Saturday, 31 December 2016

Personal Style #1 - Pants

image taken from here

that last person on 2016 asked me about my annual resolution
which makes me think a lot during my holiday.
after thinking for a while,
and after googling for some time,
I decided to make three personal-and-not-very-important resolutions
for 2017:

1. identify my fashion style.
2. build a capsule wardrobe.
3. make a realistic bucket list.

in order to do point 1 and 2,
I compiled all of my fashion pins on my Pinterest
and I am so happy to finally have this 3 classifications:
#1 favorite style using pants.
#2 favorite style using skirts.
#3 favorite style using dresses.

dear future Stella,
don't you ever forget and confused with your own style
esp. when you are going to buy some new clothes.
remember this post. always.



I prefer wearing pants rather than skirts or dresses,
but not until I graduated and realize how boring my style
to only wear jeans and shorts everyday.

even so, I found some ways to spice up the way I wear pants.
I am tired to be asked "are you a student or a worker?"
every time I meet a new stranger.
2017 my appearance will radiate maturity. yeah.

the extra casual look

shorts never go wrong, actually.
I tend to use them for going out e.g
dinner with my nuclear family,
hang out with my dear friends on weekends,
or during my lazy day.

combine the shorts with
long sleeves (or three quarter sleeves)
with slip-ons
and canvas bag
for the extra casual look.

or to make it more chic,
the combination might be shorts with
sleeveless shirts or blouses
but don't forget the accessories
either (metal) necklace, (small) belt, or watch.
bring clutch instead of bag.


the casual look

tee, denim, and converse will always be a perfect match.
this is my usual template anytime I go out from home, e.g
when I was a college student,
when I go to work (yeah this is my working attire
since I work in a social organization),
and when I am in hurry to go to somewhere I can't use shorts
(like places to pray or library, etc).

to make it more chic,
there are some ways to tuck the tees in jeans.
spice it up with (metal) necklace or heels.
again, bring clutch instead of bag.


the occasional look

I was once wearing shawl to spice up my plain tee.
unfortunately I think I can't use it frequently
because I live in Jakarta, the terribly hot city.
I do really like how a simple circular shawl
can easily turn your ordinary look into special one.

the combination of shawl
with tees or shirts (chambray or denim)
and flats can optimize the chic look.

might wear this look when
travelling, going to cinema,
and during cold weather.


the timeless look

imo, long sleeves can be used in any occasion,
from casual to formal
from going out to supermarket
to attending a meeting.

no accessories needed.
just make sure to wear the long sleeves
with a proper shoes, like
slip-on, running shoes, flats, or heels.
clutch will always be a good alternative, instead of bag :)


the not-so-formal alternatives

I rarely wear shirts for couple years.
not only because the slack working environment,
but also by nature I don't really like formal-look.

shirts, esp. chambray and denim, is the best.
white loose shirts (or we call it as boyfriend shirts)
are also cool.

make sure to roll-up the sleeves of the shirts,
pay attention to the way you tuck the shirt in,
and wear a watch. perfectly chic.

heels, flats, jeans, or office pants,
I think are not having significant impact
to add value to this outfit.

overall, I like this style so much.
super simple, chic, yet comfortable.
red shoes, oh my...
minus the sunglasses, of course.
those all the looks I love for the first post of my personal style.
next post is my second personal style review, enjoy.

Friday, 30 December 2016

The Last Person in 2016

on the 5th hangout,
I feel like I want to put my head on you.
but something invisible there
which prevents me to do so.
illustration from here.

our last meeting was on 20th Dec
but on 28th it feels we just met yesterday.
I wonder what makes it feels that way.
is it because of your question about my unfulfilled resolution
which leads me to re-read our text thoroughly...?
yeah, I re-read our whole convo from the very begin
and now I feel I am a f up b.

you fill my mind.
you are there everyday, stay peacefully.
since the moment we were apart at that night,
after the sushi night,
after the Kimi No Na Wa,
after the moment we sat next to each other,
after the moment I feel okay to touch your cheek
(and you touch mine too!),
after the moment you offer me you shoulders
(and I don't put mine, lol),
after the moment you put your head next to mine,
after the moment you tell me about your extraordinary hobby
to hug something while watching movie.

I was unable to say it out loud,
"let's not see each other again
since the more I see you, the more I want you.
and I don't want it to happen".
I don't want it because I know this is not what WE want.
we were happy to spend some of our time together.
that's it, no more no less.

I was unable to say it out loud,
"let's not see each other again
since I was never expect this stupid feeling grows,
and I wonder we are supposed to be just a hangout pal".
I don't know what you want by asking to meet me time after time.
I still remember the moment I asked you
"what does it which drive you to meet me?"
and you said it unbelievably
"I think it's been a while since the last time I like particular person".
I don't know what did you mean,
at that time I just laughed and I thought you are random.

on our last meeting you were so witty I was amazed and said
"it feels like I meet you on our very first time hangout".
I was also amazed by the way you change my mind with you were
teasing me by asking if there were anyone who ever gave me flowers.
I don't like flower, I am not that type of girl.
I prefer we plant flowers together rather than anyone gives me a dead plants.
it was my standpoint when you gave me other perspective,
"let's pretend the flower is a symbol of non-eternity.
to remind us we will die one day later".
I laughed. as always, your reasoning ability
makes me feel okay with your different point of view.

I enjoy your presence as much as I enjoy your text.
it seems not mutual, anyway.
it takes like forever for you to text me back
and our written convo will end up by me sending the last message
and you, after one or two days, start a new convo.
it is our ritual and I feel not okay.

it feels awkward and not natural.
it feels like I can't make deeper connection with you.
it feels although we are quite close, but the distance between us
never decreased. I'm frustrated.

on our last meeting, you were asking me to hang out once more.
I smile and didn't give the direct answer you expected to hear.
"see you when I see you" was the statement you said in the end.
no booked date, no promise, no expectation.

on our last meeting, you were asking me if we can call it a date.
again, I smile and didn't give you direct answer.
I asked you back "why we have to call it as a date?
what's the difference with our hangouts and meetings before?
why we should put label on it?".
at that time you just call me as 'too millennial' for not putting any label.
I smile once more and now I put my thought on your question.

I try my best to decide for
what I want, what I look for, what I like from you,
where are we going to, what are we doing?
we've spent so much time and effort for instant happiness
in-between our hectic-demanding job.
and that's what I was looking for. a short sweet escape.
a meaningful convo I can't have with anyone else.
an instant hangout and no promise afterwards.
a random meeting with a random guy to cheer up my day.

those are what I want from you,
before I think deeply about your question,
before I re-read our convo from the very begin.

shall we stop seeing each other
while I always enjoy the moment talking with you?
just because I don't want to wanting you more.
just because I know this is not what I am looking for
at the very first start.
just because I don't feel I like to invest so much feeling on you
right now. it's just not the right time.

there are constraints I am not sure what they really are.
they make me think I am wrong to start the game with you.
I think I am wrong but I keep doing this wrong thing.
I am happy by doing this. you make me happy.
I am such a bad person, aren't I?
but, again, you are the one who makes me realize
there is no such thing as a genuine self-less person in this world.

shall we not see each other again?
because I might fall for you, if we continue our routines.
You keep trying to forget about the good times
Does it make you fall a little better?
I'm not alone, I only pick the flowers
Kind of makes you feel a little worthier.
But the chillin turn out fine
I got the pieces if you got the time.

