Wednesday, 23 December 2015

In The Middle of The Big City

How Far is Far by Alvin Tresselt,
illustrated by Ward Brackett (1964)
picture borrowed from here.

what if
a star needs a light
a helper needs a hand to hold
a human needs a name
a Stella needs a goal
a me needs a you

picture borrowed from here.

I enjoy eating cookies,
or biscuits if you are an American.
I love the cracking sound as I bite it.
I love its crunchiness.
I love its slight sweetness.

aside from those attractions of cookies,
I like cookies so much because of
the instant happiness a cookie can give for me.

would you be my cookie?

Saturday, 19 December 2015

Strong Confusing Feelings

I find it quite therapeutic to write things down
esp. when there are some things happened
which are related with feelings,
the hardest mental state to describe perfectly.
just like what I do right now.

few hours ago, my online radio program coordinator
send an announcement in WhatsApp group. a surprising one.
he said our program is going to be replaced.
at first, I don't even get the idea of replacement.
I thought it is only the concept for January 2016 which is changed.
I was once shared the idea what if we broadcast topics
about difficulties of being a good Catholics.
my coordinator was okay with the idea.
out of sudden, he brought the shocking news.
no more Manajemen Hati (MH) program in our online radio.

I am upset. it feels like what I've done all these time
from September to really right now, seems useless.
by January 2016, there will be any traces of my work.
there will be a totally new program.
my coordinator still thinking about the title of the new program.

at the same time, I do also relieve.
in spite of the fact that I enjoy scratching concepts,
preparing the substances for MH,
loving the whole preparation process (even though there is nothing
inside my mind which is useful enough to make the MH topics
interesting and deep to be shared), but still
I have to put extra effort, google more, read more, discuss more
in order to make myself having more understanding about this new holy things.
geez, the never-read-bible-nor-Catholic-articles person like me
is the one who behind the MH program.
this fact sounds like a joke, but that was what happened for about 3 months.
some part of myself cheer up for the smell of freedom.

these two strong feelings makes me feel unpleasant.
I feel happy yet sad.
comfortable yet disappointed.
challenged yet incompetent.
optimist yet ineffectual.

I talked to my mom, who has listened to my program, about my upset.
she listened MH only once and it is enough to make her
complained to me about the superficial talk I was saying in MH.
I do agree with her point. I think I have fixed MH good enough
but in the end MH was discontinued.

when she knew MH is going to be stopped in 2016
and there is a new program for me,
she laughed and offered me cookies.
it was the most unexpected response from her.
she told me it is better to enjoy the cookies
rather than thinking about the radio matter over and over.
yeah, she gave me the cookies while still saying
"why don't you hear my feedback?"
but still, her laugh makes me feels happier.

well, the green tea cookies taste good enough.
I feel better after eat almost all of them alone :P
now it is being discussed by some people in the WhatsApp group
about what things we should do next, after MH transformation.
I don't give a damn.
I think what I need now is filling myself with positive thoughts.
just like in Star Wars movie
(which I watched yesterday, for the very first time. ever.)
we need the good and bad to keep the force balance.
I need good thoughts to endure the bad overcome my mind.
and also good music.

thanks to Michael Buble Christmas album
which helps me a lot to bring the good mood back.

inspired from Hello Happiness
an Ajahn Brahm book I found in your room.

I am not a quitter.
in fact, quit is not a word in my vocabulary.
this event successfuly makes me sick I even think about quitting.
at the same time, I remember the why.

people said once you know the why
it will be easier to know the how.
I think I need to find the how by myself.

Friday, 18 December 2015

Last Minute Reading

Eleanor & Park by Rainbow Rowell
sometimes I read a book just because of the nice cover
or the simple and intriguing title.
Eleanor & Park is one of the example.
I decided to read it shortly after I saw the simple cover
and I wonder what is going on between E & P
until their story could be turned into a novel.

I am curious with E & P story
just because both of the main characters
are facing their back towards us, the reader.

somehow the cover reminds me with my favorite
romance story of all time, 500 Days of Summer.

The Smiths
connects protagonists everywhere.
I am not an avid reader
but I do enjoy reading.
I am not trying to make a review
of this heart-touching-sweet-and-lovely story.
this post is for sharing my impression
of Rowell's best selling novel.

