Monday, 10 July 2017

In Absentia #2 - Over-Apologizing

taken from my fav resource
Regards Coupables

this time, I've decided to talk to my brother.
he's my private counselor and currently I need to hear his words.
I am deadly confused with my own discomfort
to receive daily sorry from him
because he hasn't managed to call me for ... geez I lost count.

several things I feel right now:

  • I have nothing to say anymore to reply his sorry text.
  • I don't think I need his sorry since it feels like a night ritual.
  • I appreciate his apology, it shows he remembers his promise quite well.
  • my craving for his voice vanished somewhere I don't know.
  • I don't expect him to call.
  • I feel tired of wanting him to call.
  • there come sometime I am afraid we are going to be awkward
    when we have to talk to each other like those days we used to.

I talked to my brother about things I feel.
I can't stand them anymore, those feelings really disturbing
and I am not really sure whether it was a right thing to say
"keep your sorry to yourself until you make it.
I do understand your condition and I hope you can make your promise."

"there will come the time when he no longer says sorry
then you regret to tell him not to say sorry."

the words of my brother feels like a hard slap on my face.
"what the heck I'm doing?"

then the long conversation with my personal counselor, began.
some relationship issues I addressed to him:

  • I have nothing to say anymore to reply his sorry text.
  • private counselor said: try to be grateful, he's still saying sorry it's good enough. at least by you replied him saying okay, it's enough.
    what if he thought I'm doing passive-aggressive move just by saying okay?
    pcs: be genuine and everything else is other people's problem, not yours.
  • my craving for his voice vanished somewhere I don't know.
  • pcs: doesn't it good? you got back to your sense.
  • I feel tired of wanting him to call.
  • pcs: it's your own problem. never expect anything from anyone. try to do thing without any expectation. heartache prevention is such an anti-theses to love someone whole-fully.

there are many things we talked about tonight
and our talk just makes me feel I am such a spoiled brat
who is blessed enough to have my brother around.
at the end of our conversation, he asked me
"can't you think about everything by yourself?"

"no, I don't have such capacity. by the way, that's the reason He sent you to be my brother, isn't it? to help me through this complicated life."

not long after I went downstairs to enter my room,
a text from my pcs appeared.
he sent me this link, an article from Psychology Today
about over-apologizing.
I am touched and send him the link to know
what kind of Apology Language he has.

each time I've talked to my brother,
it only adds more love over him.
I am not ready to lose him in September.
I do need you, my one and only brother I adore.
thank you for always being there when I even can't understand what's going on with me.

#BeyondGrateful #BrotherSisterhood

as I remember I was once post this image, somewhere in my blog.
I don't manage to find the post which contains it, so here is the
apology vs thank you illustration from Yao Xiao

Wednesday, 5 July 2017

In Absentia #1 - Self-Control

thanks Adams Carvalho for the illustration.
it's been a week since our last loooong talk over the phone.
I don't know whether he gets it or not.
I do miss his voice and his stories.

I try my best not to add his troubles.
the first two day he didn't call,
I went through extreme struggle.
bad mood, insecurity, disappointment,
and many other negativeness haunted me.
I thought I might be insane.

exhausted with my own thought,
I asked for advice to my living diary.
thankfully, she was very mad at me.

#1: People should fulfill one's promise. One of the thing that differentiate from a good person and normal and not is how well someone is keeping his words. Is it polite enough, thoughtfully said or not, really mean it or not, fulfill it or not. Because in one way or another, it shows how trusted someone or he's just a hypocrite.
#2: Life is full of uncertainty. Even you are the greatest person in the world, no matter how you mean your words, if things happen, things happen. Sometimes you need to choose (to me, more likely than not, you will have a choice) to revise your plan or promise. In this case, probably you see it as a promise thus has more effect on you. By understanding that, you also need to understand how important it is.
#3: Understanding and forgiveness. You can consider few things like "is he always like this? Is he doing it with a weak reason? If I were him, what will I do?". After you reflect, try to reconcile. Talk about it after that. Say how you feel, use more "we" that pointing the blame on you or use I as self-focus statement. Use feel than think.
#4: Wake up and realize that your life is not only revolve around him. Whatever things that make you believe he is serious with you is only his words. I'm not asking you to be a bitter person and have no faith on humanity or hate people by believing that all men are the same: jerk and liar. At least approach it with caution. You can't be too naive.
#5: Mastering the 4 points above and then do live you life in a more interesting way. Go out with friends or do something you like. "Baper" only waste your time and time is limited. Be a person with value added, don't make yourself to be your own dementor. Prove yourself worth and stop being stupid for not being called. It is for other party to make it up to you, not for you to be annoyed and let it ruin your day. Bego lu.
Anti-"Baper" trick #1: Understand about priority. You should know how much a person or a matter deserve your thought.
Anti-"Baper" trick #2 (shucks version): Find another "toy". 
well, her words really hit me hard.
I realized I am such a childish person
who tend to always get what I want.

