Sunday, 18 October 2015

The Wake Up Call

"jujur aja ya, gw uda capek nanggepin lu"
Oct 14th 2015. 10:30 PM.
those words are not mean.
that is what you feel, I believed it.
poor me, they turn into hurtful words
since they don't sound as they are.
you said it, I believe it, and you don't mean it.
I know you know I am able to
say f-word out loud, shamelessly.
you are f.

don't ever say meaningless words to me.
please don't.
it is believed and written over many sites on the internet
that a man words are nothing to compare to his actions.
it is more acceptable for a man to say "I hate you"
and behave contrarily rather than a man saying
"I like you" and act in other way.
this is insensible and such a moronic idea.

I am a believer, you know that.
well, even if you don't know,
you once said to me that I have such a trust issue.
from your eyes, you see I am such a full-of-trust person.
you said I trust people easily,
though it is unfortunately wrong,
but you have the opinion.

I choose cautiously whom I trust.
I am not that kind of person
who is able to trust people mindlessly.
perhaps this post will able to remind you
what I believe about you.
I believe you are a good person.

your words which are not aligned with your actions
really perplex me.
I try to understand, I try hard.
I really mean it when I say "I try hard".
you won't be able to count how much time I spent
to read everything I could read on the internet,
only to understand your effing inconsistent behaviors.

I care for you
and it doesn't mean you can make me hate myself.
I learn a lot from you
and it doesn't mean you are better than me.
I am grateful for our interaction
and it doesn't mean you can take me for granted.
I am happy with you
and it doesn't mean you can treat me
like I am a stranded iguana, craving for affection.

I am into who you are.
that's why I stay.
thanks a lot for the saying.

I can tolerate everything you do.
but not when you make me feel less worthy.
playing hard to get is okay.
just don't play with someone's self-concept.
I strongly agree with Mahatma Gandhi's saying
"you can't change how people treat you
or what they say about you.
all you can do is change how you react to it."

well, my reaction is I feel sad and worthless.

a post which is a good writing here, really amazed me.
she, who happens to be my living diary since I re-know you,
wrote that post and makes me realize some things.

1. I am proven to be really into you, even in her eyes.

2. It is proven that your presence has
a strong positive impact in my life.

3. I am facing the real version of you.

4. I am in the middle of seeking reasons to stay.

5. after all this time, I am happy with the ideal self of you.

your inconsistency really makes me feel sorry.
I am sorry for being real,
for being myself,
for being Stella.

I don't want to be in this situation.
mixing up my feeling of
being wanted and unwanted at the same time.
I do understand when someone try to deal with
a broken person, there must a risk to be cut
by the shattered pieces of the broken person.

the thing is, I won't ever can understand
if there is nothing left to be communicate.
again, this is your way to behave.
"nothing left to be said" is your answer
when I was trying to understand you more
by asking "do you have anything to say?"