Monday, 30 November 2015

The Flashback

original post is here

I remember I watched Inside Out
and there are some thoughts that haven't been answered.
I can make the question but then
I can't think of the answer at that time.
I think now I know the answer of my own question.

Bing Bong is not real. it is only on Riley's mind.
just like what I felt at that time,
my imagination about you, is only on my mind.

the disappointment I have felt
really made me sad and drove me to make a promise to myself.
I have to do something to keep my self-worth stays high.

this is not even a goodbye.
no farewell, nothing to be said to end the closure.
you think you are only friend.
for me, you are my wizard, my "Om",
my recent source of happiness.
I don't know if those words mean nothing.
I don't call people at random.
I invent nicknames to those who are close enough with me.
even though the "Om" is not relevant anymore,
but still you used to be my "Om".

I realize, we barely know each other.
also there is not enough patience and bravery
to give it more chances and more time
to understand each of our selves deeper.

farewell and goodbye is not necessary,
since there is no string attached.



29 March 2016
1:21 PM

I tried to do handstands for you
I tried to do headstands for you
Every time I fell on you yeah every time I fell
I tried to do handstands for you
But every time I fell for you
I'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue
For you

I tried to do handstands for you
I tried to do headstands for you
Every time I fell on you yeah every time I fell
I tried to do handstands for you but every time I fell for you
I'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue
For you ooo ...
For you ooo ...
So black and blue ooo ...
For you ooo

I grabbed some frozen strawberries so I could ice your bruising knees
But frozen things they all unfreeze and now I taste like
All those frozen strawberries I used to chill your bruising knees,
Hot July ain't good to me
I'm pink and black and blue
(for you)

I got bruises on my knees for you
And grass stains on my knees for you
Got holes in my new jeans for you
Got pink and black and blue
Got bruises on my knees for you
And grass stains on my knees for you
Got holes in my new jeans for you
Got pink and black and blue
For you ooo ...
For you ooo ....
So black and blue ooo ...
For you ooo ...

Do-doo-do-do-do
Do-doo-do-do-do
Do-doo-do-do-do
Do-doo-do-do-do
Do-doo-do-do-do

Bruises by Chairlift

thanks for the effort,
text me out of the blue,
popping up some memories,
but still frozen strawberries won't enough
for July is too hot.

Saturday, 28 November 2015

Out of The Blue

this lovely picture borrowed from here.

I am in the middle of the night,
doing my usual task, typing.
as I regain my old habit, listening to the radio,
one of the song that is played makes me stop for a while.
at first I enjoy the song because I like Ellie Goulding.
I think and listen carefully to the lyrics.
then there is something drives me to write this post.

How Long Will I Love You
Ellie Goulding
How long will I love you?
As long as stars are above you
And longer, if I can.
How long will I need you?
As long as the seasons need to
Follow their plan.

How long will I be with you?
As long as the sea is bound to
Wash upon the sand.
How long will I want you?
As long as you want me to
And longer by far.
How long will I hold you?
As long as your father told you,
As long as you can.
How long will I give to you?
As long as I live through you
However long you say.
How long will I love you?
As long as stars are above you
And longer, if I may.

We're all traveling through time together
Every day of our lives.
All we can do is do our best
To relish this remarkable ride.

star is one of celestial bodies which I like the most.
besides of the fact my name is derived from it,
I like stars because they have interesting facts.
every information about stars always amazed me.

one of the most unforgettable fact I know about star
is that there are so many stars out there in the universe.
Sun is one of them. it is the nearest star from the Earth.
Sun's splendid usage as inspiration
for countless artists, poets, songwriters, etc,
doesn't make it counted as big stars.
Sun is just one of little stars in the sky.
there are many other bigger and brighter stars
out of our galaxy.

stars, unlike the other celestial bodies, can produce light.
stars have gravitation. this explains why planets
in our solar system rotating around the Sun.
stars attract other things in the space
and the frictions among them
makes the heat around star very high.
actually star is a sphere of very hot gas called plasma
which gathered because of the star's own gravity.

stars form in large gases areas.
star's gravity attracts more and more gases
and then form thicker molecular gases cloud.
the core of the stars keep radiate energy.
the radiation involves much gases like hydrogen, oxygen, and carbon.
different ingredients of the fusion which makes the stars vary in
shapes, colors, and masses. every star is unique.

on the average, lifespan of stars are usually
between 1 and 10 billion years old.
some stars may even be nearly 13.8 billion years old.
this is fantastic and when I heard the lyric of Goulding's song,
"how long will I love you? as long as stars are above you"
I feel touched though it is overly exaggerated.
the lyric doesn't stop there, it is still added
"and longer if I can".
this hyperbolic lyric is lovely.

is there anyone out there asking me
"how long blablabla"
I will answer it, in humorous way,
"as long as the stars are above us".

stars are interesting, aren't they?
they are like humans.
everyone is a star for their other halves.

