Tuesday, 27 June 2017

(Semoga) Menjadi yang Terakhir


rebahan dambaan.
ilustrasi apik ini dari sini.

semua berawal dari kongkow DH terakhir.
salah seorang teman bercerita dia akan segera melepas status jomblo.
antara terkejut dan tidak, sebuah ketakutan menjadi
"the one who left behind", tiba-tiba muncul.

perasaan takut itu membuat gw cukup galau beberapa hari.
perasaan tidak tenteram menghantui gw yang gw sendiri ga tahu
apa penyebab utamanya. berita dari teman gw itu hanya menjadi stimulus,
gw percaya masih ada root cause dari ketidaktenteraman jiwa
yang gw alami.

ada kalanya gw merasa sangat ingin reach out to someone,
tapi rasanya sangat sulit menemukan that one figure I trust enough
untuk bisa mengembalikan ketentraman jiwa gw.
gw berpikir, mencari figur itu di daftar kontak gw, nihil.

galau. sendirian. gw berpikir keras gimana cara menghilangkannya.
sebuah pengalaman tidak menyenangkan.

gw menduga-duga, ada beberapa penyebab gw merasa takut tertinggal.

  • baru-baru ini gw menyadari ada yang berbeda dengan tahap perkembangan psikologis gw, dibandingkan dengan teman-teman seusia gw yang lain.
  • di usia yang sama dengan gw, teman di sekitar gw sudah punya gambaran yang jelas tentang kehamilan, pernikahan, pertunangan, kepemilikan rumah, pendidikan lanjut, dan jenjang karir yang ajeg.
  • gw yang tahun lalu baru mengalami ketidakberhasilan pengajuan beasiswa untuk S2, seperti kehilangan arah. gw enggak tahu kapan mau coba lagi untuk ambil S2, aspirasi karir pun jadi turut kabur.
  • pertanyaan sederhana yang bahkan ditanyakan dua kali di tahun yang berbeda oleh seorang teman yang sama, "kapan mau married, Stell?", sampai sekarang masih belum bisa gw jawab.
intinya, gw mengalami krisis keyakinan bahwa gw berkembang dengan wajar
selayaknya manusia sebaya gw yang lainnya.
pelepasan bayi kura-kura ke lautan menjadi ilustrasi yang sangat menggambarkan
apa yang gw rasakan saat ini.
menjadi bayi kura-kura yang paling belakang, rawan dimangsa musuh terlebih dahulu,
begitu juga dengan bayi kura-kura yang paling depan.
ya kan?

laut jadi tujuan, meski tanpa tuan di depan.
ilustrasi apik dari sini.

bukan kebetulan, di saat-saat galau gini di dekat rumah gw
sedang dilakukan novena St. Antonius Padua.
gw tergoda untuk memasukkan intensi ke St. Antonius
supaya Dia membantu gw menemukan jodoh yang sampai sekarang masih hilang.
akan tetapi niat yang kurang kuat itu
hanya membuat gw berakhir dengan membuka online dating apps.

iya, gw punya profil di online dating apps.
menurut gw, aplikasi itu menjadi sarana termudah untuk memenuhi
kebutuhan berinteraksi dengan orang asing dengan segera.
kebutuhan dasar seorang ekstrovert (yang malas dan bermental instan).

berbeda dengan Stella beberapa bulan lalu,
kali ini gw membuka aplikasi itu dengan tekat
bahwa ini akan menjadi interaksi instan terakhir
yang gw upayakan dengan orang asing.

gw dengan jenuh dan enggan membuka, melihat, membaca
satu per satu profil orang yang mengirimkan pesan ke gw.
ada orang lama, ada juga orang baru.
percakapan awal yang sama, profil tipikal yang sama,
pada akhirnya gw merasa jengah.

akan tetapi karena ini gw dedikasikan sebagai momen terakhir
mengakses aplikasi online dating,
gw akhirnya membuat sesuatu yang berbeda.
gw memutuskan untuk mencantumkan identitas agama di dalam profil.
hal yang tidak pernah gw lakukan sebelumnya karena gw tidak merasa
orang lain perlu mengetahui apa yang gw yakini.

perubahan yang gw lakukan membawa hasil.
gw yang awalnya skeptis akan bertemu dengan orang seiman,
ternyata setelah gw mencantumkan agama gw di profil,
ada juga yang punya agama yang sama,
iman yang sama, yang membuat kami berinteraksi sampai sekarang.

semoga kamu menjadi yang terakhir.
kalau pun tidak menjadi yang terakhir,
semoga kita meninggalkan jejak untuk meningkatkan kedewasaan bersama.

