Sunday, 16 July 2017

In Absentia #3 - Sweetness of Long Distance Relationship

me. shucks. everyday.
original source link can't be found.

being in a long distance relationship (within the same time zone)
is a new experience for me. I'm glad to experience it, anyway.
in spite of the fact that the torture feels much more than the merry
but I am still grateful I'm currently have a 'virtual' boyfriend.
in his absence, unavailability, yeah you name it,
I learned a lot of things.

I analyzed myself, so much I can't help it.
one day, I found out I am such a terrible person
when I have to hold my own loneliness.
I used to be alone for years and okay with it.
unfortunately, since I create perfect imagination of this 'virtual boyfriend',
his presence, as simple as his name appears on my notification bar,
really brighten up my day.
yeah, our mind can be so deceptive.

honestly, there are times when I feel like
he is just a bot who says good morning,
reminds me to eat lunch and dinner,
and checking if I arrived home, everyday.

sometimes when I know my friends can easily meet their boyfriends
as easy as making plan in the morning and meet up in the afternoon,
I do want the same thing. so much.
I want to see him,
I want to talk to him in person.
not over the artificial text or voice on the phone.
I want your whole self as a person being there in front of me.
making connections much deeper than using any other media.

I often ask myself, "what have I done by accepting
this stupid offering, being in such ridiculous LDR?".
interestingly, I tend to manage to find the answer for my own question.
yeah, one of my psychologist friend told me I have a strong ability
to rationalize obstacles in my life.

there are times when I hate my deceitful mind.
this is just one of many occasions.

rationalization #1
I am beyond-physical person.
this is the most bullshit I tend to say to myself, lately.
I pretend to make it happen.
I know I am such a quality-time addict.
but this time I am challenged to be beyond myself.

rationalization #2
I become immature when I meet any fully grown-up person.
actually, this is nonsense.
how can a well-functioning person makes you feel less than yourself.
I think, instead of diminishing other,
someone who has been well developed, supposed to nourish
growth of other people.

rationalization #3
When I feel down, the problem is within me.
this is truly a false belief.
nothing is wrong when someone feels down,
thus when it feels guilty after you feel something,
there must be things not right.
work with it, end the toxic relationship if needed.
everyone should be free from guilty feeling
for everything they feel, shouldn't they?

by the way, somehow during your absence,
I spent my time browsing for stuff usually LDR-couple do.
I am amazed at how creative people can be,
LDR can be sweet, after all.

read the tips from here.

well, one month is enough for all the lessons.
I think it comes the time to let us go, virtual boyfriend.
thank you for the experience and the short class.

Monday, 10 July 2017

In Absentia #2 - Over-Apologizing

taken from my fav resource
Regards Coupables

this time, I've decided to talk to my brother.
he's my private counselor and currently I need to hear his words.
I am deadly confused with my own discomfort
to receive daily sorry from him
because he hasn't managed to call me for ... geez I lost count.

several things I feel right now:

  • I have nothing to say anymore to reply his sorry text.
  • I don't think I need his sorry since it feels like a night ritual.
  • I appreciate his apology, it shows he remembers his promise quite well.
  • my craving for his voice vanished somewhere I don't know.
  • I don't expect him to call.
  • I feel tired of wanting him to call.
  • there come sometime I am afraid we are going to be awkward
    when we have to talk to each other like those days we used to.

I talked to my brother about things I feel.
I can't stand them anymore, those feelings really disturbing
and I am not really sure whether it was a right thing to say
"keep your sorry to yourself until you make it.
I do understand your condition and I hope you can make your promise."

"there will come the time when he no longer says sorry
then you regret to tell him not to say sorry."

the words of my brother feels like a hard slap on my face.
"what the heck I'm doing?"

then the long conversation with my personal counselor, began.
some relationship issues I addressed to him:

  • I have nothing to say anymore to reply his sorry text.
  • private counselor said: try to be grateful, he's still saying sorry it's good enough. at least by you replied him saying okay, it's enough.
    what if he thought I'm doing passive-aggressive move just by saying okay?
    pcs: be genuine and everything else is other people's problem, not yours.
  • my craving for his voice vanished somewhere I don't know.
  • pcs: doesn't it good? you got back to your sense.
  • I feel tired of wanting him to call.
  • pcs: it's your own problem. never expect anything from anyone. try to do thing without any expectation. heartache prevention is such an anti-theses to love someone whole-fully.

there are many things we talked about tonight
and our talk just makes me feel I am such a spoiled brat
who is blessed enough to have my brother around.
at the end of our conversation, he asked me
"can't you think about everything by yourself?"