his absence for days makes me rethink about
what kind of person I am.
sadly, I have to admit the fact that I am such a spoiled kid.
the ridiculous thing is when this spoiled kid
always asks for a mature person to be hers.

now, he is in front of her eyes,
she feels happy about it,
but she behaves inappropriately just because
he's been unavailable for days.

dear Universe,
thanks for granted her the thing she wants in her life
please do forgive her for her stupidity.

Sunday, 2 July 2017

Tentang Jatuh Cinta

gambar diambil dari sini.

seolah menjadi ritual buat gw untuk mengeksplorasi diri ketika gw sedang dekat dengan seseorang. seperti contohnya saat ini, gw sedang mencari tahu tentang jatuh cinta karena gw ingin tahu apakah gw sedang mengalaminya.

ketiga artikel dari Psychology Today berikut menjadi inspirasi tulisan gw kali ini.
(artikel 1, artikel 2, dan artikel 3)

gw sangat suka dengan tulisan di artikel pertama yang berjudul
Bagaimana Cara Anda Tahu Sedang Jatuh Cinta. Kim, si penulis, berusia 38 tahun dan punya pengalaman perceraian. berdasarkan pengalamannya, Kim mengatakan bahwa cinta adalah wujud dari serangkaian pilihan.

setiap orang, berdasarkan prioritas dan preferensi masing-masing, punya serangkaian faktor yang menjadi landasan untuk memilih apakah mau atau tidak mencintai seseorang. faktor itu terdiri dari bentuk badan, kecerdasan, prinsip hidup, dan lain sebagainya.

Kim, di artikel tersebut mengibaratkan bahwa cinta seperti penerbangan di pesawat. ketika terjadi goncangan/turbulensi, muncul keraguan terhadap pasangan, saat itulah pilihan kembali perlu dibuat. pilihannya hanya dua, melanjutkan penerbangan atau berusaha loncat keluar dari pesawat.

kesimpulannya, cinta adalah proses memilih setiap hari, antara mau mencintai atau tidak. antara mau melanjutkan proses mencintai atau berhenti. karena pada kenyataannya, seseorang bisa mencintai orang lain selamanya sekaligus memilih untuk tidak mencintai orang tersebut selamanya. ada kalanya kemampuan untuk mencintai menurun atau meningkat. terkadang terasa mudah, terkadang rasanya sangat sulit untuk mencintai. akan tetapi pada akhirnya, semua itu adalah pilihan.

semakin lama seseorang bertahan dalam pesawat, semakin mudah ia dalam memilih. pilihan dalam mencintai menghasilkan kesempatan untuk mencapai sesuatu dalam hidup yang tidak mungkin dicapai sebelumnya jika dilakukan seorang diri.

tulisan di artikel dua dan tiga ditulis oleh orang yang sama di tahun yang berbeda. intinya kurang lebih sama-sama membahas tanda-tanda jika seseorang jatuh cinta. berikut ini kompilasi yang coba gw buat dengan menggabungkan kedua artikel tersebut.

  • Bersedia melakukan hal baru
  • misalnya jadi menonton acara TV yang berbeda, mencoba makanan yang baru, dsb.

  • Mengalami perasaan yang intens (termasuk tekanan)
  • peningkatan hormon stres, kortisol, membuat seseorang menjadi lebih cemas, tegang, atau gugup. hal tersebut adalah respon yang wajar terhadap seseorang yang dianggap memiliki kesan mendalam.

