Sunday, 1 November 2015

I Am Picking Mushrooms

"ej bekot" in Latvian means "go pick mushrooms".
the idiom was used to express
"go away" or "leave me alone"
I smile bitterly to see my blog posts decreased significantly.
I wrote so much in August, nearly everyday I thought I was able to
post a writing here, now it even only one post in October.
today is November, I hope I have more time and willingness
to write something here, like I was in August.

I think about the cause, "why do I produce so little post?".
I am still texting with you everyday,
though it is not as intense as it was in August.
I am still have free time,
though it is not as plenty as it was in August.
I am still happy to know the idea of us going to meet,
though it is not as joyful as it was in August.
I am still confused with myself, with my feelings,
though it is not as carefree as I was in August.
I am still trying to understand you,
though it is not much I do as I did my best in August.

I am sad, because I don't feel happy like I used to be.
it feels like everyday my happiness is decreased.
I was tremendously happy back then,
interestingly, it is even hard for me to recall
the traces of my previous super-happy-feelings.

I think I need to pick mushrooms.
while picking mushrooms, I can re-evaluate,
re-assure, re-assess, re-thinking about myself.
"what did happen to me?"
"what is it that makes me be like this?"
"what can I do to help me from being like this?"

thank you for the borrowed picture.
our talk made it clearer.
I feel ashamed of myself.
thanks for you.

...and now I am more confused
what am I supposed to do
since I think I am the one who is not
accepting you for whoever you are.
I am not that unconditional like what I believe I am.