Saturday, 15 April 2017

Easter 2017: Vigil Night

an unfortunate miss-saying name.

people can call others' name wrongly.
my mom tend to call me as my brother
and vice versa.
it is common, but not when someone
called you by his girlfriend name.

and he was once your crush.

as the awkward moment happened,
one thing you know for sure,
you still have some feeling towards this guy.

image taken from here.
#AwkwardFeelings

Monday, 27 February 2017

Embracing One's Self

beautiful collage from Isabel Reitemeyer


I got scared when I don't know what I want, what I wish for.
today, I went to the nearest church
to attend weekly silent mass.
I know how blank my mind is
but somehow I feel like I want to attend it.

I listened to the typical verse about how tomorrow
will take care of itself.
my mind wandered and then I realized,
how can I hope there will be someone out there
who are able to understand me well enough
if I were the one who don't know myself?

I try to be more ignorant but at the same time
I feel sad when I know little information.
I hate to do something out of my responsibility
but at the same time I put my standards to other people.
unlike projection image which A is always becoming A',
I am A which comes with B'.

when I am confused with myself
how come I expect people understand me well?

embrace your real self Stella.
it is okay not to be the ideal Stella
you've known for so long.

no need to worry.
it might be slow but the most important thing of
being in a self-development process is
you are progressing.

tomorrow will take care of itself.
I do believe it.

Sunday, 12 February 2017

Intoxicate

image taken from here.

one thing I realized recently, emotion is toxic.
thoughts fly inside my head,
creating such agitation over my body.
what an inconvenient experience.

if only I were a plant which has no feelings,
would I live this life happier?

I do need to scream so loud right now.

oh shit.
even when I need to scream,
I think.

Friday, 3 February 2017

29 on 25

image borrowed from here.
another birthday, another new unexpected gifts.
this year I got two.
first, I got my psychological test.
second, I got texts on my birthday from some surprising people.

the test was about to assess my leadership skill.
I don't know what to say about the result since that was
my very first time having myself assessed.
no, it's not about my personality
but about my leadership style.
I am messed up.

there are some good points of my leadership style
and I remember them clearly, esp. about my weaknesses.
I am easily distracted.
I am afraid to make decision about things I am not familiar.
I rely heavily on my past experience.
I can't stand with ambiguous situation.
I tend to procrastinate.
I am lack of discipline.
I trust people so much I tend to let things unsupervised.

in conclusion, I am not recommended to be a program manager,
the position I was applied.
the reason why I am now spending nearly 4 months,
commuting from my home to Kebayoran Lama.
I think there is nothing that holds me back to stay.
it's pretty clear now, I am in the place where I don't belong.

another eye-opening fact I got was
I have two levels above average for my IQ result.
it is hard to believe since I believe I am not that bright.
I really don't know if these findings are good things.
one thing for sure, I do think I need to find another place
which is fitter for me so I can develop myself optimally.
no wonder I got sick nearly 3 from total 4 months I worked
in this very new world, new job.

next, about the texts.
as I woke up this morning, nothing thrilled me.
my mom cooked birthday noodle.
I got seat on the bus as I went home.
me and my fam (with my aunt) ate Thai food
and chouxes for celebrating my birthday.

those all were nothing to compare with these 29 line texts
which successfully makes me break my own promise to myself:
not to meet him again.

I can't help. I need the comfort vibe when we talk.
 I need your good decision making skill.
I need someone I can talk to easily.
his text brighten up my day for sure.
I said yes without any hesitation,
it sounds so cheap I know, but I don't care.
I have something to look for once more.
it feels like I get his time as my birthday present.
this is crazy and sounds hard to be missed.

I am sorry myself, the need to meet him is much bigger
than my ability to stick with what I've said.
lack of discipline, yeah, that is me
based on my psychology test result.

the least person I expect to send me birthday greetings.
I don't know what is it with my birthday this year.
dear fire chicken, chicken on fire, or whatever it is,
please do good to me through this tough year.

#25isJustANumber #25thNow #25isNotCrisis

Friday, 20 January 2017

Youth Day Volunteering

the screenshot of congratulation announcement.
I've passed the administrative phase
of AYD 2017 volunteer selection.
I feel happy but not that much.
somehow, I have a slight thought to discontinue the process.
I feel damnly exhausted for sure.
I supposedly enjoy this kind of thing
but strangely, I am not as happy as usual.

I know I passed the first step to be DITD AYD 2017 volunteer,
and now what should I do?

there must be something really wrong with me.


Wednesday, 18 January 2017

Reach Me Out

beautiful illustration from here.
I said it, haltingly.
let's not see each other again, because the more I see you, the more I want you. I want something more and I don't think this is the right thing to do because this is not what I planned when I decided to meet you.
I can see it clearly, your shocked face but you keep quiet.
some awkward pause, I don't know how to describe it,
then you said "it's okay if it is what you want".