  • Termotivasi untuk bersama dengan orang tersebut
  • Mendapat balasan perasaan
  • orang yang sedang jatuh cinta akan fokus terhadap satu sama lain. ketika perasaan jatuh cinta timbul untuk beberapa saat, keinginan untuk saling terikat (attachment) menjadi meningkat. rasa senang atas kehadiran pasangan menjadi tanda keberhargaan relasi yang dibagun serta membantu keberlanjutan relasi.

  • Ada dorongan untuk mengatakan "aku sayang kamu"
  • dorongan ini menjadi tanda paling jelas meski banyak orang yang ragu untuk mengatakan tiga kata tersebut. laki-laki lebih mungkin untuk mengatakannya terlebih dahulu daripada perempuan. selain itu, kepedulian dari satu orang kepada orang lain membuat seseorang yang sedang jatuh cinta terdorong untuk melakukan sesuatu demi memudahkan hidup pasangannya. cinta yang tulus memungkinkan kedua orang yang saling mencintai untuk saling memberikan kebaikan sehingga meningkatkan kesejahteraan kedua pihak.

  • Berani berinvestasi terhadap orang tersebut
  • investasi yang dimaksud termasuk juga keberanian untuk mengambil risiko dalam membuat pilihan terhadap orang lain. misalnya memilih untuk secara terbuka menceritakan rahasia masa lalu yang kurang baik, atau memilih untuk mengorbankan waktu, tenaga, emosi, dan uang. orang yang jatuh cinta akan semakin meningkatkan investasinya terhadap pasangan, sehingga semakin mendorong komitmen dan stabilitas relasi.

  • Memiliki jawaban iya atas pertanyaan berikut
    • Apakah orang tersebut akan mendukung, menghormati, memahami, dan berbelas kasih terhadapmu?
    • Apakah orang tersebut memiliki nilai-nilai (values) dan prioritas yang sama?
well, akhir kata, meski ada beberapa hal yang bisa dijadikan tanda apakah seseorang sedang jatuh cinta, pada akhirnya diri sendiri yang membuat keputusan apakah saya mau mencintai dia.

selamat mencinta, semoga cinta kembali padamu.
My heart says we've got something real
Can I trust the way I feel
Cause my heart's been through it before
Am I'm just seeing what I want to see
Or is it true
Could you really be

Someone to have and hold
With all my heart and soul
I need to know
Before I fall in love
Someone who'll stay around
(Who warns) my ups and downs
So tell me now
Before I fall in love

And I'm at the point of no return
So afraid of getting burned
But I wanna take a chance
Oh please
Give me a reason to believe
Say you're the one that you'll always be

Someone to have and hold
With all my heart and soul
I need to know
Before I fall in love
Someone who'll stay around
(Who warns) my ups and downs
So tell me now
Before I fall in love

It's been so hard for me
To give my heart away
But I would give my everything
Just to hear you say...

Someone to have and hold
With all my heart and soul
I need to know
Before I fall in love
Someone who'll stay around
(Who warns) my ups and downs
So tell me now
Before I fall in love

- Before I Fall In Love, Coco Lee

Wednesday, 28 June 2017

Hey You, Crazy Acong!

lovely saying by Emm Roy
in my hopelessness (so-called by my living diary),
there comes this guy. his uncommon greetings took my attention.
I responded him, casually, then the chat continued easily.

we talked quite much in the middle of the night.
after 1.5 hrs texting, he asked to call me to explain something.
I refused, I suggested him to call by tomorrow.
that was a mistake.
that was my very first time talking to a stranger, on the phone,
for more than 4 hours STRAIGHT.
crazy yet impressive.