And I want you, I don't wanna forget
If you go I'll surely get distracted
And I want you, I don't wanna forget
If you go I'll surely get distracted.
I want you, somebody sweet to talk to,
Somebody sweet to talk to.


I don't wanna get stuck in my ways again,
I'm just asking you to stay a couple hours.
I got back to the road where I started
Looking instead of always picking flowers.
Plus the children who turned out fine,
I've got the pieces if you got the time.

And I want you, I don't wanna forget
If you go I'll surely get distracted
And I want you, I don't wanna forget
If you go I'll surely get distracted.
I want you, somebody sweet to talk to,
Somebody sweet to talk to.

And I want you, I don't wanna forget
If you go I'll surely get distracted
And I want you, I don't wanna forget
If you go I'll surely get distracted.
I want you, somebody sweet to talk to,
Somebody sweet to talk to.

- Somebody Sweet To Talk To by She & Him

Wednesday, 28 December 2016

Siaran RRI 27 Des 2016

ilustrasi dipinjam dari sini

gila.

satu kata yang tepat yang bisa menggambarkan
keseluruhan proses dari persiapan hingga eksekusi siaran RRI hari ini.

ceritanya gw dihubungi salah seorang senior gw sekitar satu-dua bulan lalu.
dia meminta gw untuk mengisi jadwal siaran RRI
yang kerja sama dengan almamater gw.
gw sudah melakukan drafting sejak satu bulan lalu,
tapi sebagai procrastinator sejati, gw baru punya bahan fix jam 20
padahal dibilangnya on air jam 21.

mindmap topik + tulisan pensil pertanyaan dari pendengar

bukan, gw bukan bermaksud sombong atau menyepelekan.
tapi kenyataannya pekerjaan gw sekarang sangatlah demanding
sehingga gw ga ada waktu banget untuk mengolah draft yang sudah ada
menjadi bahan final yang baik.
rencana gw di hari pertama libur kerja, yaitu tanggal 24 Des,
gw sudah merampungkan bahan siaran setengah matang yang gw punya.
alhasil, dengan segala kesibukan (dan kegalauan) tidak terprediksi,
gw akhirnya baru bisa menyelesaikan bahan siaran ini di hari yang sama
dengan hari siaran.

terima kasih senior yang memahami betapa kacaunya manajemen waktu gw
sehingga tidak meributkan apapun di hari H selain
"tema ga ada perubahan ya? gw mau sebar nih.
eh materi belum lu kirim ya?"
hahahaha. pardon my incompetence on managing time.

sekitar jam 2045 gw dihubungi Mas Bobi,
operator Ruang Konsultasi, acara RRI yang menjadi tempat siaran
para dosen dan alumni FP UAJ.
gw diberitahu bahwa jam 2115 gw akan dihubungi lagi untuk on air.
pas jam 2115, gw ditelepon dan gw mendengarkan Mas Tomo membuka acara.

status FB senior gw di group FB fakultas.
perasaan sesudah siaran
lega. seriusan lega.
jantung gw lumayan berdebar di jam 20an.
gw berasa persiapan gw kurang matang
dan pengen banget urusan siaran ini segera selesai.
hal paling bagus yang gw pelajari dari pengalaman siaran RRI ini
adalah Mas Tomo, penyiar Ruang Konsultasi,
membuat gw merasa berharga sebagai narasumber.
dia sama sekali tidak menyela atau memotong atau menimpali
ketika gw bicara. bahkan ketika gw berpikir mencari kata,
dia mendiamkan gw sehingga seolah-olah memang gw yang paling tahu.
setiap kali jeda, sebelum dan sesudah informasi selipan,
Mas Tomo selalu memperkenalkan gw kembali ke pendengar.
Mas Tomo juga mengajukan pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang menurut gw
sebenarnya dia sudah tahu tapi dia ajukan ke gw supaya gw menjelaskan.
bagus Mas, saya belajar banyak tentang
cara berbicara dengan narasumber yang baik dan benar.

pengalaman direspon secara live saat siaran
senang! karena pendengar benar-benar mendengarkan gw
dan bertanya sesuai topik.
meski ada beberapa yang tidak bertanya tapi menyampaikan opini
sehingga gw bingung harus merespon apa (ya secara opini orang ya,
terserah dia aja gitu kan mau ngomong apa, gw tinggal iya-in),
tapi secara keseluruhan, rasanya senang sekali karena merasa didengarkan.
ini jadi pelajaran juga buat di radio lain yang gw jadi relawannya,
supaya suatu saat ada kalanya rekaman siaran dibuat real time.

daftar respon yang didapat
01. berbuat baik jadi dimusuhin, misalnya laporin orang korupsi,
bagaimana kalau kasusnya demikian? - SMS dari Grobogan
02. kepekaan sosial rasanya sekarang berkurang
- opini via telepon dari Gorontalo
03. ada komponen manusia yang perlu dipenuhi
agar timbul kemauan berbuat baik (misalnya makan, ruang gerak,
persepsi keadilan terhadap tata aturan di masyarakat).
apakah ada komponen lainnya? - telepon dari Jakarta
04. zaman sekarang berbuat baik dianggap modus - SMS dari Riau
05. kadang suka berasa malu kalau berbuat baik - SMS dari ???
06. berbuat baik kadang harus berkorban. bagaimana berbuat baik
kalau tidak mau berkorban - SMS dari ???
07. hidup itu pilihan, mudah rasanya untuk mau pilih berbuat baik atau jahat.
manusia diberi otak dan hati perlu dipakai untuk memilih.
kebanyakan orang terlalu peduli sama orang lain padahal yang penting
orang punya tujuan - opini via telepon dari Situbondo
08. zaman sekarang orang bawaan curiga kalau orang berbuat baik
dan percaya ketika orang tidak berbuat baik - SMS dari Papua
09. apakah berbuat baik ada batasannya? - SMS dari Papua
10. takut berbuat baik karena nanti dianggap munafik - SMS dari NTT

selesai siaran, gw langsung menghubungi senior gw
dan dia ternyata ga mendengarkan siaran gw.
teman yang enggak gw harapkan malah mendengarkan gw.
dia bahkan membuat reportasenya di WA group kami.
which is sadly, because I expect someone was recording me :(



 





thanks a lot Will for typing that much. I feel appreciated.
setelah senior gw menanggapi antusiasme gw di WA,
dia menawarkan gw untuk rekaman lagi beberapa bulan ke depan.
wow yeah, count me in!
thanks for the offering dude!

Sunday, 20 November 2016

Kumpul Bocah

Pertemuan yang tujuannya kurang jelas,
tapi bersama mereka selalu ada pembelajaran baru :)
Kenapa bisa dibilang tujuannya tidak jelas,
karena awalnya tujuan kami berkumpul (gw kira) karena
mau menjenguk atau menghibur salah satu teman kami yang ibunya
baru saja menjalani mastektomi.
Akan tetapi sebagaimana pertemuan yang biasanya terjadi jika
perencanaannya dadakan, begitupun pertemuan kami kali ini.
Kami berkumpul kemudian baru tahu kalau teman yang ingin kami hibur
ternyata tidak bisa ditemui hari ini. Eng. Ing. Eng.

Alhasil kami jadi ganti rencana. Semula maunya kumpul untuk menghibur teman
akhirnya kami berkumpul untuk menghibur diri kami sendiri.
Ya, memang hanya ketawa bodoh dan bercanda tolol yang kerap terjadi
jika kami sudah bertemu satu dengan yang lain.

