Friday, 30 December 2016

The Last Person in 2016

on the 5th hangout,
I feel like I want to put my head on you.
but something invisible there
which prevents me to do so.
illustration from here.

our last meeting was on 20th Dec
but on 28th it feels we just met yesterday.
I wonder what makes it feels that way.
is it because of your question about my unfulfilled resolution
which leads me to re-read our text thoroughly...?
yeah, I re-read our whole convo from the very begin
and now I feel I am a f up b.

you fill my mind.
you are there everyday, stay peacefully.
since the moment we were apart at that night,
after the sushi night,
after the Kimi No Na Wa,
after the moment we sat next to each other,
after the moment I feel okay to touch your cheek
(and you touch mine too!),
after the moment you offer me you shoulders
(and I don't put mine, lol),
after the moment you put your head next to mine,
after the moment you tell me about your extraordinary hobby
to hug something while watching movie.

I was unable to say it out loud,
"let's not see each other again
since the more I see you, the more I want you.
and I don't want it to happen".
I don't want it because I know this is not what WE want.
we were happy to spend some of our time together.
that's it, no more no less.

I was unable to say it out loud,
"let's not see each other again
since I was never expect this stupid feeling grows,
and I wonder we are supposed to be just a hangout pal".
I don't know what you want by asking to meet me time after time.
I still remember the moment I asked you
"what does it which drive you to meet me?"
and you said it unbelievably
"I think it's been a while since the last time I like particular person".
I don't know what did you mean,
at that time I just laughed and I thought you are random.

on our last meeting you were so witty I was amazed and said
"it feels like I meet you on our very first time hangout".
I was also amazed by the way you change my mind with you were
teasing me by asking if there were anyone who ever gave me flowers.
I don't like flower, I am not that type of girl.
I prefer we plant flowers together rather than anyone gives me a dead plants.
it was my standpoint when you gave me other perspective,
"let's pretend the flower is a symbol of non-eternity.
to remind us we will die one day later".
I laughed. as always, your reasoning ability
makes me feel okay with your different point of view.

I enjoy your presence as much as I enjoy your text.
it seems not mutual, anyway.
it takes like forever for you to text me back
and our written convo will end up by me sending the last message
and you, after one or two days, start a new convo.
it is our ritual and I feel not okay.

it feels awkward and not natural.
it feels like I can't make deeper connection with you.
it feels although we are quite close, but the distance between us
never decreased. I'm frustrated.

on our last meeting, you were asking me to hang out once more.
I smile and didn't give the direct answer you expected to hear.
"see you when I see you" was the statement you said in the end.
no booked date, no promise, no expectation.

on our last meeting, you were asking me if we can call it a date.
again, I smile and didn't give you direct answer.
I asked you back "why we have to call it as a date?
what's the difference with our hangouts and meetings before?
why we should put label on it?".
at that time you just call me as 'too millennial' for not putting any label.
I smile once more and now I put my thought on your question.

I try my best to decide for
what I want, what I look for, what I like from you,
where are we going to, what are we doing?
we've spent so much time and effort for instant happiness
in-between our hectic-demanding job.
and that's what I was looking for. a short sweet escape.
a meaningful convo I can't have with anyone else.
an instant hangout and no promise afterwards.
a random meeting with a random guy to cheer up my day.

those are what I want from you,
before I think deeply about your question,
before I re-read our convo from the very begin.

shall we stop seeing each other
while I always enjoy the moment talking with you?
just because I don't want to wanting you more.
just because I know this is not what I am looking for
at the very first start.
just because I don't feel I like to invest so much feeling on you
right now. it's just not the right time.

there are constraints I am not sure what they really are.
they make me think I am wrong to start the game with you.
I think I am wrong but I keep doing this wrong thing.
I am happy by doing this. you make me happy.
I am such a bad person, aren't I?
but, again, you are the one who makes me realize
there is no such thing as a genuine self-less person in this world.

shall we not see each other again?
because I might fall for you, if we continue our routines.
You keep trying to forget about the good times
Does it make you fall a little better?
I'm not alone, I only pick the flowers
Kind of makes you feel a little worthier.
But the chillin turn out fine
I got the pieces if you got the time.

And I want you, I don't wanna forget
If you go I'll surely get distracted
And I want you, I don't wanna forget
If you go I'll surely get distracted.
I want you, somebody sweet to talk to,
Somebody sweet to talk to.


I don't wanna get stuck in my ways again,
I'm just asking you to stay a couple hours.
I got back to the road where I started
Looking instead of always picking flowers.
Plus the children who turned out fine,
I've got the pieces if you got the time.

And I want you, I don't wanna forget
If you go I'll surely get distracted
And I want you, I don't wanna forget
If you go I'll surely get distracted.
I want you, somebody sweet to talk to,
Somebody sweet to talk to.

And I want you, I don't wanna forget
If you go I'll surely get distracted
And I want you, I don't wanna forget
If you go I'll surely get distracted.
I want you, somebody sweet to talk to,
Somebody sweet to talk to.

- Somebody Sweet To Talk To by She & Him