Monday, 27 February 2017

Embracing One's Self

beautiful collage from Isabel Reitemeyer

I got scared when I don't know what I want, what I wish for.
today, I went to the nearest church
to attend weekly silent mass.
I know how blank my mind is
but somehow I feel like I want to attend it.

I listened to the typical verse about how tomorrow
will take care of itself.
my mind wandered and then I realized,
how can I hope there will be someone out there
who is able to understand me well enough
if I were the one who don't know myself?

I try to be more ignorant but at the same time
I feel sad when I know little information.
I hate to do something out of my responsibility
but at the same time I put my standards to other people.
unlike projection image which A is always becoming A',
I am A which comes with B'.

when I am confused with myself
how come I expect people understand me well?

embrace your real self Stella.
it is okay not to be the ideal Stella
you've known for so long.

no need to worry.
it might be slow but the most important thing of
being in a self-development process is
you are progressing.

tomorrow will take care of itself.
I do believe it.

Sunday, 12 February 2017


image taken from here.

one thing I realized recently, emotion is toxic.
thoughts fly inside my head,
creating such agitation over my body.
what an inconvenient experience.

if only I were a plant which has no feelings,
would I live this life happier?

I do need to scream so loud right now.

oh shit.
even when I need to scream,
I think.

Friday, 3 February 2017

29 on 25

image borrowed from here.
another birthday, another new unexpected gifts.
this year I got two.
first, I got my psychological test.
second, I got texts on my birthday from some surprising people.

the test was about to assess my leadership skill.
I don't know what to say about the result since that was
my very first time having myself assessed.
no, it's not about my personality
but about my leadership style.
I am messed up.

there are some good points of my leadership style
and I remember them clearly, esp. about my weaknesses.
I am easily distracted.
I am afraid to make decision about things I am not familiar.
I rely heavily on my past experience.
I can't stand with ambiguous situation.
I tend to procrastinate.
I am lack of discipline.
I trust people so much I tend to let things unsupervised.

in conclusion, I am not recommended to be a program manager,
the position I was applied.
the reason why I am now spending nearly 4 months,
commuting from my home to Kebayoran Lama.
I think there is nothing that holds me back to stay.
it's pretty clear now, I am in the place where I don't belong.

another eye-opening fact I got was
I have two levels above average for my IQ result.
it is hard to believe since I believe I am not that bright.
I really don't know if these findings are good things.
one thing for sure, I do think I need to find another place
which is fitter for me so I can develop myself optimally.
no wonder I got sick nearly 3 from total 4 months I worked
in this very new world, new job.

next, about the texts.
as I woke up this morning, nothing thrilled me.
my mom cooked birthday noodle.
I got seat on the bus as I went home.
me and my fam (with my aunt) ate Thai food
and chouxes for celebrating my birthday.

those all were nothing to compare with these 29 line texts
which successfully makes me break my own promise to myself:
not to meet him again.

I can't help. I need the comfort vibe when we talk.
 I need your good decision making skill.
I need someone I can talk to easily.
his text brighten up my day for sure.
I said yes without any hesitation,
it sounds so cheap I know, but I don't care.
I have something to look for once more.
it feels like I get his time as my birthday present.
this is crazy and sounds hard to be missed.

I am sorry myself, the need to meet him is much bigger
than my ability to stick with what I've said.
lack of discipline, yeah, that is me
based on my psychology test result.

the least person I expect to send me birthday greetings.
I don't know what is it with my birthday this year.
dear fire chicken, chicken on fire, or whatever it is,
please do good to me through this tough year.

#25isJustANumber #25thNow #25isNotCrisis