Menarik, pada kumpul-kumpul kali ini, seorang teman yang biasanya
tidak mau membicarakan kehidupan relasi antar dia dan pasangannya
sedikit banyak sekarang bercerita.
Ia juga sesekali membahas tentang keluarganya yang tampak sempurna
dengan secara implisit menunjukkan sikap negatif terhadap beberapa
anggota keluarga yang ia ceritakan.
Gw senang dengan fakta ini. It feels like I know him more.

Permasalahannya adalah, dengan teman gw itu lebih terbuka
dan dengan dia menceritakan kehidupan personal yang selama ini tidak
pernah gw dengar, gw menjadi sadar bahwa gw memang dalam kekacauan.
Beberapa kali gw dibilangin sama teman gw,
"Segala hal itu mungkin terjadi, Stel"
"Orang itu macam-macam, Stel"
"Enggak semua orang gitu, buktinya blablabla ..."
dan ajaibnya, percakapan biasa aja yang disampaikan teman gw itu
membawa gw ke sebuah pembelajaran baru tentang diri gw:
Gw masih belum berhasil mengatasi ekspektasi idealis naif tolol
yang pada akhirnya hanya memberikan keputusasaan tidak perlu.
Dulu gw pernah mendapat umpan balik dari salah seorang dosen
yang cukup mengenal bagaimana gw berperilaku di konteks kegiatan mahasiswa.
Beliau pernah mengingatkan gw untuk menjadi pribadi yang adaptif.
Well, pengalaman berkumpul dengan bocah-bocah ini membuat gw kembali
memutar ulang umpan balik yang dulu pernah gw dapatkan.
Tampaknya gw masih belum banyak belajar dan berubah dari masukkan tersebut.

Gw cukup sedih dan prihatin dengan diri gw sendiri ketika menuliskan hal ini.
Gw sadar betul betapa masih kurang dewasanya gw.
Meski demikian gw tahu para bocah ini akan selalu menerima gw apa adanya.
Sebuah fakta menyenangkan yang juga sekaligus menjadi petaka
karena keberadaan mereka menjadi zona nyaman gw untuk tidak berubah.
Thank you guys, for being there.
Please stay still so that I know
I will always have people who accept me for whoever I am.

Thursday, 17 November 2016

Everybody Hurts, So Do I

Beautiful illustration taken from here.
Yeah, I am such a problematic person.
Your concern has wakening myself up.
Yesterday I met my senior, a psychologist and a lecturer in our alma mater.
I was naively thought our meeting agenda will only about discussion over
my topic for RRI (Radio of Republic Indonesia) broadcasting.
Unfortunately it turns out to be psychology counseling he mischievously slipped in
between our conversation.

Without my consent, he told me everything he thinks he knows about me.
He said I am such a thinking person with lack of affection awareness.
That's why I have difficulty to be emotionally attached
with every human being outside myself.
That's why I tend to ridicule emotion, which is felt by me or other person.
That's why I don't trust people easily.

He said I have such a thick defense mechanism, using rationalization and intellectualization.
That's why I become such an overthink person.
That's why I am not able to affect well, unlike majority human beings.
That's why I don't buy any damn things he said.

I was shocked yet interested by his analysis about me.
What he said is everything I don't believe.
It is hard for me to believe I am such a very broken person.

He suggested me to seek for professional help.
I said there is no urgency for it, but that's the moment he become effing annoying.

"That's tend to be the symptoms of personality disorder, Stel.
You think you don't need any help, but your surrounding complains a lot."
I have a lot of interpersonal conflicts with others.
My mother, my father, some of my friends, my co-workers, and still counting.
At first I thought it is common, since I naively rest the case to miscommunication.
But as I ruminate what he said and how he shows his concern on me consistently,
I re-evaluate his inconvenient judgement about me.

No I think I need a help from psychologist.
Thanks for the wake up call, Wid.
You are sucks.

Wednesday, 5 October 2016

First Meeting on A New Place

the whole team.
sixteen hearts who are struggling everyday
to deliver small good things in Jakarta.

Pak Ir has never failed me.
few years ago in a dissemination of research results
which was held by Center of Societal Development of my alma mater,
I realized how mesmerizing his talks could affect the audience.
Pak Ir at that time talked about the youngest Nobel winner,
Malala Yousafzai. The way he put emotions into what he said
is totally amazing.
It is hard for you not to agree with whatever Pak Ir's stance.

The same experience was happened today.
I lied to my current boss, saying I was sick so that I could
join the first meeting of my-soon-to-be workplace.
I decided to quit my current job in a social market consultant
as soon as I saw the opportunity to be the program manager of
this my-soon-to-be workplace.

I was so eager to join this very first meeting, because
1. I want to hear what Pak Ir going to say. His talks tend to be captivating.
2. I want to know who are there I am going to work with.
will they be as cool as Kanya? will they be boring? will they be weird?

no expectation. I was just being there to listen.

the fact is, the things Pak Ir said has successfully made me anxious
yet excited to begin my new journey in a local NGO with private donors.
I believe the nature of this organization will be totally different from,
let say, Kal*anamitra or K*pal Perempuan, since this organization
is really independent. no grant, no "customïzed" concerns.

I took a note of some Pak Ir's insightful talks.
"Dunia ini enggak adil. Ada orang yang setiap hari tidur seperti di hotel, ada orang yang seumur hidup boro-boro bisa sehari tidur di hotel. Itu fakta yang harus kita terima. Oleh karena alasan itu juga, kita berguna untuk membuat kesempatan agar semua orang bisa punya kesempatan tidur di hotel. Tapi bukan berarti kita mengambil pahitnya hidup dari anak itu. Kalau pahitnya hidup anak itu kita ambil, kita juga mengambil kesempatan tidur di hotel dari anak itu."

"Begitu seorang anak masuk ke sebuah institusi, angkanya jadi 2 banding 1. Pengeluarannya 2 untuk institusi, 1 untuk anak."

"Hidup kita sehari 24 jam, kalau kita mau menolong orang dan sudah tidak sanggup, yang bisa dilakukan adalah menambah orang. Bukan overstretch diri kita."

I just hope I can bear whatever coming towards me in the future.
sometimes I think I am crazy to create such a difficulties for myself
by letting myself join this kind of social organization >.<

PS:
things I have to learn hard
1. Know which responsibilities should I take and which one I have to delegate.
2. Beware of the savior-syndrome of a social worker.

Tuesday, 4 October 2016

Grow Old with You

this cute image taken from here

I wanna make you smile when you're feeling sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you

I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it would be so nice, growing old with you

I'll miss you
I'll kiss you
Give you my coat when you're feeling cold

I'll need you
I'll feed you
Even let you hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink
Oh all I wanna do is grow old with you
I wanna grow old with you
I wanna grow old with you

- Icarus Account
it is raining cats and dogs outside.
I am having a headache and my stomach is rumbling.
I listen to Spotify and this lovely song brighten up my day instantly.

"letting you hold the remote control"
it's a simple compromise, actually,
and I tend to let my mom to be the master of the TV.
but listening to this song makes me unable to get over this darling behavior.

