Monday, 10 July 2017

In Absentia #2 - Over-Apologizing

taken from my fav resource
Regards Coupables

this time, I've decided to talk to my brother.
he's my private counselor and currently I need to hear his words.
I am deadly confused with my own discomfort
to receive daily sorry from him
because he hasn't managed to call me for ... geez I lost count.

several things I feel right now:

  • I have nothing to say anymore to reply his sorry text.
  • I don't think I need his sorry since it feels like a night ritual.
  • I appreciate his apology, it shows he remembers his promise quite well.
  • my craving for his voice vanished somewhere I don't know.
  • I don't expect him to call.
  • I feel tired of wanting him to call.
  • there come sometime I am afraid we are going to be awkward
    when we have to talk to each other like those days we used to.

I talked to my brother about things I feel.
I can't stand them anymore, those feelings really disturbing
and I am not really sure whether it was a right thing to say
"keep your sorry to yourself until you make it.
I do understand your condition and I hope you can make your promise."

"there will come the time when he no longer says sorry
then you regret to tell him not to say sorry."

the words of my brother feels like a hard slap on my face.
"what the heck I'm doing?"

then the long conversation with my personal counselor, began.
some relationship issues I addressed to him:

  • I have nothing to say anymore to reply his sorry text.
  • private counselor said: try to be grateful, he's still saying sorry it's good enough. at least by you replied him saying okay, it's enough.
    what if he thought I'm doing passive-aggressive move just by saying okay?
    pcs: be genuine and everything else is other people's problem, not yours.
  • my craving for his voice vanished somewhere I don't know.
  • pcs: doesn't it good? you got back to your sense.
  • I feel tired of wanting him to call.
  • pcs: it's your own problem. never expect anything from anyone. try to do thing without any expectation. heartache prevention is such an anti-theses to love someone whole-fully.

there are many things we talked about tonight
and our talk just makes me feel I am such a spoiled brat
who is blessed enough to have my brother around.
at the end of our conversation, he asked me
"can't you think about everything by yourself?"

"no, I don't have such capacity. by the way, that's the reason He sent you to be my brother, isn't it? to help me through this complicated life."

not long after I went downstairs to enter my room,
a text from my pcs appeared.
he sent me this link, an article from Psychology Today
about over-apologizing.
I am touched and send him the link to know
what kind of Apology Language he has.

each time I've talked to my brother,
it only adds more love over him.
I am not ready to lose him in September.
I do need you, my one and only brother I adore.
thank you for always being there when I even can't understand what's going on with me.

#BeyondGrateful #BrotherSisterhood

as I remember I was once post this image, somewhere in my blog.
I don't manage to find the post which contains it, so here is the
apology vs thank you illustration from Yao Xiao

Wednesday, 5 July 2017

In Absentia #1 - Self-Control

thanks Adams Carvalho for the illustration.
it's been a week since our last loooong talk over the phone.
I don't know whether he gets it or not.
I do miss his voice and his stories.

I try my best not to add his troubles.
the first two day he didn't call,
I went through extreme struggle.
bad mood, insecurity, disappointment,
and many other negativeness haunted me.
I thought I might be insane.

exhausted with my own thought,
I asked for advice to my living diary.
thankfully, she was very mad at me.

#1: People should fulfill one's promise. One of the thing that differentiate from a good person and normal and not is how well someone is keeping his words. Is it polite enough, thoughtfully said or not, really mean it or not, fulfill it or not. Because in one way or another, it shows how trusted someone or he's just a hypocrite.
#2: Life is full of uncertainty. Even you are the greatest person in the world, no matter how you mean your words, if things happen, things happen. Sometimes you need to choose (to me, more likely than not, you will have a choice) to revise your plan or promise. In this case, probably you see it as a promise thus has more effect on you. By understanding that, you also need to understand how important it is.
#3: Understanding and forgiveness. You can consider few things like "is he always like this? Is he doing it with a weak reason? If I were him, what will I do?". After you reflect, try to reconcile. Talk about it after that. Say how you feel, use more "we" that pointing the blame on you or use I as self-focus statement. Use feel than think.
#4: Wake up and realize that your life is not only revolve around him. Whatever things that make you believe he is serious with you is only his words. I'm not asking you to be a bitter person and have no faith on humanity or hate people by believing that all men are the same: jerk and liar. At least approach it with caution. You can't be too naive.
#5: Mastering the 4 points above and then do live you life in a more interesting way. Go out with friends or do something you like. "Baper" only waste your time and time is limited. Be a person with value added, don't make yourself to be your own dementor. Prove yourself worth and stop being stupid for not being called. It is for other party to make it up to you, not for you to be annoyed and let it ruin your day. Bego lu.
Anti-"Baper" trick #1: Understand about priority. You should know how much a person or a matter deserve your thought.
Anti-"Baper" trick #2 (shucks version): Find another "toy". 
well, her words really hit me hard.
I realized I am such a childish person
who tend to always get what I want.

his absence for days makes me rethink about
what kind of person I am.
sadly, I have to admit the fact that I am such a spoiled kid.
the ridiculous thing is when this spoiled kid
always asks for a mature person to be hers.

now, he is in front of her eyes,
she feels happy about it,
but she behaves inappropriately just because
he's been unavailable for days.

dear Universe,
thanks for granted her the thing she wants in her life
please do forgive her for her stupidity.