I spent 4 days to finish this book.
it took so many hours of me wondering about many things
because of the way Rowell telling the story in her darling novel.
I think and reflect about the parents function in children life;
about the essence of loving and being loved;
about the needs to accept our selves;
about the ugly truths we have to face as we live
and how we adapt to them.

I snapshot some parts of Rowell's pleasing novel,
which makes me stop reading for a while,
to digest her dearly yet mind blowing sentences.

this is page is crazy! super sweet and precisely describe
how it feels to be far away and near a person we like so much.
this is my very favorite page
I am happy when reading the whole sentences in this page.
extremely wonderful work, Rowell.
I love you and your strong feelings.

you are my favorite person of all time.
I do use this kind of sentence to say how I like a person so much.
geez Rowell, you robbed my heart.

this is really cute, the way Eleanor describes Park gradually.
at first she said that cliche word, kind,
luckily in the end, she said you make me feel like a cannibal
which I think appealing and unusual.

I ran out of words to say how darling this part is.
I've never really missed anybody but you.
this sentence I have used a lot.

another maximum cuteness part.
well, I think Rowell really good at capturing
the cheesiness of first love
while at the same time she reminds us
about the way a person can be so fond of another one.
the best part is, Rowell does this not in dramatic exaggerate manner.

serendipity, the nicest thing in the universe had ever done for her.
I smile shamefully at this part.
the thought, that universe has something to do
with all those coincident meeting with the favorite person,
can be still happen when we are grown-up.
somehow I really impressed with Rowell ability
to capture every little details and typical feelings
of a human, who feels love and being loved.
I wonder Rowell is a highly self-conscious person.

I never thought someone can be able to know
he would like a song before he has heard it.
I can't imagine how does this thing happen,
not until Rowell used this kind of analogy
to tell how it feels to like someone so much
when we just barely know him.
I think it is just the same like me liking this book
before I read any text in it.
I like this book as soon as I read the title.
I like you as soon as I know your name.

what a touchy part.
I re-read these sentences for some times
and somehow I think human memories
can't be that good and reliable enough
to keep the sensation we would to feel repeatedly. huft.

sigh. at this point I think Rowell
was ever visiting my mind.
trying not to care, but cannot.
nothing else matter when you like me back.
I don't like you (but I do crazily into you!)

I feel the urge to squeeze Park's dad
at the moment I read this part.
that is why you like her.
yeah, when we make someone
as our most favorite person on Earth,
never forget the very first reason
why we like that person :')
people might change, but I believe
there is that one quality of a person
which won't change no matter what.
I usually call it as virtue.
even in the cruelest human beings,
everyone has one, hasn't it?

your mother is sorry.
this sentence hit me.
I wonder how many Asian adults
who has ever said sorry to their offspring.
moreover, I never imagine
there might be parents who say sorry.
this is something beyond my imagination.
I think Park's Asian parents be able to apologize
because Rowell, the author, is not Asian.
she might hardly know exactly
how an Asian parents behave.

I laugh as I read the last sentence.
I enjoy Rowell's way to portray precisely
the intense feeling in humorous if-clause-sentence.
she is super witty.

yeah, I strongly agree with Rowell's point here.
there are things or person or events which won't make
our discomfort feels better,
but it is alright rather than our feelings getting worse.

the interaction between E & P
shows me how a person who is madly deeply in love
automatically can accept the partner for whoever s/he is.
this is not an easy thing to do, esp. when we know a person
for quite long time when there is no more stages on the mystery play.
reading this part, it seems like I was reminded to try my best
practice what I preached, loving unconditionally,
whether to my family, or even strangers.

the most famous quotable sentence of E & P.
she looks like art.
thanks Rowell, for making every woman in the world
feels precious in their subjective uniqueness.

it is always our choice to choose
if we want to leave of stay
in any kind of relationship.
I believe those who deserve "the stay"
is always a worth the choice person.

to sum up, I might say E & P is the best book I've read in 2015.
lucky me to read this book at the end of the year,
the perfect time for me to reflect what I've done through
this one whole year.
what an eye-opening and mind blowing book.
Rainbow Rowell is on my favorite author list.