#ithinkilovemymommorethanirealize

Saturday, 17 September 2016

Not Another Taken for Granted

I was amazed at how inconsiderate you can be, Sir.

yeah, I know I tend to care too much for other people
but just because I can do it to anyone,
please don't take my attention for granted.
I do what I've done consciously, as always,
and I am also fully aware to know
you are not worth my energy anymore.

at some points of my life, I have this thought
"why people have to tell others about their sickness?".
I am not that attention-seeker type of person
so that I was wonder why there are such people who
love to tell the world they are sick.
one day I realize, there is this kind of need within a person to be asked
"are you sick? where are you know? do you need anything?".
those kind of questions are enough to make some people feel loved.

that's why I asked this effing ignorance person,
though I try hard to make the question,
whether he be okay if he is loitering
while he is not totally recover from his so-called illness.

I was trying to imply I was worried.
again, when I know he doesn't care with his own health,
I won't give a damn anyway.

I was once being taken for granted
and that kind of experience has become a lesson for me.
I won't let this kind of typical jerk do the same thing to me.
not again. thank you.

I love thick eyebrows
nevertheless
I am sick with your highbrow.

Friday, 2 September 2016

Turns Into Memory

I will never be able to feel her hugs and kisses
or see her big smiles anymore.
but now she will stay in my mind,
only sweet memories of her that last.

Early this morning, the telephone at my home rang several times. I didn't pick it up. Somehow I know it rang for something urgent. Then, my phone rang, I saw my auntie's name and I decided not to answer it.

When my mom got home, she talked on the phone and the next thing I know she was crying. Big sister of my grandpa passed away this morning.

She was 90++ years old. I started to know her well two years ago, when it becomes a new habit in my family to visit my grandparents every holiday.

My grandpa has 4 siblings: one big sis, two little sisters, and one little brother. One of the little sisters have been gone for years. She passed away before I was able know her well.

Now, the loss of the big sis, might cause my grandpa and his siblings get scarier to face the unavoided life truth: everybody is going to die.

I know my grandpa's big sis as a warm person. She was the only relative who hug me so tight. She used to give me the longest kiss I have ever known. She is warm, that's the very first thing I know about her.

The more I know about her, the more I like her. She is the one who makes me proud of my big fam. At least I have one relative who is aging successfully. Seeing what she has done with her life makes me optimist and brave to face my own process of aging.

She lives her life passionately, totally different with the other siblings. She knows well what she wants. She makes a lot of plans, going everywhere freely with 'becak' as if she was young. She has problems with her feet but it is never be the reason for her to stop doing what she loves to do.

There are things she enjoys so much: hangout with groceries sellers in the traditional market, cooking delicious dishes, and trying to do things she has never done before (like making axe!).

Little her children know about the qualities of their mother. They have developed the stereotypes and judgements because of the difficulties their mom occasionaly made. I can understand, anyway, mom of other tend to be cooler than our own. That's because we know our mom too much until her coolness seems faded.

She was known for being stubborn, hard to deal with, and negative thinking kind of person. Those judgements make it hard for her children to see goodness in their mom personality while on the hand, she is the best old-old adults in my big family.

She used to consistently tell me these two core values of her life
1. We born naked and so when we die. Enjoy your life to the fullest, we don't use the money anymore as we die.

2. If there is someone out there can do certain kind of thing, then I can also do it. ("Kalau kowe bisa, inyong juga pasti bisa")

I cannot like her less. She is extraordinarily cool for people on her age.

And now she has moved from the world, peacefully. I am so glad to know she died in her sleep, the only way to die she always wish for.

I will never meet her during any holidays.
Now I can only meet her in daydreams and memories.

See you later Opo Tjing.
Stay awesome up there! :')

Thursday, 1 September 2016

Tidak Tahu


Begitu pun aku
yang baru mengetahui
sosok ideal dambaan
setelah diawali sebuah jumpa.

Ibarat pelangi berterimakasih
pada hujan yang menjadikannya ada,
begitu pun aku berterimakasih
padamu yang menjadikan imajinasiku nyata.

Tuesday, 30 August 2016

Ojek di Pagi Hari

masker berplastik yang tidak ramah lingkungan
namun ramah sebagai bahan pembuka percakapan.

Cerita ini diawali dengan kalimat penasaran gw:
"Mas, ini (masker wajah dan rambut) dibungkusin satu-satu gini tuh inisiatif sendiri atau udah jadi begini sih?"

"Sendiri lah Mba"

"Seriusan banget Mas?"

"Iya, Mba, kerajinan ya? Gak apa-apa deh biar beda."
Sebenarnya dalam hati gw pengemudi ojek ini buang-buang plastik ga perlu. Tapi gw ga lagi bersemangat untuk berargumen jadi gw iya-in aja omongan dia.

Selang enggak berapa lama, gw akhirnya ngobrol sama pengemudi ini. Sebenarnya obrolan kami sederhana, gw bertanya-tanya tentang alasan dia memilih brand ojek yang satu dibanding yang lain, gw juga menanyakan hal apa yang membuat dia bertahan di brand tersebut.

Seingat gw, terakhir gw ingin tahu tentang dunia ojek online adalah di masa awal kemunculan ojek online. Sekarang gw jadi ingin tahu apakah ada perubahan persepsi dari para pengemudinya.

Pengemudi ini baik dalam membuat percakapan. Meski beberapa responnya tidak sesuai dengan pertanyaan yang gw ajukan, tapi dia berhasil membuat gw mengabaikan handphone yang biasanya jauh lebih menarik dari apapun di sekitar gw.

"Saya belum pernah lihat Mas, ada pengemudi motor yang sekaligus terdaftar di berbagai brand ojek online. Beda gitu sama pengemudi mobil."

"Ya iyalah Mba. Sederhananya ya, Mba kalau pedekate terus cowoknya ada banyak, bisa fokus ga? Driver juga gitu. Bisa sih kedaftar di sana sini, tapi entar ga fokus Mba."

Obrolan kami berkembang, dari sekedar membahas profesi pengemudi; pengalaman masa lalu si pengemudi menjadi panitia 17-an untuk para veteran di Tugu Proklamasi; sampai akhirnya pembicaraan tentang keluarga, analisis diri, dan ditutup dengan wejangan tentang jodoh.

"Jadi apa Mas, bedanya anak cewek sama cowok?"
"Beda pembawaannya Mba, jadi kalau sama anak cowok tuh dilihatin aja, dipelototin mereka bisa langsung paham. Anak cewek harus pelan-pelan diberitahu, ga bisa pakai nada tinggi-tinggi."

"Oh jadi anak cewek bikin Mas belajar sesuatu yang baru?"

"Iya Mba, ini anak 3 cowok beda-beda. Anak cewek, beda lagi. Kalau ada yang bandel, nanti ada yang jadi alimnya. Good guy bad guy gitu Mba. Kayak Mba deh, Mba kan tomboy gitu, punya pendirian, nah saudara Mba pasti ga gitu."

"Oh jadi Mas lagi analisis saya?"

"Lah kan Mba konsultan, kerjaan analisis, bisa aja Mba lagi analisis saya juga. Mba ga bilang enggak, berarti benar."

"Kalau di rumah nurut semua ya jadi bosan toh Mas."

"Mba juga kritis."

"Tahu dari mana Mas?"

"Mba minta masker sebelum ditawarin, cara bicara Mba, itu kan menunjukkan sesuatu Mba. Ini belum termasuk tatapan mata loh."

"Ini saya yang gampang dianalisis atau Mas yang udah kelamaan hidup ya?"

"Anjir! Berasa saya hidup dari jaman fosil batu gitu Mba?"

"Hahahaha"

"Saya suka bikin orang ketawa, tapi bukan karena ngejek atau merendahkan orang lain gitu."

"Nanti di depan belok ya Mas."

"Orang kalau enggak married-married itu biasanya karena kebanyakan milih Mba."

