukan.
2. melakukan ke orang lain apa yang mereka lakukan ke kita." 

"enggak dua-duanya. lakukan aja yang baik"
... and then I argue you with the idea of "what is good?"
I do it although I am agree with you~
because everyone has their scars
who will put band-aid on who?
people with no scar won't be tough. I strongly believe it.
with being wounded, we learn how to heal our selves.
with being wounded, we learn how to keep our selves safe.
with being wounded, we learn how it feels to be hurt and being in pain.
wounds grow people. you rocks, wound!
I used to keep myself free from any hurt that possible,
but now I realize there are so many things I could get by being hurt.
I feel like I don't have to worry anything.
whatever an experience might look bad,
in the end, it is only us who can turn it into something good.

you got my respect, dear kind people over the world,
esp. you, the wizard of my life.
how people behave towards each other, somehow,
reflect how they value themselves.
I believe kind people are brave because they are strong enough
to keep their heart warm in this vicious world.
I always keep on my mind, the words of Mother Teresa
"the good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. do good anyway.
give the world the best you have and it may never be enough.
give your best anyway.
for you see, in the end,
it is between you and God.
it was never between you and them anyway."
well, maybe I don't have such a humongous heart
which able to be a big nice eraser.
I am going to use my little-stupid-heart, anyway,
it is not much but it is all I have.
I asked you, one day, whether I bring so much happiness to you
like the way you do to me.
you said I don't have such an impact like that.
well, then, I am alright with it,
since I still can be the eraser
if you give me a permission
to stay in your pencil case, of course.
I like stationery so much,
I'd be happy to be someone's stationery!

broken persons are still human.
who are liked to be understood,
who are happy to be trusted,
who are glad to be accepted for whatever he is.

thank you for the lesson, dear you.
you gave me so much I have never wondered
I would get. thank you, I do really grateful.

images credit.