"no, I don't have such capacity. by the way, that's the reason He sent you to be my brother, isn't it? to help me through this complicated life."

not long after I went downstairs to enter my room,
a text from my pcs appeared.
he sent me this link, an article from Psychology Today
about over-apologizing.
I am touched and send him the link to know
what kind of Apology Language he has.

each time I've talked to my brother,
it only adds more love over him.
I am not ready to lose him in September.
I do need you, my one and only brother I adore.
thank you for always being there when I even can't understand what's going on with me.

#BeyondGrateful #BrotherSisterhood

as I remember I was once post this image, somewhere in my blog.
I don't manage to find the post which contains it, so here is the
apology vs thank you illustration from Yao Xiao

Wednesday, 5 July 2017

In Absentia #1 - Self-Control

thanks Adams Carvalho for the illustration.
it's been a week since our last loooong talk over the phone.
I don't know whether he gets it or not.
I do miss his voice and his stories.

I try my best not to add his troubles.
the first two day he didn't call,
I went through extreme struggle.
bad mood, insecurity, disappointment,
and many other negativeness haunted me.
I thought I might be insane.

exhausted with my own thought,
I asked for advice to my living diary.
thankfully, she was very mad at me.

#1: People should fulfill one's promise. One of the thing that differentiate from a good person and normal and not is how well someone is keeping his words. Is it polite enough, thoughtfully said or not, really mean it or not, fulfill it or not. Because in one way or another, it shows how trusted someone or he's just a hypocrite.
#2: Life is full of uncertainty. Even you are the greatest person in the world, no matter how you mean your words, if things happen, things happen. Sometimes you need to choose (to me, more likely than not, you will have a choice) to revise your plan or promise. In this case, probably you see it as a promise thus has more effect on you. By understanding that, you also need to understand how important it is.
#3: Understanding and forgiveness. You can consider few things like "is he always like this? Is he doing it with a weak reason? If I were him, what will I do?". After you reflect, try to reconcile. Talk about it after that. Say how you feel, use more "we" that pointing the blame on you or use I as self-focus statement. Use feel than think.
#4: Wake up and realize that your life is not only revolve around him. Whatever things that make you believe he is serious with you is only his words. I'm not asking you to be a bitter person and have no faith on humanity or hate people by believing that all men are the same: jerk and liar. At least approach it with caution. You can't be too naive.
#5: Mastering the 4 points above and then do live you life in a more interesting way. Go out with friends or do something you like. "Baper" only waste your time and time is limited. Be a person with value added, don't make yourself to be your own dementor. Prove yourself worth and stop being stupid for not being called. It is for other party to make it up to you, not for you to be annoyed and let it ruin your day. Bego lu.
Anti-"Baper" trick #1: Understand about priority. You should know how much a person or a matter deserve your thought.
Anti-"Baper" trick #2 (shucks version): Find another "toy". 
well, her words really hit me hard.
I realized I am such a childish person
who tend to always get what I want.

his absence for days makes me rethink about
what kind of person I am.
sadly, I have to admit the fact that I am such a spoiled kid.
the ridiculous thing is when this spoiled kid
always asks for a mature person to be hers.

now, he is in front of her eyes,
she feels happy about it,
but she behaves inappropriately just because
he's been unavailable for days.

dear Universe,
thanks for granted her the thing she wants in her life
please do forgive her for her stupidity.

Tuesday, 4 July 2017

Three Days Unavailable

source link was broken.
sorry no credit.

I can't sleep and tomorrow is my first day to work
after the long Eid Mubarak holiday.
I think I can't stand it anymore, I miss to talk to him

he called me today in the noon just to tell me
what he was going to do today and that was my very first time,
picking up his call in front of my whole family
plus in front of my cousin.

today is the third day, I spent less than an hour to talk to him.
he's been very busy because of the misfortune that happened to his aunt.
I tried my best not to disturb him
but on the other hand I can't stand my current discomfort feeling.

discomfort explanation from here.

I want to tell him what I've done.
I want to know what he's going to say about things I've done.
I want to open up myself to him, let him know what I've been holding on.

I've talked to my family about who is this guy.
the man who called for hours nearly every nights in a week.
the man who ruined my sleeping time.
the man who filled my day recently.

they looked fine.
I don't fine.
I haven't told him anything about this, I assumed he didn't have
much time and focus to listen to this.
I thought this might be trivial for him
but this is such a big deal for me.

congrats sir, you've done it.
you've made me crazy enough to say "I miss you" first,
but heck like I care.

7:54 AM

you texted me to say sorry for being unavailable yesterday.
I was okay, I've already managed to sleep
but still I feel like I need to talk to you.