Sunday, 2 July 2017

Tentang Jatuh Cinta

gambar diambil dari sini.

seolah menjadi ritual buat gw untuk mengeksplorasi diri ketika gw sedang dekat dengan seseorang. seperti contohnya saat ini, gw sedang mencari tahu tentang jatuh cinta karena gw ingin tahu apakah gw sedang mengalaminya.

ketiga artikel dari Psychology Today berikut menjadi inspirasi tulisan gw kali ini.
(artikel 1, artikel 2, dan artikel 3)

gw sangat suka dengan tulisan di artikel pertama yang berjudul
Bagaimana Cara Anda Tahu Sedang Jatuh Cinta. Kim, si penulis, berusia 38 tahun dan punya pengalaman perceraian. berdasarkan pengalamannya, Kim mengatakan bahwa cinta adalah wujud dari serangkaian pilihan.

setiap orang, berdasarkan prioritas dan preferensi masing-masing, punya serangkaian faktor yang menjadi landasan untuk memilih apakah mau atau tidak mencintai seseorang. faktor itu terdiri dari bentuk badan, kecerdasan, prinsip hidup, dan lain sebagainya.

Kim, di artikel tersebut mengibaratkan bahwa cinta seperti penerbangan di pesawat. ketika terjadi goncangan/turbulensi, muncul keraguan terhadap pasangan, saat itulah pilihan kembali perlu dibuat. pilihannya hanya dua, melanjutkan penerbangan atau berusaha loncat keluar dari pesawat.

kesimpulannya, cinta adalah proses memilih setiap hari, antara mau mencintai atau tidak. antara mau melanjutkan proses mencintai atau berhenti. karena pada kenyataannya, seseorang bisa mencintai orang lain selamanya sekaligus memilih untuk tidak mencintai orang tersebut selamanya. ada kalanya kemampuan untuk mencintai menurun atau meningkat. terkadang terasa mudah, terkadang rasanya sangat sulit untuk mencintai. akan tetapi pada akhirnya, semua itu adalah pilihan.

semakin lama seseorang bertahan dalam pesawat, semakin mudah ia dalam memilih. pilihan dalam mencintai menghasilkan kesempatan untuk mencapai sesuatu dalam hidup yang tidak mungkin dicapai sebelumnya jika dilakukan seorang diri.

tulisan di artikel dua dan tiga ditulis oleh orang yang sama di tahun yang berbeda. intinya kurang lebih sama-sama membahas tanda-tanda jika seseorang jatuh cinta. berikut ini kompilasi yang coba gw buat dengan menggabungkan kedua artikel tersebut.

  • Bersedia melakukan hal baru
  • misalnya jadi menonton acara TV yang berbeda, mencoba makanan yang baru, dsb.

  • Mengalami perasaan yang intens (termasuk tekanan)
  • peningkatan hormon stres, kortisol, membuat seseorang menjadi lebih cemas, tegang, atau gugup. hal tersebut adalah respon yang wajar terhadap seseorang yang dianggap memiliki kesan mendalam.

  • Termotivasi untuk bersama dengan orang tersebut
  • Mendapat balasan perasaan
  • orang yang sedang jatuh cinta akan fokus terhadap satu sama lain. ketika perasaan jatuh cinta timbul untuk beberapa saat, keinginan untuk saling terikat (attachment) menjadi meningkat. rasa senang atas kehadiran pasangan menjadi tanda keberhargaan relasi yang dibagun serta membantu keberlanjutan relasi.

  • Ada dorongan untuk mengatakan "aku sayang kamu"
  • dorongan ini menjadi tanda paling jelas meski banyak orang yang ragu untuk mengatakan tiga kata tersebut. laki-laki lebih mungkin untuk mengatakannya terlebih dahulu daripada perempuan. selain itu, kepedulian dari satu orang kepada orang lain membuat seseorang yang sedang jatuh cinta terdorong untuk melakukan sesuatu demi memudahkan hidup pasangannya. cinta yang tulus memungkinkan kedua orang yang saling mencintai untuk saling memberikan kebaikan sehingga meningkatkan kesejahteraan kedua pihak.

  • Berani berinvestasi terhadap orang tersebut
  • investasi yang dimaksud termasuk juga keberanian untuk mengambil risiko dalam membuat pilihan terhadap orang lain. misalnya memilih untuk secara terbuka menceritakan rahasia masa lalu yang kurang baik, atau memilih untuk mengorbankan waktu, tenaga, emosi, dan uang. orang yang jatuh cinta akan semakin meningkatkan investasinya terhadap pasangan, sehingga semakin mendorong komitmen dan stabilitas relasi.

  • Memiliki jawaban iya atas pertanyaan berikut
    • Apakah orang tersebut akan mendukung, menghormati, memahami, dan berbelas kasih terhadapmu?
    • Apakah orang tersebut memiliki nilai-nilai (values) dan prioritas yang sama?
well, akhir kata, meski ada beberapa hal yang bisa dijadikan tanda apakah seseorang sedang jatuh cinta, pada akhirnya diri sendiri yang membuat keputusan apakah saya mau mencintai dia.

selamat mencinta, semoga cinta kembali padamu.
My heart says we've got something real
Can I trust the way I feel
Cause my heart's been through it before
Am I'm just seeing what I want to see
Or is it true
Could you really be

Someone to have and hold
With all my heart and soul
I need to know
Before I fall in love
Someone who'll stay around
(Who warns) my ups and downs
So tell me now
Before I fall in love

And I'm at the point of no return
So afraid of getting burned
But I wanna take a chance
Oh please
Give me a reason to believe
Say you're the one that you'll always be

Someone to have and hold
With all my heart and soul
I need to know
Before I fall in love
Someone who'll stay around
(Who warns) my ups and downs
So tell me now
Before I fall in love

It's been so hard for me
To give my heart away
But I would give my everything
Just to hear you say...

Someone to have and hold
With all my heart and soul
I need to know
Before I fall in love
Someone who'll stay around
(Who warns) my ups and downs
So tell me now
Before I fall in love

- Before I Fall In Love, Coco Lee