Friday, 20 January 2017

Youth Day Volunteering

the screenshot of congratulation announcement.
I've passed the administrative phase
of AYD 2017 volunteer selection.
I feel happy but not that much.
somehow, I have a slight thought to discontinue the process.
I feel damnly exhausted for sure.
I supposedly enjoy this kind of thing
but strangely, I am not as happy as usual.

I know I passed the first step to be DITD AYD 2017 volunteer,
and now what should I do?

there must be something really wrong with me.


Wednesday, 18 January 2017

Reach Me Out

beautiful illustration from here.
I said it, haltingly.
let's not see each other again, because the more I see you, the more I want you. I want something more and I don't think this is the right thing to do because this is not what I planned when I decided to meet you.
I can see it clearly, your shocked face but you keep quiet.
some awkward pause, I don't know how to describe it,
then you said "it's okay if it is what you want".

I talked something I don't remember.
but then I can't forget how you interpret my message as
asking you to be my boyfriend.
actually, no, I didn't ask you to be my dear one.
I said it for the sake of me, I am the one who tend to be sentimental.
I need to clarify where I stand and what I want
so that I won't create any false hope
or, for my own sake, I don't make any illusion about us.

the things I want more from you are never about the status.
I want more of your thoughtful text,
I want more of your life stories,
I want more of your time,
I want more of your attention.
I become greedier and I think this should be stop.
I am not ready for this and
I am not sure you can grant me such things.

there at Liberica, some time around 9PM,
we tried our best to break the odd.
we talked about cats, dogs, and some other stuffs,
but it helps none.
I can see how disappointed you are because of the things I've said.
I know I was such a b, to said such things
after you were asking me to go hiking with you to Papandayan.
I know I was such a b, to said such things
when we were chilling out, enjoying our drinks
while having small conversation.
I know I was such a b, to said such things
shortly after I asked if you want to watch Lala Land together.
I know I was a b by saying those things
at a beautiful moment, when your guard off,
when you expect no harm.

you asked with your teasing style,
"is it because your brother saw your phone and asked
'who is this moslem, tiko, guy' ?".
I burst into laughed. no such thing can happen in my life.
I tried to explain to him about how I want something more
with our hang-out-pal-relationship
but I don't think it is right to do, esp. right now, when I feel overwhelmed.
I am exhausted already with things I have to do daily,
I don't have any intention to experience some more tiring drama.
I know well I am such a sentimental person.
you asked when was the last time I got exhausted because of my feeling
and how low can I go, but I forgot what I told you.

you asked me whether I feel relieved after saying such things.
I said I was thinking about it since Christmas
and it's not a burden for me.
but it turns out, saying inconvenient things in person
is harder than I thought before.
I need to pick each word carefully
to lessen the probability of misinterpretation.

I brought up this topic, hoping you said NO as the answer.
you said loneliness is common.
you said you are okay if I want to reach you out, one day.
that was the moment I feel I was a total b,
I feel so touched with your thoughtfulness.

it is not enough for you to said it once,
as I got home, you texted me.
thanks for the 6 happy hangouts,
time and money investments you've done
throughout these 3 months.
I do really enjoy those time when we talk about things
that might not important for anyone else but me.
bye, you, the nice guy sweet to talk to.

Monday, 9 January 2017

Crazy January

image borrowed from here.

today is the 9th day of 2017
and I feel overwhelmed with things happened recently.

I started the new year with a horrible headache and fever.
the doctor said I got typhoid though the widal test is not reliable.
I took it for granted (and also graceful because I don't have
to experience the horrible symptoms of typhoid).

as I got rest for a week at home,
I think a lot. extremely a lot.
the thought about changing job in order to get a better payment,
the thought of making capsule wardrobe,
the thought of throwing away my idealism and my dream
to be a successful program manager in any international NGO,
the thought of starting a business with my brother,
the thought of investing my money in share funding or stocks,
the thought of doing solo travelling.

I can feel I will be crazy in very short time
if I continue taking a rest without doing nothing.
that's the moment I decided to watch Goblin,
the most recent K-Drama.
unfortunately, as I decided to dedicate my time to watch Goong Yoo,
I did nothing during my rest period
and it made me over-think even more.

one day, my dear brother asked me to join him to IKEA
because it was on sale, world widely.
hard to miss the opportunity, I joined him.
miraculously, I got a wardrobe as we went home although
1. it is not the perfect wardrobe I want.
2. it takes his effort to arrange the wardrobe
(which makes I still don't have any wardrobe until now
even though the props were already there in my room).
3. I need to think hard to make sure there is enough space in my little room
to arrange the wardrobe and to put it on the perfect spot.

today, another miracle happened as my mom sent me an ads from the paper.
Jetstar is on sale, while I am planning to go to Singapore to visit USS
(because my sister-by-friendship said she will treat me to go there! woot).
I googled for a while and voila, Singapore here I come!

woot! the price is included the 20kg baggage
for the return trip to JKT

Thurs. 23/3 on 2 PM, I should be off to CGK.

Mon. 27/3 on 11 AM, come back to JKT.
I never thought I could spend money this easy.
I am happy, I got the not-the-one-I-dreamed wardrobe
and I got the ticket to go to SG on March.
this is the very first year when I spend my own money
to buy such a big stuff and do a solo trip abroad.

I do believe this year must be good.

#StellaHasNewWardrobe
#StellaGoesToSingapore