Sunday, 18 October 2015

The Wake Up Call

"jujur aja ya, gw uda capek nanggepin lu"
Oct 14th 2015. 10:30 PM.
those words are not mean.
that is what you feel, I believed it.
poor me, they turn into hurtful words
since they don't sound as they are.
you said it, I believe it, and you don't mean it.
I know you know I am able to say f-word out loud, shamelessly.
you are f.

don't ever say meaningless words to me.
please don't.
it is believed and written over many sites on the internet
that a man words are nothing to compare to his actions.
it is more acceptable for a man to say "I hate you"
and behave contrarily rather than a man saying
"I like you" and act in other way.
many sources believe such thing on the internet,
for me, this is insensible and such a moronic idea.

I am a believer, you know that I tend to believe people easily.
well, even if you don't know, you was once said to me
that I have such a trust issue. you see me as a full-of-trust person.
though it is unfortunately wrong, but you have the opinion.

I choose cautiously whom I trust.
I am not that kind of person who has capability to trust people mindlessly.
perhaps this post will able to remind you what I believe about you.
I believe you are a good person. unfortunately, I am wrong.

your words which are not aligned with your actions, really perplex me.
I try to understand, I try hard.
you won't be able to count how much time and energy I have spent
to read everything I could get on the internet,
only to understand your effing inconsistent behaviors.

I care for you
and it doesn't mean you can do whatever you want.
I learn a lot from you
and it doesn't mean you are better than me.
I am grateful for our interaction
and it doesn't mean you can take me for granted.
I am happy with you
and it doesn't mean you can treat me
like I am a stranded iguana, craving for affection.

I am into who you are,
that's why I stay.
thanks a lot for the saying.

I can tolerate everything you do.
but not when you make me feel less worthy.
playing hard to get is okay.
just don't play with someone's self-concept.
I strongly agree with Mahatma Gandhi's saying
"you can't change how people treat you
or what they say about you.
all you can do is change how you react to it."

well, now I choose to feel sad and worthless.

a post which is a good writing here, really amazed me.
she, who happens to be my living diary since I re-know you,
wrote that post and makes me realize some things.

1. I am proven to be really into you, even in her eyes.

2. it is proven that your presence has
a strong positive impact in my life.

3. I am facing the real version of you.

4. I am in the middle of seeking reasons to stay.

5. after all this time, I am happy with the ideal self of you.

your inconsistency really makes me feel sorry.
I am sorry for being real,
for being myself,
for being Stella.

I don't want to be in this situation.
mixing up my feeling of being wanted and unwanted at the same time.
I do understand when someone try to deal with a broken person,
there is a risk to be cut by the shattered pieces of the broken person.

the thing is, this is your way to behave.
"nothing left to be said" is your answer
when I was trying to understand you more
by asking "do you have anything to say?"