I thought you won't ask me for telling you I couldn't sleep.
fortunately, as usual, he was able to make me feel being understood.
his simple question "what's wrong with you last night?"
made me call him instantly.
he was in the middle of preparing to go snorkeling, but I didn't care.
I think those 8 mins talking
was much more precious than those many hours of us talking.

it was a very short time but it means a lot for me.
I know you care.
thank you :)

beautiful illustration from Etsy.

Sunday, 2 July 2017

Tentang Jatuh Cinta

gambar diambil dari sini.

seolah menjadi ritual buat gw untuk mengeksplorasi diri ketika gw sedang dekat dengan seseorang. seperti contohnya saat ini, gw sedang mencari tahu tentang jatuh cinta karena gw ingin tahu apakah gw sedang mengalaminya.

ketiga artikel dari Psychology Today berikut menjadi inspirasi tulisan gw kali ini.
(artikel 1, artikel 2, dan artikel 3)

gw sangat suka dengan tulisan di artikel pertama yang berjudul
Bagaimana Cara Anda Tahu Sedang Jatuh Cinta. Kim, si penulis, berusia 38 tahun dan punya pengalaman perceraian. berdasarkan pengalamannya, Kim mengatakan bahwa cinta adalah wujud dari serangkaian pilihan.

setiap orang, berdasarkan prioritas dan preferensi masing-masing, punya serangkaian faktor yang menjadi landasan untuk memilih apakah mau atau tidak mencintai seseorang. faktor itu terdiri dari bentuk badan, kecerdasan, prinsip hidup, dan lain sebagainya.

Kim, di artikel tersebut mengibaratkan bahwa cinta seperti penerbangan di pesawat. ketika terjadi goncangan/turbulensi, muncul keraguan terhadap pasangan, saat itulah pilihan kembali perlu dibuat. pilihannya hanya dua, melanjutkan penerbangan atau berusaha loncat keluar dari pesawat.

kesimpulannya, cinta adalah proses memilih setiap hari, antara mau mencintai atau tidak. antara mau melanjutkan proses mencintai atau berhenti. karena pada kenyataannya, seseorang bisa mencintai orang lain selamanya sekaligus memilih untuk tidak mencintai orang tersebut selamanya. ada kalanya kemampuan untuk mencintai menurun atau meningkat. terkadang terasa mudah, terkadang rasanya sangat sulit untuk mencintai. akan tetapi pada akhirnya, semua itu adalah pilihan.

semakin lama seseorang bertahan dalam pesawat, semakin mudah ia dalam memilih. pilihan dalam mencintai menghasilkan kesempatan untuk mencapai sesuatu dalam hidup yang tidak mungkin dicapai sebelumnya jika dilakukan seorang diri.

tulisan di artikel dua dan tiga ditulis oleh orang yang sama di tahun yang berbeda. intinya kurang lebih sama-sama membahas tanda-tanda jika seseorang jatuh cinta. berikut ini kompilasi yang coba gw buat dengan menggabungkan kedua artikel tersebut.

  • Bersedia melakukan hal baru
  • misalnya jadi menonton acara TV yang berbeda, mencoba makanan yang baru, dsb.

  • Mengalami perasaan yang intens (termasuk tekanan)
  • peningkatan hormon stres, kortisol, membuat seseorang menjadi lebih cemas, tegang, atau gugup. hal tersebut adalah respon yang wajar terhadap seseorang yang dianggap memiliki kesan mendalam.

  • Termotivasi untuk bersama dengan orang tersebut
  • Mendapat balasan perasaan
  • orang yang sedang jatuh cinta akan fokus terhadap satu sama lain. ketika perasaan jatuh cinta timbul untuk beberapa saat, keinginan untuk saling terikat (attachment) menjadi meningkat. rasa senang atas kehadiran pasangan menjadi tanda keberhargaan relasi yang dibagun serta membantu keberlanjutan relasi.

  • Ada dorongan untuk mengatakan "aku sayang kamu"
  • dorongan ini menjadi tanda paling jelas meski banyak orang yang ragu untuk mengatakan tiga kata tersebut. laki-laki lebih mungkin untuk mengatakannya terlebih dahulu daripada perempuan. selain itu, kepedulian dari satu orang kepada orang lain membuat seseorang yang sedang jatuh cinta terdorong untuk melakukan sesuatu demi memudahkan hidup pasangannya. cinta yang tulus memungkinkan kedua orang yang saling mencintai untuk saling memberikan kebaikan sehingga meningkatkan kesejahteraan kedua pihak.

  • Berani berinvestasi terhadap orang tersebut
  • investasi yang dimaksud termasuk juga keberanian untuk mengambil risiko dalam membuat pilihan terhadap orang lain. misalnya memilih untuk secara terbuka menceritakan rahasia masa lalu yang kurang baik, atau memilih untuk mengorbankan waktu, tenaga, emosi, dan uang. orang yang jatuh cinta akan semakin meningkatkan investasinya terhadap pasangan, sehingga semakin mendorong komitmen dan stabilitas relasi.

