Friday, 30 June 2017

The Way He Makes Me Feel

hold onto you.
nice illustration from here.

our last call yesterday makes me feel
there is something wrong with me.
he talked a lot, as usual.
I laughed at his jokes, also like usual.
the unusual thing is, there are times
I feel I don't know what to say.

I tend to be able to sleep well
after we talk over the phone for hours.
yesterday was different.
I can't sleep immediately.
there was something on my mind
but I was not sure what it was about.

tortured, I finally managed to sleep at 5AM.
I texted him I can't sleep but I don't know why.
I told him I need time to clear my mind
(well, that means don't try to call me on the day,
luckily he got it without me having to explain more).
Acong responded my text with his haughty style
"you are falling in love".
blah, not that fast monsieur.

in the noon, while I'm still thinking
what's going on with me,
I wrote about an analysis as seen below.

the very first person who able to stimulate me
to think about all these things!
he is one of a kind.
sense of safety, trust, and reliability,
I found them as rare features of a person,
I found them in you!

as soon as I've done my analysis, I feel relaxed.
I am a little bit surprised there are many things
I've never say out loud and they turn into anxiety.

phew, I'm glad I've found another coping method
that suits me well.

PS: as I wrote down my thoughts,
I listen to this song and somehow I feel the lyric
tells a lot about my impression of him.

Didn't they always say we were the lucky ones.
I guess that we were once, babe, we were once,
but luck will leave you cursed, it is a faithless friend,
and in the end, when life has got you down,
you've got someone here that you can wrap your arms around.

So hold on to me tight,
hold on to me tonight.
We are stronger here together,
than we could ever be alone.
So hold on to me,
don't you ever let me go.

There's a thousand ways for things to fall apart,
but it's no ones fault, no it's not my fault.
Maybe all the plans we made might not work out,
but I have no doubt, even though it's hard to see.
I've got faith in us, and I believe in you and me.

So hold on to me tight.
Hold on, I promise it will be alright.
Cause it's you and me together,
and baby all we've got is time.
So hold on to me,
hold on to me tonight.

There's so many dreams that we have given up.
Take a look at all we've got,
and with this kind of love,
and what we've got here is enough.

So hold on to me tight.
Hold on, I promise it will be alright.
Cause we are stronger here together,
than we could ever be alone.
Just hold on to me,
don't you ever let me go.
Hold on to me, it's gonna be alright.
Hold on to me tonight.

They always say, we were the lucky ones.
- Hold On, Michael Buble

yes, I do feel like want to hold on him.
I believe in him, my human-shaped kintsukuroi.

Wednesday, 28 June 2017

Hey You, Crazy Acong!

lovely saying by Emm Roy
in my hopelessness (so-called by my living diary),
there comes this guy. his uncommon greetings took my attention.
I responded him, casually, then the chat continued easily.

we talked quite much in the middle of the night.
after 1.5 hrs texting, he asked to call me to explain something.
I refused, I suggested him to call by tomorrow.
that was a mistake.
that was my very first time talking to a stranger, on the phone,
for more than 4 hours STRAIGHT.
crazy yet impressive.

I tend to feel discomfort to be called by anyone.
first, it took all of my concentration. once the talking begin
that means I can't do anything besides listening and responding.

second, somehow I feel I am extra alert when answering phones.
I don't have a lot of good experience on using telephone
because my mom tend to yell annoyingly to me when I'm on call
to make my friend stop the call.
(yeah, I used to call for hours, gossiping with my school friends).

third, my tendency to be a people-pleaser
makes it hard for me to end the call one-sided.
I will look for the right time to say
"okay, let's continue the talk tomorrow"
which only make the conversation going to no end.

interestingly, this guy managed to make me feel okay
to accept his call instantly.
there were so many INTERESTING things he said to me.
I found it hard to recall every little details
like I always do when I just know someone.
he has roller-coaster life, I've never imagined before.

as if one impression were not enough,
he surprised me with the craziest thing I've ever known,
he asked me to be his girlfriend at the end of the 3 hours talking.
his (I assumed as) impulsive proposal only lengthen the talk.
in between being flattered and shocked,
I try to think clearly "what's going on???".

trust me, it was not easy because
it was 1 AM and we were still talking on the phone.
I keep trying to figure out what was on his mind.
none of us under the influence of alcohol but everything
seems very spontaneous and in extremely fast pace.

after another couple hours talking,
I said yes to his impulsive offer.

actually, I've tried my best to ask for two days to think.
I know myself well, I need to think thoroughly
when I have to make any decision.
unfortunately, this guy was not that patient
to wait for me to think.
"it sounds as if we were teenagers who need time
just to answer a simple offering.
what does dating mean for you?"
his annoying remark triggered my mind.
yeah, well, nothing's wrong with give it a try.
I agreed his argument about dating is the time
to know more about each other,
but I have so much doubt in my mind.

the next day, I woke up very early,
I went back to sleep again, and the next thing I know,
I left my phone unintentionally.
I was busy playing card
with my brother and cousins through the day.
as I checked my phone after that, I found some texts from him.
his first line was, "pagi, pacar".
the other lines were he telling me consistently about
what he was doing and where he was.
I am touched yet I feeling guilty for neglecting his texts.