"Belok situ aja Mas, lebih dekat.
"


Gw menuliskan catatan terima kasih dalam aplikasi ojek online untuk si Mas pengemudi ojek yang gw tumpangi tadi pagi.
  1. Karena dia membuat gw sadar kalau laki-laki dewasa usia 30-an mudah dalam melakukan analisis terhadap orang lain, terlepas apapun latar belakang pendidikan dan profesinya.
  2. Karena dia membuat gw sadar kalau kemampuan "membaca" orang itu bukan kemampuan eksklusif para lulusan fakultas psikologi.
  3. Karena dia membuat gw sadar kalau kepemilikan anak membuat tingkat kedewasaan dalam diri seseorang melonjak.
Terima kasih ya Mas.
Besok-besok kalau ada orang yang bisa mengenali diri saya dengan cepat, saya tidak akan terkejut.
Kemampuan untuk bisa dengan cepat mengenal seseorang itu ternyata hal yang wajar seiring bertambah banyaknya usia seseorang.

Banyak rejeki ya Mas!

Thursday, 18 August 2016

Si Peneliti dalam Penyamaran

"Stella?"
"Hm?"
"Kamu itu tahu banyak hal, dewasa, dan kritis. Saya tidak menyangka usiamu segitu."
"Gimana kamu tahu aku kayak gitu? Kita kan ga banyak interaksi."
"Saya hadir dalam rapat. Saya mengamati. Kamu tampak cuek, hanya sekilas melihat saya."
"Itu ga menunjukkan apa-apa deh kayaknya."
"Kamu tahu pepatah hanya jenius mengenal jenius? Cuma orang yang sering mengolah emas yang bisa dengan mudah menemukan emas diantara bebatuan."

Kutipan percakapan saat #RI71 (17/8/16)

Gw kaget. Sungguh gw kaget.
Baru kali ini dalam hidup gw, ada orang yang mengatakan secara sekaligus kalau gw punya
1. pengetahuan,
2. kedewasaan, dan
3. kekritisan.

Gw terkadang ketawa geli kalau dengar ada penilaian dari orang lain tentang diri gw seperti itu. Ketawa karena gw ga percaya gw bisa dinilai demikian sama orang lain. Well, tapi tenang ya, cuma sedikit orang kok yang bilang gw orangnya seperti tiga poin di atas. Hahaha.

Beberapa orang yang cukup mengenal gw biasanya bilang gw kritis. Iya, gw bawel dan banyak nanya ketika gw dalam suasana hati yang baik. Jarang banget ada yang bilang pengetahuan gw banyak. Kembali lagi karena gw banyak nanya dan biasa pertanyaan gw enggak penting. Hampir ga pernah ada yang bilang gw dewasa. Yeah, gw tumbuh besar dalam keluarga yang sangat memberikan rasa aman dan nyaman sehingga gw jauh dari kata dewasa.

Uniknya, ada satu orang ini yang bisa memberikan ketiga penilaian tersebut sekaligus ke gw padahal kami kenal kurang dari satu minggu. Seketika itu juga gw bisa merasakan bahwa dia bukan orang pada umumnya.


Pertemuan kami berawal dari sebuah rapat di hari Sabtu, hari manusia umumnya berubah jadi mayat di atas tempat tidur. Saat itu gw sangat enggan untuk hadir karena gw tahu akan ada peliputan. Gw ga suka publisitas. Satu-satunya alasan kenapa akhirnya gw hadir adalah gw tahu cuma sedikit orang yang datang rapat.

Singkat cerita, kehadiran gw dalam rapat membuat gw bisa keambil untuk jadi salah satu narasumber. Entah apa yang menjadi pertimbangan pemilihan narasumber waktu itu, mungkin wartawan itu butuh narasumber yang bisa kasih respon sesuka-sukanya.

Gw ditanya-tanya pertanyaan standar seperti
gimana cara dulu bisa bergabung menjadi sukarelawan,
apa kegiatan sehari-hari,
kenapa mau buang waktu ga dibayar,
dan sebagainya.

Gw jawab semuanya apa adanya dan terakhir wartawan tersebut meminta nomor kontak gw, jaga-jaga jika dibutuhkan data tambahan.

Besoknya, wartawan itu menanyakan apakah gw datang ke studio rekaman dan karena gw ga lagi di sana, dia menanyakan jadwal rekaman gw. Menurut gw, pertanyaannya ini ga relevan dengan kebutuhan liputan, tapi gw menanggapi karena gw ga tahu juga data apa saja yang dibutuhkan seorang wartawan untuk bisa menghasilkan sebuah liputan yang baik.

Besoknya lagi, wartawan itu kembali mengontak. Kali ini meminta data diri gw:
nama lengkap,
usia,
pekerjaan,
pendidikan,
hobi, dll.

Ga cuma itu, dia juga minta dokumentasi kegiatan. Berhubung gw ga punya banyak, maka gw cari-cari dulu. Gw berusaha supaya liputan yang nanti dihasilkan enggak buruk karena gw tahu majalah tempat wartawan ini mengabdi adalah majalah non-populer yang gw sendiri malas baca.

Besoknya lagi, gw kirim foto-foto yang berhasil gw kumpulkan. Foto-foto yang gw kirim adalah foto orang lain dan foto yang ada gw-nya adalah foto yang beramai-ramai dengan sukarelawan lain. Gw ditanya kenapa foto gw kecil dan gw kembali berpikir "apakah pertanyaan ini relevan dengan kebutuhan liputan?".

Ga lama setelah gw bertanya-tanya dalam hati, wartawan itu menelepon gw.

Gw agak kaget ditelepon, karena
1. Enggak cukup ya diketik aja di WhatsApp?
2. Apa lagi yang dibutuhin sampai perlu nelepon?
3. Genting banget ya kebutuhannya sampai nelepon?

Iya, gw suka mikir berlebihan kalau ditelepon orang, karena
1. Ga umum untuk manusia milenial berkegiatan telepon-teleponan.
2. Gw nyaman dengan mengetik daripada ngomong di telepon yang memaksa orang untuk memberi respon langsung.
3. Selama ini orang telepon gw karena urusan genting aja.

Ga cuma kaget karena ditelepon, gw kaget karena wartawan ini tahu gw lagi dalam perjalanan pulang ke rumah, latar belakang gw berisik, dan dia enggak peduli. Dia bilang dia nelepon untuk menemani perjalanan pulang gw. Seumur hidup gw, baru kali ini gw nanggepin telepon orang di jalan, ketika gw tidak sedang berkendaraan pribadi.

Awalnya gw pikir data wawancara gw waktu itu masih kurang, tapi lama-lama pertanyaan dan pembahasan yang disampaikan wartawan ini semakin jauh dari kepentingan liputan. Gw berpikir, apa yang sedang dilakukan wartawan ini.

Satu jam berlalu tanpa terasa, gw yang awalnya penuh kebingungan dengan telepon dadakan yang terjadi, pelan-pelan memahami bahwa wartawan ini punya tujuan lain dengan mengontak gw melalui telepon. Gw senang dengan percakapan yang terjadi. Wartawan ini berhasil membuat gw mau menanggapi segala omongannya bahkan membuat gw mau berusaha untuk berdiskusi sampai berdebat tentang perbedaan "memberikan waktu" dengan "memberikan perhatian".