I tend to feel discomfort to be called by anyone.
first, it took all of my concentration. once the talking begin
that means I can't do anything besides listening and responding.

second, somehow I feel I am extra alert when answering phones.
I don't have a lot of good experience on using telephone
because my mom tend to yell annoyingly to me when I'm on call
to make my friend stop the call.
(yeah, I used to call for hours, gossiping with my school friends).

third, my tendency to be a people-pleaser
makes it hard for me to end the call one-sided.
I will look for the right time to say
"okay, let's continue the talk tomorrow"
which only make the conversation going to no end.

interestingly, this guy managed to make me feel okay
to accept his call instantly.
there were so many INTERESTING things he said to me.
I found it hard to recall every little details
like I always do when I just know someone.
he has roller-coaster life, I've never imagined before.

as if one impression were not enough,
he surprised me with the craziest thing I've ever known,
he asked me to be his girlfriend at the end of the 3 hours talking.
his (I assumed as) impulsive proposal only lengthen the talk.
in between being flattered and shocked,
I try to think clearly "what's going on???".

trust me, it was not easy because
it was 1 AM and we were still talking on the phone.
I keep trying to figure out what was on his mind.
none of us under the influence of alcohol but everything
seems very spontaneous and in extremely fast pace.

after another couple hours talking,
I said yes to his impulsive offer.

actually, I've tried my best to ask for two days to think.
I know myself well, I need to think thoroughly
when I have to make any decision.
unfortunately, this guy was not that patient
to wait for me to think.
"it sounds as if we were teenagers who need time
just to answer a simple offering.
what does dating mean for you?"
his annoying remark triggered my mind.
yeah, well, nothing's wrong with give it a try.
I agreed his argument about dating is the time
to know more about each other,
but I have so much doubt in my mind.

the next day, I woke up very early,
I went back to sleep again, and the next thing I know,
I left my phone unintentionally.
I was busy playing card
with my brother and cousins through the day.
as I checked my phone after that, I found some texts from him.
his first line was, "pagi, pacar".
the other lines were he telling me consistently about
what he was doing and where he was.
I am touched yet I feeling guilty for neglecting his texts.

... the other things I know, my other two days were filled
with his never-ending calls. I am amazed how he is able to
make me stay listening to him for THAT LONG.

the call log from and to him.
9.45 hrs talking in 3 days
new record unlocked.
as I wrote this, I can't recall how many times I said "crazy".
he is totally out of his mind.

things I noticed easily from him since his very first call:
  1. he is a deep person. able to gain new insights from life which derived from adversities.
  2. he is also practical. geez, deep and practical what a unique person.
  3. he is crazy at its finest. no other word can describe him better.
  4. he is having good sense of self and excellent self-determination.
  5. super confident, well, I call him Acong (anak congkak/haughty boy) instantly.
our significant trait, to compare with other profiles.
well, it's not reliable but give slight understanding though.
I found him attractive.
whatever he said, whatever he thought, whatever his belief,
everything seems like mesmerized me.
it keeps ringing in my head, "oh my, I can't agree more!".
I keep saying "how do you get such insight?".
I keep laughing during our talk over the phone.

the more he disclose himself,
the more I feel like I've met my kind of guy.
I do really wish this is more than just a false first-impression.

yeah, Acong, let's give it a try.

ps: he listened to me when I asked him not to call today.
I appreciate this kind of respect move, very much.

Tuesday, 27 June 2017

(Semoga) Menjadi yang Terakhir

rebahan dambaan.
ilustrasi apik ini dari sini.

semua berawal dari kongkow DH terakhir.
salah seorang teman bercerita dia akan segera melepas status jomblo.
antara terkejut dan tidak, sebuah ketakutan menjadi
"the one who left behind", tiba-tiba muncul.

perasaan takut itu membuat gw cukup galau beberapa hari.
perasaan tidak tenteram menghantui gw yang gw sendiri ga tahu
apa penyebab utamanya. berita dari teman gw itu hanya menjadi stimulus,
gw percaya masih ada root cause dari ketidaktenteraman jiwa
yang gw alami.

ada kalanya gw merasa sangat ingin reach out to someone,
tapi rasanya sangat sulit menemukan that one figure I trust enough
untuk bisa mengembalikan ketentraman jiwa gw.
gw berpikir, mencari figur itu di daftar kontak gw, nihil.

galau. sendirian. gw berpikir keras gimana cara menghilangkannya.
sebuah pengalaman tidak menyenangkan.

gw menduga-duga, ada beberapa penyebab gw merasa takut tertinggal.

