Saturday, 19 December 2015

Strong Confusing Feelings


I find it quite therapeutic to write things down
esp. when there are some things happened
which are related with feelings,
the hardest mental state to describe perfectly.
just like what I do right now.

few hours ago, my online radio program coordinator
send an announcement in WhatsApp group. a surprising one.
he said our program is going to be replaced.
at first, I don't even get the idea of replacement.
I thought it is only the concept for January 2016 which is changed.
I was once shared the idea what if we broadcast topics
about difficulties of being a good Catholics.
my coordinator was okay with the idea.
out of sudden, he brought the shocking news.
no more Manajemen Hati (MH) program in our online radio.

I am upset. it feels like what I've done all these time
from September to really right now, seems useless.
by January 2016, there will be any traces of my work.
there will be a totally new program.
my coordinator still thinking about the title of the new program.

at the same time, I do also relieve.
in spite of the fact that I enjoy scratching concepts,
preparing the substances for MH,
loving the whole preparation process (even though there is nothing
inside my mind which is useful enough to make the MH topics
interesting and deep to be shared), but still
I have to put extra effort, google more, read more, discuss more
in order to make myself having more understanding about this new holy things.
geez, the never-read-bible-nor-Catholic-articles person like me
is the one who behind the MH program.
this fact sounds like a joke, but that was what happened for about 3 months.
some part of myself cheer up for the smell of freedom.

these two strong feelings makes me feel unpleasant.
I feel happy yet sad.
comfortable yet disappointed.
challenged yet incompetent.
optimist yet ineffectual.

I talked to my mom, who has listened to my program, about my upset.
she listened MH only once and it is enough to make her
complained to me about the superficial talk I was saying in MH.
I do agree with her point. I think I have fixed MH good enough
but in the end MH was discontinued.

when she knew MH is going to be stopped in 2016
and there is a new program for me,
she laughed and offered me cookies.
it was the most unexpected response from her.
she told me it is better to enjoy the cookies
rather than thinking about the radio matter over and over.
yeah, she gave me the cookies while still saying
"why don't you hear my feedback?"
but still, her laugh makes me feels happier.

well, the green tea cookies taste good enough.
I feel better after eat almost all of them alone :P
now it is being discussed by some people in the WhatsApp group
about what things we should do next, after MH transformation.
I don't give a damn.
I think what I need now is filling myself with positive thoughts.
just like in Star Wars movie
(which I watched yesterday, for the very first time. ever.)
we need the good and bad to keep the force balance.
I need good thoughts to endure the bad overcome my mind.
and also good music.

thanks to Michael Buble Christmas album
which helps me a lot to bring the good mood back.

inspired from Hello Happiness
an Ajahn Brahm book I found in your room.

I am not a quitter.
in fact, quit is not a word in my vocabulary.
this event successfuly makes me sick I even think about quitting.
at the same time, I remember the why.

people said once you know the why
it will be easier to know the how.
I think I need to find the how by myself.