Hari besoknya kita bicara lebih lama daripada hari kemarin. Gw ga bisa bohong, gw senang. Sebegitu senangnya gw dengan percakapan kita hingga gw memutuskan untuk menuliskan pengalaman ini di sini. Hanya beberapa orang yang bisa membuat gw mau bercakap-cakap dalam waktu panjang tanpa gw merasa bosan. Ya, gw memang bawel dan bisa bahas apapun ke dalam obrolan dengan siapapun, tapi itu bukan berarti gw ga merasa bosan.

Gw bisa bosan dan tetap melanjutkan obrolan karena gw menghargai orang yang butuh ngomong sama gw.

Pengecualian terjadi ketika gw ngobrol berjam-jam bersama wartawan satu ini. Entah bagaimana caranya dia dengan segala pengetahuan dan kemampuan berpikir abstraknya, gw merasa senang berbincang bersama dia. Gw terbiasa berdiskusi sejak kuliah. Akan tetapi, teman-teman diskusi yang biasa membuat kelas gw menjadi menarik, entah di mana keberadaannya sekarang. Gw sangat merindukan momen gw mengalami mindgasm itu dan gw rasa gw cukup merasakannya ketika gw berbicara dengan "Kakak" wartawan ini.

Gw merasa bersalah dengan pulsa yang dia habiskan untuk menelepon gw. Well, tapi sebagaimana yang dia katakan, gw tidak punya hak apapun untuk mengatur bagaimana cara dia menghabiskan pulsa. Okay then, kalau begitu, terima kasih ya "Kak" wartawan, karena sudah memberikan pengalaman bercakap-cakap yang gw rindukan.

Iya, Bahasa Indonesia kamu yang paling benar.
Iya, semua batu di kampung halamanmu beragama Katolik.
Iya, tulisan kamu bagus.
Iya, iya, iya, untuk semua hal yang kamu banggakan.

Gimana, pengakuan di atas sudah cukup memenuhi kebutuhanmu, "Kak"? Hahaha.
Yup, aku satir, sama kayak kamu.
Biasakan dengan hal itu ya.

kutipan ditemukan dari sini



28/8/16 11:49

Kebebasan gw untuk menulis
pengalaman berkenalan dengan wartawan
sudah direnggut, meski gw menulis di blog gw sendiri.

Tapi, gw tidak keberatan.
Gw punya tempat lain untuk memuntahkan luapan perasaan gw.

Tuesday, 16 August 2016

Iman Itu Keyakinan

Bicara tentang iman berkaitan kuat dengan perbincangan tentang agama.
Menurut gw, tidak demikian.

Iman itu keyakinan dan ketika bicara tentang keyakinan,
tentu pembahasannya bisa sangat luas.
Bahasan semacam "kamu yakin ga lapar?",
kemudian "kamu yakin manusia itu lahir dengan sepuluh jari?",
sampai ke "kamu yakin ga kalau Tuhan itu ada?"
adalah sebagian kecil dari keseluruhan bahan pertanyaan
yang bisa diajukan untuk menanyakan keyakinan seseorang terhadap suatu hal.

Manusia itu pada dasarnya makluk empiris,
apa-apa mesti berdasarkan pengalaman, data, atau informasi yang konkret.
Pertanyaan "kamu yakin ga lapar?"
akan lebih mudah dijawab kalau kondisi perut seseorang
sungguh sedang keroncongan dibanding ketika kondisi perut
sudah diisi makanan 2 jam sebelum pertanyaan tersebut muncul.
Pertanyaan "kamu yakin manusia lahir dengan sepuluh jari?"
akan mudah dijawab kalau orang tersebut
pernah melihat janin memiliki sepuluh jari.
Itulah sebabnya pertanyaan yang sifatnya abstrak seperti
"kamu yakin ga kalau Tuhan itu ada?"
senantiasa selalu menjadi perdebatan karena
setiap orang punya pengalaman empiris yang berbeda
dengan figur Tuhan. yang intangible.

Mereka yang tidak pernah merasa punya pengalaman bertemu Tuhan,
akan meyakini bahwa Tuhan itu tidak ada. Begitu pun sebaliknya.
Tidak mengherankan ada perbedaan keyakinan akan Tuhan versi masing-masing orang
karena pengalaman manusia dengan Tuhan adalah pengalaman unik dan personal.

Sifat pertanyaan "kamu yakin ga kalau Tuhan itu ada?"
sebenarnya secara esensi serupa dengan pertanyaan "kamu yakin ga lapar?".
Jawaban dari kedua pertanyaan itu sangatlah bergantung
dari kondisi si penjawab dan si penanya hanya akan bisa menerima jawaban
tanpa bisa maksa.
Tidak masuk akal jika ada orang yang beranggapan,
"orang seharusnya beragama Kristen karena yakin Tuhan itu maha baik".
Keberadaan agama dan keyakinan tidak selalu bersamaan dalam diri seseorang.


Jika seseorang tidak yakin, mustahil orang tersebut bisa engage
dalam suatu ritual keagamaannya.
Sederhananya, mereka yang yakin bahwa batu di sungai membawa keselamatan,
ya tentu yang akan mereka lakukan adalah memuja dan menyembah batu tersebut.
Karena itu yang mereka yakini, itu adalah iman mereka.
Begitu pun juga dengan mereka yang yakin bahwa agamanya membawa keselamatan.
Mereka akan melakukan hal-hal yang merupakan ajaran dari agamanya.
Kembali lagi karena itu yang mereka yakini, itu yang mereka imani.

Jadi bingung kan agama itu buat apa. Beneran candu doang ya sepertinya.
Tapi balik lagi ke urusan iman sih,
seberapa seseorang yakin agama itu candu dan bukan sarana menuju keselamatan.

Ya ya, keyakinan memang pada hakikatnya mustahil untuk dipaksakan.

you can lead a donkey to a river
but can't make him drink the water  -Haitian proverb



28/8/16 11:39 AM

Ulil mengatakan dengan sederhana, tiga inti iman di sini

Pertama, keyakinan yang mendalam, yang berasal dari hati dan tanpa syarat.
Kedua, ucapan saja tidak cukup, hanya sebatas simbolis.
Ketiga, iman yang dibuktikan dengan tindakan.

Nicely said, Om!

Monday, 15 August 2016

Just Be You, Whatever It Takes

"I believe you've changed."

"How could you imply such a thing?"

"We are alike but hurts turn you to be like this. You just say it you don't care but your heart still can't ignore."
Me talking with her on one of our fine day.

My latest favorite human, Kanya, is a very unique one.
She laughs so much, even when she is sad she could laugh.
She is rarely mad and she has the joy I've never seen anyone has it.
Well, maybe I know someone who has the same positive vibe like her,
but unluckily she has died.

I find we share lots of same idealism, values, and insights.
We often notice the same things from a moment
which no one doesn't really care.
We talk much about many similar interest
and I like the way she understand well my points when we discuss
certain abstract things.

In conclusion, I can feel that we are alike so much
but her behavior shows she has changed a lot.

I asked her why and what makes her turns into such an ignorant.
At first she denied but then reluctantly, she answered my question.
"Is it because of your latest ex? The quote boy?"
"Yup. How I do really hate quotes now."

Knowing this kind of ugly truth, hurts me bad.
It is effing sucks when you know hurts change people dramatically.
I wish you can have your old self back, Kanya.
I don't know her, but I believe she is more alive than you are now.

a strong self-reminder
borrowed from here.

P.S: this conversation makes me remember another broken person.
I tried to fix him, but in the end it was only me who got a lot of bruises.
anyway, my dearest brother told me
"it only costs you twice if hurts change the real you.
you are not only lose the one you trust so much,
but yourself also."