  • baru-baru ini gw menyadari ada yang berbeda dengan tahap perkembangan psikologis gw, dibandingkan dengan teman-teman seusia gw yang lain.
  • di usia yang sama dengan gw, teman di sekitar gw sudah punya gambaran yang jelas tentang kehamilan, pernikahan, pertunangan, kepemilikan rumah, pendidikan lanjut, dan jenjang karir yang ajeg.
  • gw yang tahun lalu baru mengalami ketidakberhasilan pengajuan beasiswa untuk S2, seperti kehilangan arah. gw enggak tahu kapan mau coba lagi untuk ambil S2, aspirasi karir pun jadi turut kabur.
  • pertanyaan sederhana yang bahkan ditanyakan dua kali di tahun yang berbeda oleh seorang teman yang sama, "kapan mau married, Stell?", sampai sekarang masih belum bisa gw jawab.
intinya, gw mengalami krisis keyakinan bahwa gw berkembang dengan wajar
selayaknya manusia sebaya gw yang lainnya.
pelepasan bayi kura-kura ke lautan menjadi ilustrasi yang sangat menggambarkan
apa yang gw rasakan saat ini.
menjadi bayi kura-kura yang paling belakang, rawan dimangsa musuh terlebih dahulu,
begitu juga dengan bayi kura-kura yang paling depan.
ya kan?

laut jadi tujuan, meski tanpa tuan di depan.
ilustrasi apik dari sini.

bukan kebetulan, di saat-saat galau gini di dekat rumah gw
sedang dilakukan novena St. Antonius Padua.
gw tergoda untuk memasukkan intensi ke St. Antonius
supaya Dia membantu gw menemukan jodoh yang sampai sekarang masih hilang.
akan tetapi niat yang kurang kuat itu
hanya membuat gw berakhir dengan membuka online dating apps.

iya, gw punya profil di online dating apps.
menurut gw, aplikasi itu menjadi sarana termudah untuk memenuhi
kebutuhan berinteraksi dengan orang asing dengan segera.
kebutuhan dasar seorang ekstrovert (yang malas dan bermental instan).

berbeda dengan Stella beberapa bulan lalu,
kali ini gw membuka aplikasi itu dengan tekat
bahwa ini akan menjadi interaksi instan terakhir
yang gw upayakan dengan orang asing.

gw dengan jenuh dan enggan membuka, melihat, membaca
satu per satu profil orang yang mengirimkan pesan ke gw.
ada orang lama, ada juga orang baru.
percakapan awal yang sama, profil tipikal yang sama,
pada akhirnya gw merasa jengah.

akan tetapi karena ini gw dedikasikan sebagai momen terakhir
mengakses aplikasi online dating,
gw akhirnya membuat sesuatu yang berbeda.
gw memutuskan untuk mencantumkan identitas agama di dalam profil.
hal yang tidak pernah gw lakukan sebelumnya karena gw tidak merasa
orang lain perlu mengetahui apa yang gw yakini.

perubahan yang gw lakukan membawa hasil.
gw yang awalnya skeptis akan bertemu dengan orang seiman,
ternyata setelah gw mencantumkan agama gw di profil,
ada juga yang punya agama yang sama,
iman yang sama, yang membuat kami berinteraksi sampai sekarang.

semoga kamu menjadi yang terakhir.
kalau pun tidak menjadi yang terakhir,
semoga kita meninggalkan jejak untuk meningkatkan kedewasaan bersama.

Saturday, 15 April 2017

Easter 2017: Vigil Night

an unfortunate miss-saying name.

people can call others' name wrongly.
my mom tend to call me as my brother
and vice versa.
it is common, but not when someone
called you by his girlfriend name.

and he was once your crush.

as the awkward moment happened,
one thing you know for sure,
you still have some feeling towards this guy.

image taken from here.

Monday, 27 February 2017

Embracing One's Self

beautiful collage from Isabel Reitemeyer

I got scared when I don't know what I want, what I wish for.
today, I went to the nearest church
to attend weekly silent mass.
I know how blank my mind is
but somehow I feel like I want to attend it.

I listened to the typical verse about how tomorrow
will take care of itself.
my mind wandered and then I realized,
how can I hope there will be someone out there
who are able to understand me well enough
if I were the one who don't know myself?