I talked something I don't remember.
but then I can't forget how you interpret my message as
asking you to be my boyfriend.
actually, no, I didn't ask you to be my dear one.
I said it for the sake of me, I am the one who tend to be sentimental.
I need to clarify where I stand and what I want
so that I won't create any false hope
or, for my own sake, I don't make any illusion about us.

the things I want more from you are never about the status.
I want more of your thoughtful text,
I want more of your life stories,
I want more of your time,
I want more of your attention.
I become greedier and I think this should be stop.
I am not ready for this and
I am not sure you can grant me such things.

there at Liberica, some time around 9PM,
we tried our best to break the odd.
we talked about cats, dogs, and some other stuffs,
but it helps none.
I can see how disappointed you are because of the things I've said.
I know I was such a b, to said such things
after you were asking me to go hiking with you to Papandayan.
I know I was such a b, to said such things
when we were chilling out, enjoying our drinks
while having small conversation.
I know I was such a b, to said such things
shortly after I asked if you want to watch Lala Land together.
I know I was a b by saying those things
at a beautiful moment, when your guard off,
when you expect no harm.

you asked with your teasing style,
"is it because your brother saw your phone and asked
'who is this moslem, tiko, guy' ?".
I burst into laughed. no such thing can happen in my life.
I tried to explain to him about how I want something more
with our hang-out-pal-relationship
but I don't think it is right to do, esp. right now, when I feel overwhelmed.
I am exhausted already with things I have to do daily,
I don't have any intention to experience some more tiring drama.
I know well I am such a sentimental person.
you asked when was the last time I got exhausted because of my feeling
and how low can I go, but I forgot what I told you.

you asked me whether I feel relieved after saying such things.
I said I was thinking about it since Christmas
and it's not a burden for me.
but it turns out, saying inconvenient things in person
is harder than I thought before.
I need to pick each word carefully
to lessen the probability of misinterpretation.

I brought up this topic, hoping you said NO as the answer.
you said loneliness is common.
you said you are okay if I want to reach you out, one day.
that was the moment I feel I was a total b,
I feel so touched with your thoughtfulness.

it is not enough for you to said it once,
as I got home, you texted me.
thanks for the 6 happy hangouts,
time and money investments you've done
throughout these 3 months.
I do really enjoy those time when we talk about things
that might not important for anyone else but me.
bye, you, the nice guy sweet to talk to.

Monday, 9 January 2017

Crazy January

image borrowed from here.

today is the 9th day of 2017
and I feel overwhelmed with things happened recently.

I started the new year with a horrible headache and fever.
the doctor said I got typhoid though the widal test is not reliable.
I took it for granted (and also graceful because I don't have
to experience the horrible symptoms of typhoid).

as I got rest for a week at home,
I think a lot. extremely a lot.
the thought about changing job in order to get a better payment,
the thought of making capsule wardrobe,
the thought of throwing away my idealism and my dream
to be a successful program manager in any international NGO,
the thought of starting a business with my brother,
the thought of investing my money in share funding or stocks,
the thought of doing solo travelling.

I can feel I will be crazy in very short time
if I continue taking a rest without doing nothing.
that's the moment I decided to watch Goblin,
the most recent K-Drama.
unfortunately, as I decided to dedicate my time to watch Goong Yoo,
I did nothing during my rest period
and it made me over-think even more.

one day, my dear brother asked me to join him to IKEA
because it was on sale, world widely.
hard to miss the opportunity, I joined him.
miraculously, I got a wardrobe as we went home although
1. it is not the perfect wardrobe I want.
2. it takes his effort to arrange the wardrobe
(which makes I still don't have any wardrobe until now
even though the props were already there in my room).
3. I need to think hard to make sure there is enough space in my little room
to arrange the wardrobe and to put it on the perfect spot.

today, another miracle happened as my mom sent me an ads from the paper.
Jetstar is on sale, while I am planning to go to Singapore to visit USS
(because my sister-by-friendship said she will treat me to go there! woot).
I googled for a while and voila, Singapore here I come!

woot! the price is included the 20kg baggage
for the return trip to JKT

Thurs. 23/3 on 2 PM, I should be off to CGK.

Mon. 27/3 on 11 AM, come back to JKT.
I never thought I could spend money this easy.
I am happy, I got the not-the-one-I-dreamed wardrobe
and I got the ticket to go to SG on March.
this is the very first year when I spend my own money
to buy such a big stuff and do a solo trip abroad.

I do believe this year must be good.

#StellaHasNewWardrobe
#StellaGoesToSingapore