Sunday, 14 August 2016

The Random Meet Up



It only takes one sentimental tweet and we are back in touch.
Your emotional tweet enchants me to reply it as soon as I read it.
Interestingly, my spontaneity fits well with your random meet up invitation.

I don't know what makes you interested in our meeting,
but for me, I always eager to know the life of a market research guy.
To be a research consultant in big MR company was my dream.

It was fun, I was happy meeting you, though you came late.
You are lucky Pokemon Go has trained me well to be more patient than ever.

You said you wanted to know about what I was doing with my life,
esp. about the social marketing stuff.
Unexpectedly, I was the one who asked so many questions
until it feels like I am the interviewer and you are the hired respondent.
In my opinion, you are not a good respondent.
In spite of the fact you are good at sharing, but you are bad at explaining your thought and opinion.

The way you promoted your beloved MR company, really convincing.
It feels like I'd like to chase back my old dream.
The MR company becomes more and more interesting
because it is able to retain you, esp. when I know you are an INFP person which is usually
1. An idealist.
2. Hold on to your idealism tightly.
3. Know well what you want.
4. Have a good sense of right and wrong things to do.
5. Hard to be compromise with #4.

This MR company supposed to have something ideal to an extent it can bind you for 2 years.

Due to my past internship experience, I was unsatisfied with MR.
I feel bad when I know MR world can be tricky and deceitful.
The disappointment led me to pursue another career path in research
that I thought was good enough in accommodating my idealism.

People said seeing is believing.
I think I've seen enough about MR but it is not.

Of course your offering sounds extremely captivating,
but I wonder what is it that makes you so confident to ask me to join.
Do I have such a potential?

Anyway, I am still working on my community building project.
I believe as soon as I finish my current project, I will try my luck.

I hope when the time comes, you are still working there.
(so that we can be the sentimental duo? Hahaha)

Wednesday, 27 July 2016

Hands to Hold

perfect illustration about little girl lost in the forest,
borrowed from here.

"Lu mau melakukan tapi lu butuh orang lain aja." - Mariana

her words hit me hard.
knowing this new person makes me realize, I am not what I thought before.
I thought I was brave,
independent, carefree, and self-reliant.

but eventually, I am not.
I think I might die easily if I have to rely on myself.
well, I wish for any hands
I can hold onto until death parts me.

Tuesday, 26 July 2016

Beyond A Dream

taken from my college friend's Facebook.
I saw that post this morning.
as I read the caption,
I can feel how happy she is.
I can feel how her partner tries his best
to make her the happiest person on Earth.
I can feel how her dream is a dream a girl supposed to have.

a slight envious feeling slip in my heart.
and then I realized,
why should I envy her?
I don't even once have such a dream.

at that very moment I thought more about dreams as a wish to come true.
what my friend experienced is something she wished for a long time
and then it become real, at the perfect time.
she said it well to her partner what she wants
and where she wants the proposal to be happened.

she knows what she wants and that is what she gets.
it sounds really fair huh?

on the other hand, I think about people who don't have clear picture
about their own future. I think about me.

I have never dreamed about anything related with marriage.
well, yeah, when I was on my junior high school
I was heavily influenced by Meg Cabot's Princess Diaries.
Michael Moscovitz is my dream boy.
I enjoyed to dream myself owning a guy like MM.
that geek, caring, calm, unpredictable,
and always there when Mia needs him.

never once I dreamed about wedding gown, proposal,
and those stuffs which every other girls
supposed to dream about in their teenage.
when it comes to marriage, my imagination is about
the personality of my future partner
and things we are going to do together
that's it. no more no less.

then I think again.
is it possible for those who never dream about something in particular,
get something particularly?
if someone never dream about something,
does s/he deserve something that everyone dream about?

I never dream about a fancy proposal
or a glamorous wedding,
does that mean I cannot own one?
is there any possibility for me to have one?

well, in the end I believe,
He always gives us what we need. the best one.
though sometimes, parents don't really know what is the best for their kids,
before the kids ask about it first.

I think I really need to know what I want.

Saturday, 16 July 2016

Penerimaan Diri


misi merengkuh ketidaksempurnaan diri sendiri.

ketika gw bersama kakak gw,
ga jarang gw kena tegur karena
melakukan suatu kebodohan dan marah2 sendiri.
kejadian terbaru adalah gw lupa
membawa oleh2 yang gw siapkan buat temen gw.
gw marah sama diri sendiri, karena

1. oleh2 ini gw bawa dari Kalimantan.
2. oleh2 ini adalah bubuk kopi dan sudah 2 bulan tertunda penyerahannya ke temen gw.
3. karena temen gw kerja di Bengkulu, artinya oleh2 itu hanya bisa gw berikan ketika dia di Jakarta.
4. teman gw sedang di Jakarta, gw bertemu sama dia, tapi gw lupa bawa oleh2nya.
5. kalau orang lain yang melakukan hal itu, gw akan merasa tu orang melakukan kebodohan yang luar biasa.
6. nah sekarang gw yang melakukan hal tsb.

luar biasa Stella.

tegurannya hari ini cukup mengena
"kenapa sih lu ga berenti marah untuk kebodohan lu sendiri?".

iya, dia jarang peduli sama kehidupan gw.
dia juga jarang pengen tahu gw lagi melakukan apa dengan hidup gw.
dia pun ga pernah berbagi tentang hidup dia ke gw.
tapi sekalinya dia memberi umpan balik
atas bagaimana cara gw bereaksi,
biasanya itu karena apa yang gw lakukan sudah kelewat batas.
setidaknya kelewat batas kewajarannya dia.

gw jadi berpikir,
iya ya kenapa gw suka kesal sendiri akan kebodohan yang gw buat
yang pada akhirnya merugikan diri gw sendiri.
kerugian yang biasanya gw alami adalah

1. gw melakukan kebodohan. gw marah, capek sendiri.
2. kemarahan gw berdampak pada bagaimana gw merespon orang lain dengan nada tinggi. orang lain jadi mengira gw marah sama mereka. gw kena marah karena marah2 ga jelas.
3. atau kalau poin 2 tidak terjadi, orang lain akan merasa gw marah sama mereka sehingga mereka menjauhi gw.
4. capek dengan diri sendiri yang melakukan kebodohan dan orang2 sekitar yang ga paham bahwa gw marah sama diri sendiri, pada akhirnya gw menjadi tidak produktif.
5. termasuk dalam poin 4 adalah tidak makan, tidak mandi, atau tidak gosok gigi di malam hari karena hari tersebut akan gw lalui dengan ketiduran.

berdasarkan pertanyaan menohok yang kakak gw tanyakan tersebut,
gw mau membuat tekad untuk menghentikan
kebiasaan marah terhadap diri sendiri yang melakukan kebodohan.
gw pikir perasaan marah ini terjadi
sebagai akibat dari kecenderungan gw
membuat banyak tuntutan pada diri sendiri.
self-acceptance itu penting untuk dimiliki ya ternyata :')

postingan ini membuat gw jadi teringat kembali dengan doa ini.
Teach me to listen, dear God, even to myself

#lovemybrotherthoughhemightnotlovemethatmuch

Saturday, 18 June 2016

Damned

I am scared
yet happy
yet cautious.

Since I know,
being in love
means being fragile.

And I hate when I have to be vulnerable
when I am in touch with you.

