Wednesday, 18 January 2017

Reach Me Out

beautiful illustration from here.
I said it, haltingly.
let's not see each other again, because the more I see you, the more I want you. I want something more and I don't think this is the right thing to do because this is not what I planned when I decided to meet you.
I can see it clearly, your shocked face but you keep quiet.
some awkward pause, I don't know how to describe it,
then you said "it's okay if it is what you want".

I talked something I don't remember.
but then I can't forget how you interpret my message as
asking you to be my boyfriend.
actually, no, I didn't ask you to be my dear one.
I said it for the sake of me, I am the one who tend to be sentimental.
I need to clarify where I stand and what I want
so that I won't create any false hope
or, for my own sake, I don't make any illusion about us.

the things I want more from you are never about the status.
I want more of your thoughtful text,
I want more of your life stories,
I want more of your time,
I want more of your attention.
I become greedier and I think this should be stop.
I am not ready for this and
I am not sure you can grant me such things.

there at Liberica, some time around 9PM,
we tried our best to break the odd.
we talked about cats, dogs, and some other stuffs,
but it helps none.
I can see how disappointed you are because of the things I've said.
I know I was such a b, to said such things
after you were asking me to go hiking with you to Papandayan.
I know I was such a b, to said such things
when we were chilling out, enjoying our drinks
while having small conversation.
I know I was such a b, to said such things
shortly after I asked if you want to watch Lala Land together.
I know I was a b by saying those things
at a beautiful moment, when your guard off,
when you expect no harm.

you asked with your teasing style,
"is it because your brother saw your phone and asked
'who is this moslem, tiko, guy' ?".
I burst into laughed. no such thing can happen in my life.
I tried to explain to him about how I want something more
with our hang-out-pal-relationship
but I don't think it is right to do, esp. right now, when I feel overwhelmed.
I am exhausted already with things I have to do daily,
I don't have any intention to experience some more tiring drama.
I know well I am such a sentimental person.
you asked when was the last time I got exhausted because of my feeling
and how low can I go, but I forgot what I told you.

you asked me whether I feel relieved after saying such things.
I said I was thinking about it since Christmas
and it's not a burden for me.
but it turns out, saying inconvenient things in person
is harder than I thought before.
I need to pick each word carefully
to lessen the probability of misinterpretation.

I brought up this topic, hoping you said NO as the answer.
you said loneliness is common.
you said you are okay if I want to reach you out, one day.
that was the moment I feel I was a total b,
I feel so touched with your thoughtfulness.

it is not enough for you to said it once,
as I got home, you texted me.
thanks for the 6 happy hangouts,
time and money investments you've done
throughout these 3 months.
I do really enjoy those time when we talk about things
that might not important for anyone else but me.
bye, you, the nice guy sweet to talk to.