  • Memiliki jawaban iya atas pertanyaan berikut
    • Apakah orang tersebut akan mendukung, menghormati, memahami, dan berbelas kasih terhadapmu?
    • Apakah orang tersebut memiliki nilai-nilai (values) dan prioritas yang sama?
well, akhir kata, meski ada beberapa hal yang bisa dijadikan tanda apakah seseorang sedang jatuh cinta, pada akhirnya diri sendiri yang membuat keputusan apakah saya mau mencintai dia.

selamat mencinta, semoga cinta kembali padamu.
My heart says we've got something real
Can I trust the way I feel
Cause my heart's been through it before
Am I'm just seeing what I want to see
Or is it true
Could you really be

Someone to have and hold
With all my heart and soul
I need to know
Before I fall in love
Someone who'll stay around
(Who warns) my ups and downs
So tell me now
Before I fall in love

And I'm at the point of no return
So afraid of getting burned
But I wanna take a chance
Oh please
Give me a reason to believe
Say you're the one that you'll always be

Someone to have and hold
With all my heart and soul
I need to know
Before I fall in love
Someone who'll stay around
(Who warns) my ups and downs
So tell me now
Before I fall in love

It's been so hard for me
To give my heart away
But I would give my everything
Just to hear you say...

Someone to have and hold
With all my heart and soul
I need to know
Before I fall in love
Someone who'll stay around
(Who warns) my ups and downs
So tell me now
Before I fall in love

- Before I Fall In Love, Coco Lee

Saturday, 1 July 2017

The First Day of Disturbing Feeling

image borrowed from here.
today is the very first day
I don't manage to reach him,
after 5 days in a row,
I always able to talk to him
about everything inside my head.

I waited for his free time,
unfortunately he's been busy all day.
he kept me informed about what he was doing.
I appreciate it, but still it's hard for me to handle
the urge to talk to him.

there was a time in the noon
when he called and I missed it
because I was in the middle of doing something.
the next thing, he was very busy to handle two men work.

I understand enough he's been busy
and he already made an effort to contact me.
the problem is, I have to face and cope with
this effing feeling of wanting
to talk to him as soon as possible.
I do really learn today, how discomfort it is
to experience such feeling.
I can foresee it might happen some times
in the future, since there is a long distance between us.

the peak was when dinner time come.
it tend to be our talking time until dawn.
I texted him to let him know
I was okay if we postponed the talking time tomorrow.
he said sorry and I was happy enough to read his sorry.

now, I think the main problem for me is
to figure out another alternatives
to overcome this kind of unpleasant feeling.

I used to:
1. write down any discomfort feeling I currently feel.
my own explanation helps me a lot
to know what is the main reason of discomfort I felt.

2. listen to music (which most of the time,
only worsen the feeling)

3. look up for some sweet illustration on Pinterest,
or some quotes that remind me to grow up.

4. read Psychology Today articles I've already bookmarked,
try my best to get the most logical explanation of what I feel.

5. pray then sleep, hoping there is something deary from him
in the following day (any thoughtful message or anything else,
I don't know). the pray part less likely to happen.
I do it only when I can't stand the feeling anymore.

well, I think I need to expand this list to 10
so I don't get bored with my own coping strategy. LOL.

ps: I listened to this song and I feel like
I want to put it here along with this post.
I'm not looking for someone to talk to
I've got my friend, I'm more than O.K.
I've got more than a girl could wish for
I live my dreams but it's not all they say
Still I believe (I'm missing) I'm missing something real
I need someone who really sees me...

(Don't wanna wake...) Don't wanna wake up alone anymore
Still believing you'll walk through my door
All I need is to know it's for sure
Then I'll give... all the love in the world

I've often wondered if love's an illusion
Just to get you through the loneliest days
I can't criticize it
I have no hesitation
My imagination just stole me away
(Still...) Still I believe
(I'm missing) I'm missing something real
I need someone who really sees me...

(Don't wanna wake...) Don't wanna wake up alone anymore
Still believing you'll walk through my door
All I need is to know it's for sure
Then I'll give... all the love in the world

Love's for a lifetime not for a moment
So how could I throw it away
Yeah I'm only human
And nights grow colder
With no-one to love me that way
Yeah I need someone who really sees me...

(Don't wanna wake...) And i won't wake up alone anymore
Still believing you'll walk through my door
You'll reach for me and I'll know it's for sure
Then I'll give all the love in the world
(Don't wanna wake up alone anymore...)
- All The Love in The World, The Corrs