I try to be more ignorant but at the same time
I feel sad when I know little information.
I hate to do something out of my responsibility
but at the same time I put my standards to other people.
unlike projection image which A is always becoming A',
I am A which comes with B'.

when I am confused with myself
how come I expect people understand me well?

embrace your real self Stella.
it is okay not to be the ideal Stella
you've known for so long.

no need to worry.
it might be slow but the most important thing of
being in a self-development process is
you are progressing.

tomorrow will take care of itself.
I do believe it.

Sunday, 12 February 2017


image taken from here.

one thing I realized recently, emotion is toxic.
thoughts fly inside my head,
creating such agitation over my body.
what an inconvenient experience.

if only I were a plant which has no feelings,
would I live this life happier?

I do need to scream so loud right now.

oh shit.
even when I need to scream,
I think.

Friday, 3 February 2017

29 on 25

image borrowed from here.
another birthday, another new unexpected gifts.
this year I got two.
first, I got my psychological test.
second, I got texts on my birthday from some surprising people.

the test was about to assess my leadership skill.
I don't know what to say about the result since that was
my very first time having myself assessed.
no, it's not about my personality
but about my leadership style.
I am messed up.

there are some good points of my leadership style
and I remember them clearly, esp. about my weaknesses.
I am easily distracted.
I am afraid to make decision about things I am not familiar.
I rely heavily on my past experience.
I can't stand with ambiguous situation.
I tend to procrastinate.
I am lack of discipline.
I trust people so much I tend to let things unsupervised.

in conclusion, I am not recommended to be a program manager,
the position I was applied.
the reason why I am now spending nearly 4 months,
commuting from my home to Kebayoran Lama.
I think there is nothing that holds me back to stay.
it's pretty clear now, I am in the place where I don't belong.

another eye-opening fact I got was
I have two levels above average for my IQ result.
it is hard to believe since I believe I am not that bright.
I really don't know if these findings are good things.
one thing for sure, I do think I need to find another place
which is fitter for me so I can develop myself optimally.
no wonder I got sick nearly 3 from total 4 months I worked
in this very new world, new job.

next, about the texts.
as I woke up this morning, nothing thrilled me.
my mom cooked birthday noodle.
I got seat on the bus as I went home.
me and my fam (with my aunt) ate Thai food
and chouxes for celebrating my birthday.

those all were nothing to compare with these 29 line texts
which successfully makes me break my own promise to myself:
not to meet him again.

I can't help. I need the comfort vibe when we talk.
 I need your good decision making skill.
I need someone I can talk to easily.
his text brighten up my day for sure.
I said yes without any hesitation,
it sounds so cheap I know, but I don't care.
I have something to look for once more.
it feels like I get his time as my birthday present.
this is crazy and sounds hard to be missed.

I am sorry myself, the need to meet him is much bigger
than my ability to stick with what I've said.
lack of discipline, yeah, that is me
based on my psychology test result.

the least person I expect to send me birthday greetings.
I don't know what is it with my birthday this year.
dear fire chicken, chicken on fire, or whatever it is,
please do good to me through this tough year.

#25isJustANumber #25thNow #25isNotCrisis

Friday, 20 January 2017

Youth Day Volunteering

the screenshot of congratulation announcement.
I've passed the administrative phase
of AYD 2017 volunteer selection.
I feel happy but not that much.
somehow, I have a slight thought to discontinue the process.
I feel damnly exhausted for sure.
I supposedly enjoy this kind of thing
but strangely, I am not as happy as usual.

I know I passed the first step to be DITD AYD 2017 volunteer,
and now what should I do?

there must be something really wrong with me.

Wednesday, 18 January 2017

Reach Me Out

beautiful illustration from here.
I said it, haltingly.
let's not see each other again, because the more I see you, the more I want you. I want something more and I don't think this is the right thing to do because this is not what I planned when I decided to meet you.
I can see it clearly, your shocked face but you keep quiet.
some awkward pause, I don't know how to describe it,
then you said "it's okay if it is what you want".