Monday, 14 December 2015

An Extraordinary Training

read the article about this "baopu" comic by Yao Xiao
intrigued me to write this post.
recently I involved, coincidentally,
in a therapeutic training for teens.
the concept was great, I can't resist not to say yes immediately
when my friend asked me to join the training team.
there is a training for the trainer,
since this is not just an ordinary training
for several reasons

1. the training initiator is a senior psychologist.
2. she has a lot of individual clients.
3. her clients' children will be the participant of this training.
4. the aim of the training is to give knowledge about self-awareness.
5. not only psychological stuffs that were taught, but also spiritual things.

related with the "baopu" comic above,
I remember one of many materials that were given by the psychologist
during training for trainer session.
we were taught to use virtuous language to talk,
not just for the sake of the training itself.
she asked us to use it in our daily life.

at first I thought virtuous language is the same with
basic counselling class I was once got in college.
most of the principles are quite similar.
fortunately there is something new from this virtuous language.
I got this when the psychologist told us to see
the virtue everyone has which, unfortunately,
located behind the unfortunate event.

the "baopu" comic, I could say,
illustrates nicely about how virtuous language
supposed to be implied in everyday life.
instead of saying sorry, which usually lead to negative thoughts,
it is better to say thank you, which automatically makes us
think about positiveness in everything.

this new concept hit me hard.
I am now still on my way to habituate myself
with this kind of (troublesome yet very positive) language.
just like "baopu", I prefer to say sorry instead of thank you
when it comes to something which is related to my bad habit.
being late, being forgetful, being talkative,
being rude, being unemphatic, being lazy, and so on.

it is more likely for me to say
"I am really sorry for being late, I am such a mess"
than saying "thank you for your patience";
"I am sorry, I totally forgot where I put that thing"
than saying "thank you for your trust";
"I am sorry I think I talk too much"
than saying "thank you for being my ears";
"My apology, I don't mean what I said"
than saying "thank you for your consideration";
"I am sorry for ignoring your feeling"
than saying "thank you for your tolerance";
"I am sorry I delayed the work so it is passed the due date"
than saying "thank you for your kindness".

it is not easy at all, for me, to learn this new habit.
I have to be aware of what merit someone has done to me.
using virtue language makes our selves more observable
to every goodness we received from other person.

by saying thank you instead of sorry,
we shift our attention more to other person/people virtues
rather than focus on our flaws.
this kind of habit is good to train our selves
acknowledge others kindness better than mentioning
our negativeness.

by saying thank you instead of sorry,
we will be easier to see goodness in everything.
this habit changes our attitude to see every event in our lives,
whether it is an ordinary or a special one.
I believe by getting used to virtuous language,
everyone could has a better mental state
and better quality of life.
this way of talking translates gratitude
into a simple-doable action

the goodness of this training is not only happened
in the pre-training process.
I am also amazed when every parents was given
an enveloped letter.

what a thoughtful letter! I wonder if my parents ever read this one.

the existence of the virtuous language and
the post-training letter for parents
really make me satisfied with my involvement
in this one of a kind training.
thank you Ma'am psychologist, for letting me join
this insightful yet joyful event.

Friday, 11 December 2015

Postgrad Plans

thanks for the picture.
I searched some places to continue my higher education journey.
I am not interested in studying in Indonesia
because I need new experience and
more exposure to wilder academic world.
as I seek information about psychology master degrees programs,
I found this super duper fascinating major!
unluckily, it is in Cambridge,
the second oldest university in the English-speaking world.

shot from here.

the major is so perfect.
it covers social psychology and also developmental aspects of human!
both of them are my interest.
unfortunately, as I read the requirement,
well, I create new belief instantly:
human may dream as high as he can
as long as it is within his limit

I found the alternatives for social and developmental psychology major
besides the one which is offered
by Cambridge, the high-ranked University.
it is in Cyprus, New York (NYU Steindhardt),
or New York (NSSR, PHd Program).
those are in NY seem interesting, esp. NYU Steindhardt.
but I prefer to seek more information and requirements needed
to join well-known University.

*continue googling