... the other things I know, my other two days were filled
with his never-ending calls. I am amazed how he is able to
make me stay listening to him for THAT LONG.

the call log from and to him.
9.45 hrs talking in 3 days
new record unlocked.
as I wrote this, I can't recall how many times I said "crazy".
he is totally out of his mind.

things I noticed easily from him since his very first call:
  1. he is a deep person. able to gain new insights from life which derived from adversities.
  2. he is also practical. geez, deep and practical what a unique person.
  3. he is crazy at its finest. no other word can describe him better.
  4. he is having good sense of self and excellent self-determination.
  5. super confident, well, I call him Acong (anak congkak/haughty boy) instantly.
our significant trait, to compare with other profiles.
well, it's not reliable but give slight understanding though.
I found him attractive.
whatever he said, whatever he thought, whatever his belief,
everything seems like mesmerized me.
it keeps ringing in my head, "oh my, I can't agree more!".
I keep saying "how do you get such insight?".
I keep laughing during our talk over the phone.

the more he disclose himself,
the more I feel like I've met my kind of guy.
I do really wish this is more than just a false first-impression.

yeah, Acong, let's give it a try.

ps: he listened to me when I asked him not to call today.
I appreciate this kind of respect move, very much.

Tuesday, 27 June 2017

(Semoga) Menjadi yang Terakhir

rebahan dambaan.
ilustrasi apik ini dari sini.

semua berawal dari kongkow DH terakhir.
salah seorang teman bercerita dia akan segera melepas status jomblo.
antara terkejut dan tidak, sebuah ketakutan menjadi
"the one who left behind", tiba-tiba muncul.

perasaan takut itu membuat gw cukup galau beberapa hari.
perasaan tidak tenteram menghantui gw yang gw sendiri ga tahu
apa penyebab utamanya. berita dari teman gw itu hanya menjadi stimulus,
gw percaya masih ada root cause dari ketidaktenteraman jiwa
yang gw alami.

ada kalanya gw merasa sangat ingin reach out to someone,
tapi rasanya sangat sulit menemukan that one figure I trust enough
untuk bisa mengembalikan ketentraman jiwa gw.
gw berpikir, mencari figur itu di daftar kontak gw, nihil.

galau. sendirian. gw berpikir keras gimana cara menghilangkannya.
sebuah pengalaman tidak menyenangkan.

gw menduga-duga, ada beberapa penyebab gw merasa takut tertinggal.

  • baru-baru ini gw menyadari ada yang berbeda dengan tahap perkembangan psikologis gw, dibandingkan dengan teman-teman seusia gw yang lain.
  • di usia yang sama dengan gw, teman di sekitar gw sudah punya gambaran yang jelas tentang kehamilan, pernikahan, pertunangan, kepemilikan rumah, pendidikan lanjut, dan jenjang karir yang ajeg.
  • gw yang tahun lalu baru mengalami ketidakberhasilan pengajuan beasiswa untuk S2, seperti kehilangan arah. gw enggak tahu kapan mau coba lagi untuk ambil S2, aspirasi karir pun jadi turut kabur.
  • pertanyaan sederhana yang bahkan ditanyakan dua kali di tahun yang berbeda oleh seorang teman yang sama, "kapan mau married, Stell?", sampai sekarang masih belum bisa gw jawab.
intinya, gw mengalami krisis keyakinan bahwa gw berkembang dengan wajar
selayaknya manusia sebaya gw yang lainnya.
pelepasan bayi kura-kura ke lautan menjadi ilustrasi yang sangat menggambarkan
apa yang gw rasakan saat ini.
menjadi bayi kura-kura yang paling belakang, rawan dimangsa musuh terlebih dahulu,
begitu juga dengan bayi kura-kura yang paling depan.
ya kan?

laut jadi tujuan, meski tanpa tuan di depan.
ilustrasi apik dari sini.

bukan kebetulan, di saat-saat galau gini di dekat rumah gw
sedang dilakukan novena St. Antonius Padua.
gw tergoda untuk memasukkan intensi ke St. Antonius
supaya Dia membantu gw menemukan jodoh yang sampai sekarang masih hilang.
akan tetapi niat yang kurang kuat itu
hanya membuat gw berakhir dengan membuka online dating apps.

iya, gw punya profil di online dating apps.
menurut gw, aplikasi itu menjadi sarana termudah untuk memenuhi
kebutuhan berinteraksi dengan orang asing dengan segera.
kebutuhan dasar seorang ekstrovert (yang malas dan bermental instan).

berbeda dengan Stella beberapa bulan lalu,
kali ini gw membuka aplikasi itu dengan tekat
bahwa ini akan menjadi interaksi instan terakhir
yang gw upayakan dengan orang asing.

gw dengan jenuh dan enggan membuka, melihat, membaca
satu per satu profil orang yang mengirimkan pesan ke gw.
ada orang lama, ada juga orang baru.
percakapan awal yang sama, profil tipikal yang sama,
pada akhirnya gw merasa jengah.

akan tetapi karena ini gw dedikasikan sebagai momen terakhir
mengakses aplikasi online dating,
gw akhirnya membuat sesuatu yang berbeda.
gw memutuskan untuk mencantumkan identitas agama di dalam profil.
hal yang tidak pernah gw lakukan sebelumnya karena gw tidak merasa
orang lain perlu mengetahui apa yang gw yakini.

perubahan yang gw lakukan membawa hasil.
gw yang awalnya skeptis akan bertemu dengan orang seiman,
ternyata setelah gw mencantumkan agama gw di profil,
ada juga yang punya agama yang sama,
iman yang sama, yang membuat kami berinteraksi sampai sekarang.

semoga kamu menjadi yang terakhir.
kalau pun tidak menjadi yang terakhir,
semoga kita meninggalkan jejak untuk meningkatkan kedewasaan bersama.