I talked something I don't remember.
but then I can't forget how you interpret my message as
asking you to be my boyfriend.
actually, no, I didn't ask you to be my dear one.
I said it for the sake of me, I am the one who tend to be sentimental.
I need to clarify where I stand and what I want
so that I won't create any false hope
or, for my own sake, I don't make any illusion about us.

the things I want more from you are never about the status.
I want more of your thoughtful text,
I want more of your life stories,
I want more of your time,
I want more of your attention.
I become greedier and I think this should be stop.
I am not ready for this and
I am not sure you can grant me such things.

there at Liberica, some time around 9PM,
we tried our best to break the odd.
we talked about cats, dogs, and some other stuffs,
but it helps none.
I can see how disappointed you are because of the things I've said.
I know I was such a b, to said such things
after you were asking me to go hiking with you to Papandayan.
I know I was such a b, to said such things
when we were chilling out, enjoying our drinks
while having small conversation.
I know I was such a b, to said such things
shortly after I asked if you want to watch Lala Land together.
I know I was a b by saying those things
at a beautiful moment, when your guard off,
when you expect no harm.

you asked with your teasing style,
"is it because your brother saw your phone and asked
'who is this moslem, tiko, guy' ?".
I burst into laughed. no such thing can happen in my life.
I tried to explain to him about how I want something more
with our hang-out-pal-relationship
but I don't think it is right to do, esp. right now, when I feel overwhelmed.
I am exhausted already with things I have to do daily,
I don't have any intention to experience some more tiring drama.
I know well I am such a sentimental person.
you asked when was the last time I got exhausted because of my feeling
and how low can I go, but I forgot what I told you.

you asked me whether I feel relieved after saying such things.
I said I was thinking about it since Christmas
and it's not a burden for me.
but it turns out, saying inconvenient things in person
is harder than I thought before.
I need to pick each word carefully
to lessen the probability of misinterpretation.

I brought up this topic, hoping you said NO as the answer.
you said loneliness is common.
you said you are okay if I want to reach you out, one day.
that was the moment I feel I was a total b,
I feel so touched with your thoughtfulness.

it is not enough for you to said it once,
as I got home, you texted me.
thanks for the 6 happy hangouts,
time and money investments you've done
throughout these 3 months.
I do really enjoy those time when we talk about things
that might not important for anyone else but me.
bye, you, the nice guy sweet to talk to.

Monday, 9 January 2017

Crazy January

image borrowed from here.

today is the 9th day of 2017
and I feel overwhelmed with things happened recently.

I started the new year with a horrible headache and fever.
the doctor said I got typhoid though the widal test is not reliable.
I took it for granted (and also graceful because I don't have
to experience the horrible symptoms of typhoid).

as I got rest for a week at home,
I think a lot. extremely a lot.
the thought about changing job in order to get a better payment,
the thought of making capsule wardrobe,
the thought of throwing away my idealism and my dream
to be a successful program manager in any international NGO,
the thought of starting a business with my brother,
the thought of investing my money in share funding or stocks,
the thought of doing solo travelling.

I can feel I will be crazy in very short time
if I continue taking a rest without doing nothing.
that's the moment I decided to watch Goblin,
the most recent K-Drama.
unfortunately, as I decided to dedicate my time to watch Goong Yoo,
I did nothing during my rest period
and it made me over-think even more.

one day, my dear brother asked me to join him to IKEA
because it was on sale, world widely.
hard to miss the opportunity, I joined him.
miraculously, I got a wardrobe as we went home although
1. it is not the perfect wardrobe I want.
2. it takes his effort to arrange the wardrobe
(which makes I still don't have any wardrobe until now
even though the props were already there in my room).
3. I need to think hard to make sure there is enough space in my little room
to arrange the wardrobe and to put it on the perfect spot.

today, another miracle happened as my mom sent me an ads from the paper.
Jetstar is on sale, while I am planning to go to Singapore to visit USS
(because my sister-by-friendship said she will treat me to go there! woot).
I googled for a while and voila, Singapore here I come!

woot! the price is included the 20kg baggage
for the return trip to JKT

Thurs. 23/3 on 2 PM, I should be off to CGK.

Mon. 27/3 on 11 AM, come back to JKT.
I never thought I could spend money this easy.
I am happy, I got the not-the-one-I-dreamed wardrobe
and I got the ticket to go to SG on March.
this is the very first year when I spend my own money
to buy such a big stuff and do a solo trip abroad.

I do believe this year must be good.