Sunday, 12 June 2016

This New Person

I've gone to this place for some times but no more than 5. I went there for the very first time with my dearest event-goer pal, Donna. She was the one who introduced me to this comfy place.
I was instantly in love with that place from the very first time I stepped in. Though it doesn't really feel like home, but I enjoy the ambience. I tend to spend more than 3 hours sitting, thinking, working, talking, typing, and creating memories there. In conclusion, this place is very engaging and I always end up to have a nice memory once I hang around here.

Besides Donna, I've been there with
1. one of my old friends,
2. my Om used-to-be,
3. myself

...and the latest one with this stranger.

He is not that super interesting.
He is not that good looking.
He is not that cool.
He is a bit clumsy, I supposed.

Surprisingly,
This very ordinary person is able to touch that sentimental part of me. Since I have been not in my best state of being human recently, I try my best to avoid human superficial interaction. I am mentally tired and I need some 'me time' to recharge and regaining my esteem. At the same time, I have to finish a project task that I've procrastinated for a week. I am really messed up. Nevertheless, deep down inside I wish there will be someone besides me, accompany me, be together in that awkward silent with me, and distract myself from my own thought for a while. Yeah, the paradox of being introvertly extrovert person.

I never know this moment will ever happen in my life, a considerate stranger comes to visit me in a familiar coffee shop. It began with a casual daily text, he asked about my plan today and place I was going to go. I told him everything I planned for today and never expect he might drop me a visit.

I find this event is amusing. I feel like I was in one of those K-drama scenes minus that typical cute and bright colored background. I was in front of my laptop, trying my best to finish what-I-have-to-do-though-I-know-it-wont-be-finished-soon when he entered the cafe and walked in. As soon as he came in, I knew it was him. In contrast, he was shocked I identified him easily.

I feel happy and surprised,
glad yet unprepared,
grateful but also panicked.
I was so mixed up.
I believe I was blush heavily in stupid unsophisticated manner.

This is my first experience to meet such a spontaneous guy who kindly insists to meet me in the middle of my 'me time'. I was giving you that I-am-going-to-be-so-busy impression but you tried your luck. I was pleased you came, anyway.

Seeing what you've done makes me start to think what if we spend some more time together. In spite of the fact, you made some non-verbal cues which show you were uncomfortable, I enjoy our conversation. It is more natural and flows smoother if I compare to those moments we talk over the phone.

So, what is your opinion, thoughtful-unique-stranger-who-happens-to-love-hiking-recently?

Friday, 10 June 2016

Another Lesson to Learn

Some parts of myself know that this might to be happened
but I never know this experience become worse
when I know some people
who are successfully get what they want.
At a time like this, I really understand ignorance is a bliss.

When I logged in to my account to check the result,
I don't feel anything.
Maybe that's the sign from my body
 to prepare myself for the worst case.
And that is exactly what happened.

My dear professor asked me
what will I do if I failed.
I answered her confidently,
I am sure I am going to join the last phase of the selection this year.

I was able to answer her confidently
because I don't know how will I feel
and how disappointed I can be when I really have to face it.

Should I give myself the second chance?
Should I give up?
What is the best thing for me right now?

I can't stop thinking, as always, when adversity visits me occasionally.

Thursday, 9 June 2016

Quirk is A Lifestyle

this captivating image was taken from here


I fell in love with visual arts, esp. illustration (and also the illustrator? Ha!)
I always want to have a friend who is really an illustrator or an artist,
well, not to mention I wish to have an illustrator boyfriend.
This silly dream came to me when I was a freshman
and I know this GD person,
a senior who was actively involved in a movie screening community.
(oh geeezzz! he is getting cooler with that personal site!!!)

His artworks really amazed me and they successfully stimulates me
to explore more about artsy stuffs.
I do really love his creations.
At that time, I have never seen
such good digital graphics as those which he made.

I stalk his social media accounts
(HE FOLLOWED MY TWITTER ACCOUNT!)
and the more I know him,
the more I love with his way to see the world.
He has his own way to tell the story behind his drawings.
It is deep and beautiful.


this is his works that I've seen first time
and I instantly fell head over heels.

I have never talked to him though I know we were once being at the same class.
I was too afraid to talk to him since he doesn't have that friendly face.
I think this indirect encounter makes me develop that dream I mentioned above.
From him I learn a lot about the amazing mind of an artist.
The moment I know this GD person
is the moment I am eager to attend events which are highly related
with arts and movies.

It is not a dream once it comes to be true.
I meet this cool girl named Kanya.
I met her in this internship program in a social marketing agency.
She is funny and super authentic, she makes me remember
I was once have a dream to befriended with an illustrator.
She doesn't want to be called graphic designer.
She is calling herself an illustrator.
She is totally cool!

She enjoys drawing in spite of the fact she graduated from
History Department Gajah Mada University.
Her artworks really catch my attention.
Her quirk way to behave makes me like her even more.
I wish we can be a good friend.


I can't wait to see her first drawings for the agency.
I am totally grateful for the rejection for it makes me meet her in peace.
Glad to meet you quirk girl.

I bet she's such a sentimental bitch also.
image taken from here

Wednesday, 25 May 2016

Keberuntungan Seorang Adik

"gw agak curiga, latar belakang psikologi ini membuat gw menarik manusia2 bermasalah."

"..."

"orang pertama, bapaknya pejudi. orang kedua, pernah percobaan bunuh diri. orang ketiga, ortunya ada yang gangguan mental udah ke psikiater. orang keempat, bapaknya pemabuk."

"..."

"kayaknya berikut2nya kalau kenalan, gw mau ngaku aja ah lulusan ekonomi atau sastra. orang jadi ga berharap banyak sama gw. jangan mentang2 orang lulusan psikologi terus jadi bisa menerima dengan mudah orang lain dengan berbagai problematika hidupnya."

"dih kok lw gitu sih."

"iya dong, gw kan males juga kalau orang jadi set expectation sama gw karena latar belakang pendidikan sarjana gw. helo, gw sarjana psikologi doang, bukan psikolog dan ogah jadi psikolog juga."

"bukannya setiap orang punya cerita ya?"

"..."

gw memang sulit paham dengan tingkat empati tertinggi
yang dibawa dari lahir sama my dearest brother.

thanks for the insightful short talk.
yeah, I won't try to hide my educational background
(which somehow makes me believe I am attractive
only for those who are in need of mental assistance).

brother, you are always my bestest yet worst friend ever.

Wednesday, 27 April 2016

Being Real


few days ago, a good friend of mine
share this post on her Facebook page.
it hit me hard since I was on that time
when I hate that sentimental part of myself
which is easily touched over small things.
I have ever told a friend,
"just give me some minor attentions
like asking whether I am hungry and need a meal friend,
or checking if I got bored and wanted to talk or watch movie together.
I might like you, dearly."

as the time goes by, I realize, that's me.
that sentimental whore is me.
that cheesy bitch is me.
that full of feeling person is me.
those traits are mine.

I hate being sentimental because I usually find
it is just me who are so full of feelings.
the fact is not that tragic or appreciative
but I tend to feel more than what it looks like.
it makes me weary somehow,
but I nearly hopeless trying to get rid of this
sentimental side of me. 

today, I saw this Facebook page generator.
it surprises me a little.
I think this generator is quite exaggerated.

the generator is here.

yeah, I can give my concern towards someone's problem
more than the person himself.
yeah, I tend to be disappointed, esp. when it comes to relation.
*embracing the sentimental part of me*
*sigh*