Monday, 16 November 2015

Woe is Me



I do like this song. the music sounds catchy on my ear.
I like this part of the lyrics
are we all lost stars trying to light up the dark?
the words show perfectly what I felt few months ago.

today I hear the song and carefully listening to the lyrics.
I found another part of the song which hit me.


cupid demands back his arrow,
that sounds as if cupid is a computation device
which able to take back when giving act is already done.

well, maybe this could be happened...
everything can be happened on Earth, right?

illustration borrowed from here.
I prefer cupid taken back his arrows
rather than I can't see clearly.

Thursday, 12 November 2015

A New Beginning

just the way it is.
edited the picture from here.
yesterday was the very first day after these few months,
no text from each of us during the whole day.
I was so busy yet I don't really know what to say to you.
apparently, yesterday was over and our daily routines
seems ended.

I just realize this few hours later
and I wonder if
1. I ran out of words,
2. or out of topics to be said to you,
3. or there is nothing thrilling to be talked anymore,
4. or I don't have much energy to make an effort,
5. or I just don't want to bother you
with all my bugging behaviors.

well,
I found this saying on my Pinterest pin homepage.
somehow I think Pinterest just know my situation.

breathe. trust. let go. see what happens.
picture taken from here.
yes, I have plenty plans for us.
zentaglingdoodling, crafting.
visiting art events (ranges from visual arts exhibitions,
art performances, plays, concerts, to poetry readings).
joining independent cinema fests
or perhaps any interesting workshops.
attending weekend mass in Jakarta churches.
chitchatting in your favorite coffee shop
or maybe trying some interesting coffee shops.
playing games (video or board games,
trampolinelaser game, arcade games, you name it).
filling trivia questions about each of us.
reading books or picking book to be read by each other
while eating desserts.
wandering around some places we've never explored before
(Kota, or PIK, or Blok M, Jakarta parks, or elsewhere).
bicycling at the beach, seeing fishes, going to a zoo.
exploring Jakarta and take a lot of street photos.

well, not to mention those usual hanging out activities, e.g
watching movies,
eating lunch or dinner or just enjoying meals,
doing Jakarta short culinary trips.

I do enjoy my time that was spent with you.
I feel happy and I like to spend more time.
should I thank you for the time you have spent on me?
or shall we spend more time?

I don't know if I have to ask this,
it is pretty clear without I have to say it out loud, isn't it?
"there are things you don't have to ask, Stella"
your words stop me from doing things I used to do the most:
asking and confirming.

Sunday, 1 November 2015

I Am Picking Mushrooms

"ej bekot" in Latvian means "go pick mushrooms".
the idiom was used to express
"go away" or "leave me alone"
I smile bitterly to see my blog posts decreased significantly.
I wrote so much in August, nearly everyday I thought I was able to
post a writing here, now it even only one post in October.
today is November, I hope I have more time and willingness
to write something here, like I was in August.

I think about the cause, "why do I produce so little post?".
I am still texting with you everyday,
though it is not as intense as it was in August.
I am still have free time,
though it is not as plenty as it was in August.
I am still happy to know the idea of us going to meet,
though it is not as joyful as it was in August.
I am still confused with myself, with my feelings,
though it is not as carefree as I was in August.
I am still trying to understand you,
though it is not much I do as I did my best in August.

I am sad, because I don't feel happy like I used to be.
it feels like everyday my happiness is decreased.
I was tremendously happy back then,
interestingly, it is even hard for me to recall
the traces of my previous super-happy-feelings.

I think I need to pick mushrooms.
while picking mushrooms, I can re-evaluate,
re-assure, re-assess, re-thinking about myself.
"what did happen to me?"
"what is it that makes me be like this?"
"what can I do to help me from being like this?"



thank you for the borrowed picture.
our talk made it clearer.
I feel ashamed of myself.
thanks for you.

...and now I am more confused
what am I supposed to do
since I think I am the one who is not
accepting you for whoever you are.
I am not that unconditional like what I believe I am.
phew...